Sex life with an SA anyone?

Courtney, I wish the twin thing were true, for a lot of reasons not the least of which being, I think you are considerably younger than I am. 😀

What is it with these guys and their anal fixations? Mine belonged to some really disgusting sites of woman getting anally raped. Charmed, I’m sure. And he told me that years ago he got some porn video called Rear Admiral..lovely..and then in a fit of shame threw it over the balcony where it went rolling down the hill we lived on. Then went hunting for it. Probably proceeded to stick it up his ass after that little sojourn, for all I know.

Mine had an anal fixation. He kept “accidentally” trying to put it in there. I tried to call him on it. And you will never guess what he did- blamed me for being suspicious of him and treating him like he was stupid. I am so mean.

Now I know that porn star/escort he was sleeping with around that time does a lot of anal stuff (I even saw a clip online because the guy she was with has the same name as my STBX so I was making sure it wasn’t him- when I saw the actual guy, it was clear to me that my STBX will never be in one of her clips).

Oh, the gaslighting. I can’t believe that I didn’t trust myself and my instincts more.

Teri, your strength is huge, you must be so proud of yourself. I never enjoyed sex in my whole life, honestly, I was frigid, probably, or catholic or a female sick of the objectification of women. Lol I marry a whack job. But, I guess I can be so angry yet understanding also. I understand I have to stay for financial reasons. I understand that while I gave my H sex often he knows I hated it. So now I’m doing things differently. Some women stay, I’ve read most stay actually, and some leave. It’s humiliating either way.

Trish – you so funny….

My h hates anything “weird” and for sa’s that is such an oxymoron. Anyway, he likes straight sex, no anal ever, it’s gross to him and he loves beautiful women, so however sick it is with me saying this, to all you whose sa’s liked normal looks, consider yourself lucky. Mine turned a whore down cuz she wasn’t beautiful enough. My husband likes 10’s only..ONLY!!!!!!

I just realized that before my SAH STD test with the herpes in Sept., he kept telling me that he had NO sex drive. Lovely. My therapist told me that’s typical of SAH’s in early recovery. It’s like they are afraid of going to the bar in case they can’t stop. Hmmmmm…… A few weeks ago, my SAH said that he does have a fear of sex and he thinks he just needs to get drunk and do it. OMG. What has my life become? So – I just wait for my sex dreams with hunks. They are even cheaper than $19.95.

I seriously think that we need a therapist to work through this. Today he admitted that he was playing the “blame game” (when I called him on it and told him that I didn’t want to be around him since he was being a twit). He said that this would be the time that he would act out given the stress – so he went to an SA meeting instead.

This is all soooo much work. Sigh.

Deb

Teri, I think part of my ability to have sex with him is part of my own denial. I still have twilight zone moments and think it’s all made up and I will wake up from this nightmare…..

I figure it will pass eventually.

Teri, I totally get where you are coming from. All women are different, duh, I know I’m stating the obvious, but sometimes the obvious is the only answer. Some tolerate nothing, most tolerate a lot. Some women have more money than others. It’s easy to speak from those terms. Also, it seems to me, the more money the worse the acting out. My sa yes had sex with massage parlor prostitutes, we are thinking about 29 times total within the last 3.5 years – awful. He had a hand job only once. A bj once. So now we are up to 31. Then 8 years ago he saw a beautiful whore outside a luxury hotel in Hawaii. Yes, she had to have been a ten cuz really that’s what gets my sa off. I would think she is a 10 also. My sa has very very high standards – it fucking sucks worse knowing that, but I only deal with the utmost truth here. Then he called a whore from the yellow pages on Colorado, a 10 again and wanted sex but only got a bj, so sad. Then in Kansas turned a whore down again from the yellow pages because she was not his type – perfectly gorgeous, so sorry, dear hubby. Then I know all about the strip joints, exactly which ones, what states, exactly what he did and what he wanted them to do and what they refused to do. Then I know all about his porn addiction. Then I also know about the peep shows.

So, you Teri, can get information by detective and go crazy with all his denials, or I can get all the information from him verbally, in hand writing, on computer, also excel spreadsheet. This is how dedicated my sa is to explaining to me every detail, even though he doesn’t want to and his csat doesn’t like it either – the trauma is too great compared to others who do not get everything. But I wanted him to describe to me every step…I grove here, I put car in park, I left the cell phone in the truck, I left my wedding ring on, whores don’t care, I open the door, I sit down, the madam greets me…..I have the whole picture verbally and written.

