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Seethelight you don’t need to confront him. You said it yourself, “I have all the answers I need” They’re just not the answers that you want, that’s what you’re still hoping for. I’m so sorry. Go to the Dr and get yourself tested pronto.
I agree you have nothing to be embarrassed about. You did not cause this, do this or deserve this. Don’t carry his shame or guilt. He needs to own his problems, not you!
STL…first of all, so sorry for this terrible ordeal you are going through. Second of all…breathe…take one step at a time. It’s hard not to think about the future and hard not to wonder if you’ll ever trust again – that’s where I’m at right now but I can’t tackle that right now – I will save that for another day. Staying with someone b/c you are afraid to be alone is no reason to stay. Trust me, this is a big fear for me but I have to believe in fate or God or whatever that I am doing the right thing. I have to put one foot in front of the other, be there for my kids and choose me over a man who put our lives, our health, our finances, his job, etc. at risk b/c he needed to get his fix (my H was/is mainly into 25 year old stripper types but he finds those by paying for them).
Do not, I repeat, do not confront him with this. He will give you some asinine bull shit answer that will have some tiny amount of believability to it. And you know what? You will hang onto that tiny shred of believability b/c you want to believe. We all want to believe that they aren’t capable of this. That there is some giant misunderstanding. Or that they will say the perfect thing that will make this all go away. I found out that my husband had an app on his phone called Blackberry Black Book. Everyone in the world knows the one and only reason to have this app is to cheat. There is absolutely no other plausible explanation for having it. I waited awhile to confront my H that I knew about this app b/c I knew he would lie to me. When I finally did confront him, you know what his reason was? So he could block his latest fuck buddy’s phone number!!! Because of course, I had told him he should not be in contact with her. (This was 7 months post D-Day, btw). You gotta be fucking kidding me? He claimed there are no other apps that do that. I didn’t buy it for one second. Yet, the next day, I still did a google search to see if there were apps that blocked numbers and about 10 came up. I had to confirm to myself that he was not telling the truth. This type of stuff will eat you alive.
You have enough, you know enough. You do not need to kick him right now if you are not ready. You are playing the role of a lifetime. You are the dutiful wife (just don’t have sex with him) and don’t let on that you know ANYTHING. Get your ducks in a row – see a lawyer, get an STD test, set up your own bank account and start thinking of how to extradite yourself from this mess b/c if you don’t, it will either drive you insane or it will kill you.
Oh in regards to what to tell the neighbors? First of all, you don’t need to worry about that right now but let me just tell you – I was so worried about that too. But this week, I have been telling friends that my husband and I are separating and he moved out. Every single one has been amazingly supportive and not one asked why. I’m sure they are dying of curiosity (it was a complete shock to everyone) but yet they all say, “if you want to talk, I’m here but you don’t need to tell me details.” And I know I don’t. (Not get a few glasses of wine in me and I might spill my guts but for now, it doesn’t serve anyone any good to tell them what a prick he is).
StL,
I’m with Claire,
who cares what he says about it. Is it really going to better that he only wants to collect pictures of strangers’ penises, than whether he fucks men? I mean, really, what kind of a relationship are you in? We all lose perspective around these guys. We keep pushing back the line of tolerance until there’s nothing left worth keeping a marriage vow over.Get tested, please. he’s a liar. He’s fucking men. Men are fucking him. He’s not going to stop. And as long as you stay with him, he thinks it’s not that bad. You are a benchmark for his delusion meter. As long as you stay with him and put up with it, he doesn’t think he’s delusional.
Please stop.
We’ll support as we can.
D.You don’t owe anyone a reason for the split.
Don’t jump into a divorce unless that’s just where you are at. You separate first. If someone asks all you say is “I married someone who I’ve come to find does not share the same values. As a faithful wife and protective mom I had no choice but to make this difficult decision. I could not turn my head to some things I’ve learned.”
That puts his shit in his lap and not yours. With your closer friends and family, you can share more exact details.
Hold your head high. Don’t be embarrassed. You weren’t the one cheating and having same-sex sex, he was.
Yes Diane….thats exactly what ive been doing isnt it, pushing back the line of tolerance. Hes just taking the piss out of me.
