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Im shaking with anger and shock here.
I posted previously and gave a brief overview in wheretogo/whattodo.
This post is going to be a bit of a ramble as ive headed straight here after this new revalation.
Husband has been working away for months, hes due back tomorrow. Apart from being a compulisive liar, he is also a sex addict. Although up until recently, i never suspected infidelity, it was more obsession with porn, talking about sex etc.
Last year,about 14 months ago i discovered an add for gay contact,which hed posted a few months previously. He was gutted, but claimed because we were having issues, he was just looking for attention from anywhere. Said he just wanted replies back on email that was it. he wasnt interested in men.
So i reluctantly swallowed this bull. There was no physical evidence hed cheated with a guy,so ….
Fast forward to him being away. i discovered a month ago ,just the day after the event,that hed cheated on me with a woman over there.And a couple of days later,i discovered another ad on a gay site,which hed posted about 6 months previous. This time he explained that away by saying that he did in fact have some attraction to penises, but just to look at, and he just liked to receive pics by email of them. Thats it.
Ok, i accepted this for a few days, but the last week or so, its been eating me away that theres no way,no way that you advertise for sex just to get pics.
Well, being the detctive that i am, I have just been looking through local gay ads…and lo and behold, i find aother ad, this was posted about 6 months ago, the same time as the 2nd lot of ads but i obviously missed this one. This time, the fool, because that what he is, he thinks that just cos its a secret in his head, then no-one else would find out – the fool has put the title of his ad as the days and hours he worked (hes changed jobs now,works away) in this building, as he worked alone in this place during nights, and has asked for people to get in touch for some fun adding that hesnormally a bottom but can be a top aswell.It even shows his initial and surname. He wouldnt have done this delebirately, hes obviously got an email adress which has abbreviated it to a username. the fool cant even be discreet.
Please girls, im all over the place. If i confront him with his tomorrow, he will still swear blind that he did it just to get replies and pics of private parts. i cannot believe that he would invite people into the workplace as there are lots of cameras and he could have lost his job inviting people into the building.
where do i go from here?? I know,i know,its divoce material. Our child is sooo excited about him coming home tomorrow, hes home for a few weeks before he goes back to work. Im just at a loss.Another thing im going to have to confront him about and probably another pack of lies heading my way.
Please girls, anything I need to hear. Even though in my heart i kinda know what the right thing to do is.
Hes been telling me he loves me,all he wants is his family and that he doesnt want to lie aymore, And now i find this.
What is really accomplished by confronting him? He’s just going to lie and try to smooth it over. A part of you wants him to smooth it over, we’ve all been there.
What could he possibly say to fix it, to put you in a better place or to make you feel secure? NOTHING is the answer. Your husband is bi sexual. He likes men and women.
Smile and welcome him home for the baby’s sake.
Then blindside him by filing. Keep your evidence private, for leverage later if need be.
He blindsided you with this shit, now it’s your turn to give him a huge dose of his own medicine.
I agree with not confronting him because he will just lie. I’m so sorry. I know how hard this is. My husband was seeing female prostitutes along with transvestes and god knows what else.
I’m not sure how you will be able to contain yourself though unless you try to detach emotionally. Do NOT have sex with this man. I’m not sure how he will react if you’re not his loving wife when he gets home. Say you don’t feel good. Try to stay busy. It’s great that you came here first to vent. Keep posting here instead of talking to him about it. We are here for you my dearYes FN. Theres just so much evidence now, maybe im foolish in thinking that if i show him this, what other choice can he have but to admit. I just want to know for how long hes been doing men behind my back. I deserve to know,it could have been going on for years. Ecerything else hes done in the past,non-sexual stuff, theres solid evidence. With this, i still cant prove that hes actually done anything. I just want to know for my sanity.
What a mess.
First – I am so sorry for your discovery and my heart aches with yours. While I am no expert at this and am dealing with my own recent discoveries, I would tend to agree with for-now. That is not the behavior of someone seeking change and trying to save a family. It’s the behavior someone trying to keep you at bay, while he fulfills his sick desires at your family’s expense.
In a time of crisis and pending divorce, I was given 3 suggestions, which were words of wisdom. Get an attorney, get your own bank account and get a good therapist.
He will never tell you the truth. Nothing he says should matter. Muster up all the self-respect you can gather and move forward with your life. Don’t waste your time or words on him.