So some women leave, according to stats, most don’t. It seems the ones who do are the most verbal. In all my sanon and cosa meetings, we are blesses here in LA, with many, very few divorce and those that do sound the most unhappy. The rest of us are doing the best we can. We all finally have our sa’s communicating with us. We tell our whole stories.

We call each other. Yes, we all agree, takes months and months, to admit that we did play a part. How? By coming from fucked up families too. Most don’t see it at first and then we submit to the truth. By admitting no one deserves complete trust, yet we gave it fully and naively. By hating sex, me, or by thinking it was the most important sign of love..no, intimacy is, we just didn’t know what intimacy was. There is so much work we ourselves need to do.

There is a lot of hate on this site. That’s fine, I hate too. But I also man up and own my part. I gave my h too much power. My fault… I can go on and will later on too the chagrin of most here, maybe, but healing takes more than saying, fine, no sex, fine, go fuck the whore instead, fine, I’m leaving, fine, you leave….there is no work in that, that is just trauma at it’s best.

To those who hate cosa, I hope others will give it a try. I am so grateful to my cosa sisters. We in pain grow in strength and learn to heal. I fought it tooth and nail, and then I woke up – there is no blame with us, that’s misreading or misunderstanding, even the dear Mr. Omar thinks that way. No, what cosa is trying to say to you individually, wake up, work on yourself, work on your poor family history, really how did you get here…with an sa, even if you weren’t given overt signs, how did your childhood allow you to choose a bad partner…it’s all there, you just have to stop fighting and accept that your mom was a food addict (mine), your dad was a tv addict, (me again), they ignored your emotional needs, your aunt was sexually abused, your uncle was a sex addict, your other uncle was an alcoholic….it’s all there, it’s time to greive it all.

Thanks for allowing me to share.

The loss of my sex life is something that I mourn to this day. It’s been about three and a half years since D Day. I tried to muster up some desire for him, but I just can’t. I have no desire for him or anyone else. I am bitter. I am damaged. I look at every man as a fucktard. I’m very torn. I want and deserve to have a mutually satisfying relationship with a man, but I despise men at this point.

After D day, my husband tried to convince me that he found me attractive….whistled at me, etc….It just made my skin crawl. At this point, I believe my sex life is over.

Love to my sisters, Betty

Betty,

Hun – after 3.5 years, it might be time to move on (if you can). Do you want to have intimacy with someone again? If not, then, I guess it’s fine to stay – but I think you deserve more than the status quo.

I would bet someone without a sordid history might float your boat. Just a hunch.

Deb

Hi Betty! Glad to see you posting! I’m right there with you. Even if I had the desire, I haven’t the foggiest notion how to go about meeting anyone.

Bev, what you said about Gee’s daughter really hit me hard. If this happened to my lovely daughter, I’m pretty sure I would kill my fucktard of a son in law. Pretty sure. I think my blood pressure just shot up at the thought and she’s only 18 and not even close to marrying anyone. She was stood up for prom by a “friend” who had promised to take her and he is still afraid to run into me around town and rightfully so. I can’t imagine allowing someone to live if they caused my daughter the pain that I’m in right now.

And Gee, if “no one deserves complete trust” what is the point of marriage? I just don’t understand your reasoning. Our families are screwed up so we can’t be trusted and our spouses families are screwed up so they can’t be trusted so we need to admit that and work on ourselves? That makes no sense to me whatsoever. I thought having complete trust in your spouse was the point of a marriage. Coming together in love and trust to form a perfect union. Vowing to love, honor and cherish. I mean, I was married in the Greek Orthadox Church and some of the ceremony was in Greek but I’m pretty sure even that part did not include an asterik saying that the vows were optional or non binding.

A great book is His Needs, Her Needs. I have learned so much, I have to heartily disagree. We married men, men are made for sex, not monogamy…to completely trust any man is ridiculous. I’ve been told that over and over my entire life by men. And I will teach my daughter the same thing, hopefully she will listen, but being a woman, she can only see through her own lovestruck, naive, trusting, hopeful eyes. And yes, I will teach her to take responsibility for choosing that man. Hopefully she will be able to choose a man from a good, strong, healthy family…if not, she’s fucked.