I needed to hear all of these comments guys. They really are a godsend in keeping me focused on what can be the only outcome really.
Hey, if you feel a need to talk to him about this, do it very definitely. like, “I know for a fact that you ARE having sex with men and I know for a fact that it has been going on for a long time. ” Don’t give him a chance to lie, and don’t, as we say in the mother of teenage girl circles “ever give up your sources.” He’ll want to know what proof you have, etc. Don’t go there with him. State your truth and then state what you are going to do about it. anything he says is completely irrelevant at this point.
Hi Seethelight I’m late to this because of time differences but I have to say first of all I’m so very sorry that he has done this to you and I totally agree with Claire that even if he wasn’t having skin on skin contact what he is doing is NOT OK. You have enough evidence of indefensible bad behaviour.
I also agree with the other sisters that this has nothing to do with you and it is not your shame. You don’t have to give any details to anyone until you are comfortable. There is so much for you to get your head around so you just look after yourself and don’t worry about having to explain things to others. xoox CatherineHi STL, this hurts and sucks and is scary, but you sound strong and mostly clear-minded. No matter what, first get tested!!!!!! And then take your time to plan the next steps. it sounds like he will go back on the road soon anyway, which will help you get perspective to make good decisions. we are here!
Everyone has pretty much said it all. I do have one more thing, be very careful and if his behavior changes in any way that raises your intuition and makes you afraid in EVEN THE SLIGHTEST BIT leave IMMEDIATELY. Some men, when they are outed and have been hiding bi or gay behavior go into a rage. I would hate for anyone to get hurt.
Not to scare you, well maybe it should, but make all preparations for a quick and unannounced exit. You may not have to use them, but you’ll be glad you are ready if you have to.
All the closure and discussions (if you ever have them, these guys are really hopeless at getting closure with because they just CAN’T STOP lying) should take place AFTER you have settled everything for you and your children to live without him. Honestly, unless there are significant legal ties to property and your attorney says not to leave your house, I’d just plain leave when he’s away and not go back until he’s moved on.
The children will be ok. They will be ok. You will be ok. In fact, you’ll be much, much safer and happier by far.
You should get tested asap. Pinky swear that you will call tomorrow.
if you really want to catch him then answer his ad. This is pretty shady and lowers you to their fucked up world, and I don’t know if I could do it.
fc is right – i waited almost 2 years to tell our friends, I was sure we weren’t going to be friends anymore cause they all think the world of my stbx. Nope they all stand by me now, I was shocked. When I finally started talking I thought – if I lose my friends over this then they aren’t really my friends. Your life and sanity is way more important then what people think.
One of the most destructive things you can do to yourself is hide in someone else’s shame. – not sure what book I got that from but I always tell my self that.STL
Do not have sex and get tested. A recent un study found that globally 4/5 of new aids cases in women were infected by their husband or primary partner. It’s serious. If you don’t protect yourself who will protect your children if something happened to you….
I know all too well the desire to show the evidence and hear my SA admit to it. And you know, Bev is right, they go underground deeper and cover their tracks even more.
Read the checklist posted earlier and get all the documentation you can.
I’m so sorry. I know this is just so awful to deal with.Dear see the light
so many great posts here. I really liked “Do not, I repeat, do not confront him with this. He will give you some asinine bull shit answer that will have some tiny amount of believability to it. And you know what? You will hang onto that tiny shred of believability b/c you want to believe”
i ditto that.
my exsah was also into men and tranny’s. and ads and who knows.
the question that comes up for me, Diane touched on it in her post, is
where is our bottom? we talk about an addict’s bottom. how about our’s? is it porn? is it female prostitutes? is it men? is it when our spouses are bottoms or tops?
what’s our boundary? we soon end up having none.
say nothing. draw the line. easier said than done when there are children. but the children’s boundaries get compromised along with ours also, if we keep letting the sa tug us along down their dark hole.
again where do we draw the line? it will be different for everyone I think. but we must ultmately decide. goes for me too.Dear STL,
I think all the other sisters have pretty much covered everything, but I just wanted to address your comments about him possibly doing these things because you werent being sexual with him, and whether you were in some way to blame. When and if these kinds of shit thoughts pop into your head–please come here immediately and we will set you straight!
