- This topic has 138 replies, 19 voices, and was last updated 11 years ago by
.
-
Posts
-
Goddesses, you make “smart” very sexy too.
Karen, I love your clarity because sometimes I’m in the marshmallow.
thank you all for engaging this at every level you brought. Your wisdom and insight is breathtaking, and very liberating to me. Keep it coming.
Karen – – LOVED your post. I want to pump my fist and shout it from the rooftops. Diane, if you’ve got an article about this in you, write it and send it everywhere you can think of. Every women’s magazine (great suggestion Nap), every Psychology Journal. Send it to Barbara Steffens and Dr. Minwalla. Hell, send it to Dr. Phil. Maybe we can all chip in and buy a full page ad in all the major newspapers. I’m down for that. If a shithead like Mark Sanford can do that to get his whiny gripes aired, then we can too to get our very legitimate POV heard too.
I’ve been awake since 2.30am thinking about some of these posts. I’m angry, really angry at what my husband has done and I have no shame in saying it. I own my anger but I don’t let it consume me so much that I lose hope. I’m not suggesting that any other sister shouldn’t be angry either.
I’m really pissed off though that it seems to be an issue to some that to have an emotion other than anger toward one’s husband or any other SA for that matter is not permissible. To believe that recovery is not possible is not permissible.
So let me get this straight. It is ‘acceptable’ for one to remain in the marriage if they constantly spit out derogatory one liners about SA’s? It is more ‘self respecting’ to invent some reason that you have to stay in the marriage and then tell everyone else to leave their SA all the while saying how rotten their own husband is. It is also not OK to make a comment when you see real progress in an SA’s recovery. So it takes 3 days and therapy for them to understand they dealt with a situation badly. Big fucking deal! It is still progress.
I’m not ashamed at my anger and I’m not ashamed that I am trying to work at my marriage. Call it malignant hope. We all have our own journey through this and I hope that if all of this turns to muck that I won’t turn around and criticise another sister for trying the same thing.
I’m sorry but some comments remind me of being 15 and back in my single sex high school with the mean girls.
Whoa Catherine…you are sure letting your anger burn! But a great deal of it seems to be directed here at the sisters? I’m not sure where this perception that you (or anyone else) is being criticized for staying in the marriage is coming from. I don’t see it but maybe I’m missing something or maybe I’m one of those sisters whom you are angry with? I’m sorry if you’re offended in some way but I have to tell you, I don’t much like being called a mean girl or having my sisters called one either. I know some of the sisters are against staying in the marriage but I have seen those same sisters say over and over again that whatever the choice you make, they will support you. Not just you but any sister that makes the decision to stay. It works both ways however. You have the right to say when you think an SA is making progress or doing well. Other sisters can agree or disagree with you. That is part of the process here. And yes, to answer your question: It is perfectly acceptable to “remain in the marriage if they constantly spit out derogatory one liners about SA’s?” It’s called venting. It’s healthy.
Hmm.
I’m pretty sure we talk a lot here about the mix of emotions we have about our SAh’s or our ex SAh’s. I know I talk about my sadness a lot. I’ve talked about how hard it is to have resources available now for SA’s that weren’t when I started with this mess—simply because I still long for the man I loved to actually exist, and enjoy his own freedom in the world. My grief is just as real as my anger, and so is the love I gave and still isn’t erased entirely even after divorce. But I still get enraged at three decades of endangering my life and never, in all our married life, honouring our marriage vows. That’s because vows are a carrier of meaning for me. They matter.Our feelings are diverse and sometimes may seem contradictory. But they are all real.
I deleted my post because I really shouldn’t have put it on a public forum. I apologise for any insult taken by anyone who read it. I have PM’d a member.
I missed the post. I will honestly say that the thought of not loving him breaks my heart into a million pieces again and again. I am more afraid of not loving him than I am of him “acting out”.
That does not change the truth about the guys we are dealing with. If my heart breaking would change the truth then we would all be whistling Zippety Do Da and merrily walking around about our lives.
I am still in my marriage and I have to vent or I will not make it (marriage or not). And, I want my truth to be heard. No one has to agree with me. No one has to feel the same. But I get to say it because it is my truth.
Just in case it helps anyone, tomorrow is my 20th wedding anniversary. So, I may be a little angry….I think I have that right. I think I have the right to be mad and sad and appalled and confused and frustrated and whatever other emotion you can name.
Catherine,
I have done that, too. Posted and thought better. Just from what’s left, I do support your decision because it’s yours. Only you know the fullness of your experience. As much as we all have in common, there are even more things that are unique to each of us. Certainly not a one size fits all situation, this disaster called “sexual addiction”.
Diane,
On the note of carriers, is this a Martin Buber “I and Thou” sort of thing?
I do believe vows are a carrier for me, or something like that, that represents some blending of integrity/truth/selflessness/devotion/ acknowledgement of God. It’s HUGE for me and my SA made out like it was so huge for him he left the seminary because of ethical differences with his spiritual supervisor. A teaching of the church actually conflicted with his vows. Now, boy is that explanation of his in question. I’m more apt to believe what his slimy Match.com profile said “I tried to be a stoic once buy my passions got in the way.” Wish I had seen THAT one before we met. Anyway, today’s email he sent included:
“My work with E and the clinic are heading in the right direction and I am optimistic about its success. E has identified a characteristic about me that most counselors have missed. It is my sense of spirituality. Not religion. He has told me that characteristic is what will conquerer this compulsion. I believe him and I am already seeing why. I see positive things happening including I no longer need ambien to sleep. My weight is up to normal levels. I am less isolated from others. I recognize that God is not done with you and me yet and I am encouraged by this. I know we have a chance.”