Ain’t no whitewashing this, girl. He’s gay/bi/whatever the fuck you want to call it. More importantly, however, he’s a fucking low life cheater who thinks nothing of putting your health (your very LIFE for God’s sake) in jeopardy via his actions. Do what you gotta do, but just know he’s gonna lie like there’s no tomorrow. Oh and also…he’s NEVER gonna give up the dicks. Save yourself a whole hell of a lot of heartache and sorrow. Change the locks now.
I had spyware and later gps tracking on his car.
I never played my hand until it was time for me to kick him out. It was hard to smile and act like all was fine.
If you kick him out. Have a plan as far as getting him to agree to whatever you want like signing shit over to you or a custody agreement when he’s at his lowest. File for divorce if you must. You can always pull it if you change your mind.
If you kick him out be clear on boundaries like I did. I didn’t change the locks but he had to be invited or ask to come over. He couldn’t come when he wanted. If he wanted more clothes I made him come while I was at work and he had to be gone before me or the kids got home. You have to be a bitch or at least firm when doing this. Most don’t respond to nice.
He’s not feeling any consequences except your sadness and upset and frankly, that’s not any kind of consequence. Kicking him out and threatening to out him at work or to friends and family might be. It worked for me.
So sorry you have to be challenged with this. I know that feeling, you keep hoping things will turn out OK and then its another discovery. I agree with the sisters and if I may I quote what a therapist once said to me “How much more evidence do you need?” He’s a liar, you dont deserve him. let him go. Its time for a golden handshake
If you confront him then he will lie and cover his tracks better the next time.
Get out and away as quickly as you can make a plan. No straight man looks at penis’ for any reason.
He is risking your health big time.
Even if he had no physical contact with anybody, you still want to be with this guy who looks a porn and pictures of dicks? Do you want to be with a guy that you will always have to check on and play detective with? Do you want to be with a guy who will lie straight to your face, probably make love to you and then show no remorse when you come up with AIDS?
Be nice to him, save your evidence for later, print stuff out, save it to a memory stick and keep it in your purse or somewhere he won’t find it. Make your plans. Definitely get a therapist pronto, one that specializes in trauma. Start saving money. Make sure you know and have all the information on savings, checking and investment accounts. Print those statements for future reference. Follow your credit card statements online regularly to see what he’s charging. Protect yourself and your child.
He only wants a “family life” as a front. That way, to the rest of the world, he will appear to be a normal guy. They all want that. It’s all a farce. He’s not there for you mentally, emotionally, or intimately like “normal” husbands are. The family is not normal.
Sorry to be so harsh. I know how you feel. We all do.
Please take good care of you and your child.Much love, Claire
Youre all correct.
I just feel weird at the mo. On one hand i feel strong enough to end this, with all the evidence, surely were done talking. i have all the answers i need.On the other…well,i feel numb.
Are there any decent men out there? Are there. If this end up in divorce, which is 99.9999 percent likely, am i destined for a life alone?? Do all men thinks with their penis?? Did i turn him gay/bi?? we werent having sex for a while because sex with him felt a bit detatched. Mechanical. Ahh…new day tomorrow….
Yes, there are plenty of decent men out there. No, you will not end up alone. No, you cannot “turn” someone gay or bi.
He is a lying coward piece of shit. I would rather you go to the nearest bar, find the drunkest man, marry him and bring him home than deal with your lying husband. At the very least the drunk bar guy is honest.
I love you all. There is no way i could share this with my friends in real life. Im just wondering, when the split happens, how do i explain it? Friends are going to ask? its going to be as embarassing for me as it is him for me to say that i found out he was f&&king about with guys?
Bev, youve put it so beautifully “he is a lying
coward piece of shit” I guess ive known this for a long time.Sex with him felt ‘detached’ because in his mind he was likely fucking a guy in the ass. You were right then to trust your gut and stop sleeping with him. Trust your gut now.
Just tell your friends that you had a different understanding of marriage vows than he did. Nuff said…
You owe no one details unless you feel the need.
You put HIS shame down right this minute girl! Tell the truth, he’s a lying motherfucking piece of shit loser. Pretending to be straight.
Only because I have kids involved and they would be warped for life. …
gee, my dad fucked hookers and spent our money on phone sex gals to ‘berate’ him. …..
Nice…..mother fucking idiot.
Yes Liza, i kinda got that you and bev were saying the same things….but differently lol…either way, youre both making me smile for the first time since the the latest discovery. Wow. If at any point i return saying, oh but he says he loves me, he doesnt like guys, he wants a family…please feel free to virtually beat me around the head!!
This is from Trish…It deserved a repost
“It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.”
Alan Cohen
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