I think one of the most horrendous things about all of this is how our own self worth takes a hit. The feelings of rejection can be so devastating. And we have a tendency to look at ourselves and try to see what we may have done to bring all this on. You have done nothing! This doesnt have anything to do with you, other than the fact that you have been lied to and abused by it.
These guys are natural born liars, and only admit to as much as they think we know, or when admitting to one thing can be used to manipulate us into thinking they are being honest and to suck us back in. I think we can safely assume that even the tiniest shred of honestly is likely being used as a tool of manipulation.
Look out for yourself. Get tested. Keep on posting –we are here for you and will help you through this mess. xoxoBefore I put spyware on my pc I had pointed out to my husband a few things I had found in the pc history. I knew they were his and not my kids because the porn sites were always in between him visiting his email, golf, news and sports sites.
After I showed him, which he denied btw, he later figured out how to delete his history so when I looked the next time there was only his golf, news, sports and email but no porn. I decided to kick it up a notch and download Eblaster.
That little, stupid shit. My Eblaster reports showed porn sites but the porn sites history on the pc had been deleted. He thought he was really pulling one over on me. So like Bev said, when you play a hand they will always ante up to get better at hiding it.
Once mine was busted with Eblaster many months later, I stepped it up again but this time I had GPS installed on his truck because he was denying he had surfed porn actresses names/bios when I got an email from Covenant Eyes showing otherwise. Since the pc and his phone were guarded and the tv has R ratings/nudity/sexual content blocks on it that only I have the password to, I knew what was next.
To get his fix he would have to go to the adult bookstore. So via email, I was alerted that he was indeed at the bookstore when his truck entered the geofence I had put up around the property. It’s also a live time tracking system as well. My husband never knew what hit him. The day he was busted at the bookstore, he purposely left his phone at home (which he finally admitted 2-3 weeks after I kicked him out) because he thought I had gps on it. That stupid, stupid man.
Funny thing was, I did install family mapping (AT&T) on his iPhone but it sends an ‘oh btw’ text to the target phone every 60 days i.e ‘hey tard, you’re being tracked by number xxx-xxx-xxxx.’ I mentioned to him I added the mapping and he got an attitude so I took it off and told him so. Apparently, brain child wasn’t listening bc he thought it was still on there.
If I ever decide to care enough to step it up further, I’ll microchip his ass like a dog while he sleeps 😉
That should about cover it.Anyway, these are minor examples compared to worse things other husbands have done but it shows that they WILL try to outsource you. Never forget that.
Hi BonnieB, thanks for your response.
i totally agree when you say they only eventually admit to as much as they think we know. During a discussion the other day, he told me that he had been honest about the infidelity epsiode, with the female. The problem was tho dickhead, you were honest AFTER i found out and confronted You about it. You dont gain brownie points by denying,denying,denying and then only confessing when confronted with damning evidence!!
i would love to be able to read his sick mind sometime, i really would. Just dont know what kind of kick he gets from it all. And hes a father too.Just dont understand.
Hi BonnieB, thanks for your response.
i totally agree when you say they only eventually admit to as much as they think we know. During a discussion the other day, he told me that he had been honest about the infidelity epsiode, with the female. The problem was tho dickhead, you were honest AFTER i found out and confronted You about it. You dont gain brownie points by denying,denying,denying and then only confessing when confronted with damning evidence!!
i would love to be able to read his sick mind sometime, i really would. Just dont know what kind of kick he gets from it all. And hes a father too.Just dont understand.
seethelight,
That’s one thing we learn here pretty quickly- you can never understand…because it is senseless and crazy what they do. But we all go through a process of somehow trying to make sense of it and beating our heads against the wall before we finally give up. I think trying to understand is a very normal human reaction, but it just doesn’t get you anywhere with sex addiction.What you can get your head around is how to help you.
Hell yea sister! It’ll be done to a red zone too!
Red zones are forbidden areas except in deadly force or it just couldn’t be helped scenarios like the groin area, face, breasts, on the head or to a pregnant woman’s belly
I vote groin
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