And yes, I wanted to puke. Because my carriers don’t allow spiritual people to abuse others for pleasure like he did. It is a blasphemy to me. I don’t want his calling “spirituality” into play to extend this abuse, either. My accepting this long term is not the will of God, no matter what SA thinks. He does not know the mind of God for my life, I am certain of that.
And that’s why I think my anger rages so violently at times, because he’s claiming my “carriers”, saying that’s what he loves most about me, what attracted him to me, and then claiming he is their oracle and taking them into vile places I could not even imagine and saying that’s his strongest characteristic and our commonality. I can’t accept it to be true. And he can’t accept it to not be.
I feel violated that someone can claim my carriers and live like that. It’s so personal, way more than just sex.
Damn, I took a nap and missed the fireworks. Not surprising that a thread on female anger might stir some up? Well, hope it all settles down as it usually does. If anyone should be able to tolerate female anger, we should.
Diane, my anger at this point is about the whole systemic failure to acknowledge what he has done to me. It’s about his therapy, my therapy, marriage counseling, the attorneys, the judge, the coparenting therapist, my kids, my financial security, my past present and future…it’s about being so wronged and losing so much and yet being invisible. How can so many people get it so wrong?
He has undermined everything in my life that has meaning, that I worked for, that I was proud of- family, raising my children, security, integrity, honesty, authenticity, love, my memories, the home I worked so hard to build and make safe and warm, the safety net that I wanted my kids to have, my children’s emotional well-being…How can someone I loved do this to me?
And he blames me, his therapist blames me, the marriage counselors who didn’t know what he was doing blamed me, the courts and attorneys and copa all treat it like he and I are equal in this. How can they not see?
When I feel seen, heard, understood, and supported, I feel safe to feel, process, and start to move through my anger. When I don’t, it fills me up and stays put and everything has to go through my anger filter.
His therapy is about learning how to keep his dick in his pants. My healing is about how to reclaim my life and my soul and somehow find meaning from my loss and suffering.
I don’t know if any of this is making any sense. But I feel like my anger comes from so many places and so many levels and is multifaceted… I don’t know how to get my head around it.
“His therapy is about learning how to keep his dick in his pants. My healing is about how to reclaim my life and my soul and somehow find meaning from my loss and suffering.” I loved this Teri, it really spoke to me.
Lynn, I am so happy that your H is sleeping well at night. Not.
Bev, tomorrow is undoubtedly going to be a veritable swamp of emotions. I’ll put my hip waders on and be prepared to wade in after you if you need a rescue. I hope you do feel anger tomorrow. It’s good and righteous anger and it’s target deserves every speck of it. The only thing I’m sorry for is that you didn’t give me more notice that your anniversary is tomorrow. I would have gotten on Amazon and ordered the hotdog and banana slicer duo. And have it tastefully giftwrapped of course. 😉
Diane I couldn’t help it! I googled it!! Is it ok to get angry? Gosh!!
There were articles about all facets of anger
I liked the article that referred me back to the bible to say yes – it’s ok to get angry about the stuff that God gets angry about… Breaking of covenant, abuse and mistreatment of the weak and poor, oppression of his people… So damn yes! We should be angry!
Theni found this…
http://www.myparkinsons.org/parkinsons-disease-caregiver-commentary/its-ok-to-be-angry.shtmlAn unusual link to our situation but some of it resonated. A lot. It is the intrinsic misogyny in the world that puts us in this shituation of continued abuse. If they shame our anger they dampen our capacity to see beyond it and find the key to our freedom. Anger is a springboard to changing something. “They” don’t benefit in the change we instigate if we get angry enough.
Lynn,
What a perfect email for today! How nice of him!So I as I am sifting through this and thinking about what gives our lives meaning and how what they do relates to that, I guess the thing that bugs me about dr. evil the most (?) is that what he has done to our kids, the way he has put them at risk and hurt them, and then he turns around and pretends he is father of the year and lectures me about parenting.
That gets the steam going out my ears. Yeah, he’s a real family man.
So is it like they know what is supposed to be meaningful, like religion, family, etc. but they don’t get it, so it gets the same bullshit superficial treatment like the emails to us about how sorry they are. And we understand what a blasphemy they are making of the whole shallow gesture so we get pissed?
That’s what sociopaths do Teri, they can’t feel real emotions but they can see what other people project and they fake it. I have no doubt whatsoever that dr. e is a dyed in the wool sociopath. What bugs me the most about dr. e? I have to live on the same planet and breath the same air he does.
Maybe we can do something about that? I keep hoping. If he dies tonight, I’m gonna feel guilty even if I didn’t have the privilege.
It sounds like Catherine got a little hot and posted but then deleted it later?
Catherine- you are not the first sister to do this nor will you be the last. I have deleted posts myself that I thought better of afterwards.
I didn’t know we could delete a post? BUT now I see there is a delete right beside edit. I use edit all the time. Go figure. If I had known that I would have deleted my drunken post to Bev. LOL I will also be thinking of you tomorrow, Bev and I fully understand what you are saying about being afraid to accept that you may not love who your husband really is? I was sitting with my husband yesterday watching the sun set over the beautiful Table Mountain. I had just come from the store and he from work. It is a little more formal in the office here and he was dressed for work. He was sitting there texting my son and suddenly I was hit by such a wave of longing that I physically jolted. I have NO IDEA where it came from or what it meant. I don’t even know what I wanted but it was a combo of sexual and something proprietary. My stomach actually did a flip. I didn’t say a word but I couldn’t shake the feeling all night long. It left me very unsettled and wondering if I have buried him deep enough after all.
- The forum ‘Sex Addiction Treatment Center And Counselor Reviews’ is closed to new topics and replies.