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I remember a few weeks ago, someone mentioned that it would be nice to see posts on our progress and our husband’s progress. So, I thought I’d share this with you tonight. 🙂
Since his relapse, D has been working hard and I’ve made some decisions for myself too.
D has been talking to his sponsor either before or after his meeting and then again during the week. He comes away from these discussions with insight and the realization how important it is to keep on communicating, no matter how difficult it is for him to talk about. He has shared things with me from his childhood that I didn’t know before – he has fought weight gain before during his pre-teens until his step dad came along and inspired him. When he got married to his first wife, and she began the verbal abuse, the weight began to rise again – he knows he is a stress eater. This is the first time he said it and meant it as “I need to fix this shit” not as an excuse. He shared his birth father’s past and it’s one of multiple marriages and abandoned children. Lots of abandoned kids. Heartbreaking. It seems that D is beginning to explore the “why’s” of his addiction. This brings me hope.
For myself, at work, I finally stood up to my boss and while my NY side came out a bit strong and may have cost me my job; I don’t care. I don’t deserve the treatment she’s given me – screw her. I also decided to work more diligently on myself and do the steps minus the sponsor. I have to many disagreements with the actual concept, but, think that self work can never be a bad thing. I just don’t think, for me, having a sponsor would be beneficial. Maybe I’ll change my mind along the way, maybe not. So, instead of just attending some S-Anon meetings, I’ll be a participant.
So, for today, I’m in a good place.
Hugs,
SS
Way to go. You are living your life as if it is your own. And your SA’s is his own life. We all get to deal with our own shit. It may well be that you will be able to build a relationship of value out of two ppl working hard at being whole. As you go along, don’t get lost in his story, or think its more important than your own. Stay steady. Keep working at your own story. I think you will end up in the best possible place.
bravo, sister
Diane.I’m happy for you, SS!
As far as step work, I have thought of doing that from time to time myself, with the same reasoning that you give: it can’t be bad to work on myself, SA or no SA. The Partner Workshops on Recovery Nation are also good as well…I have to get back to those.
Rooting for you and another good day tomorrow!
Love JulieDiane, I like what you said ‘don’t get lost in his story, or think its more important than your own’. That’s such an important thing to remember and it is all too easy for us forget that. Thanks for the reminder.
ss it was great meeting you this past weekend, next time in person and your daughter is beautiful. im so happy that you and yours are working on this. i know how hard it is at times. keep us up to date its nice to know how each of us find ways to help ourselves along this path. never know if what we do can help others too
much love kattDear SS,
Good for you with the boss! I think the steps just for yourself is a great idea. I am always threatening to get into that inner child stuff and I think the steps, recovery nation or any journaling activities probably help us explore our own feelings? I find it hard to quiet myself to do the inner work. Much easier to run down my husband( he is already flat as a pancake) BUT longterm…..probably does not help us figure out what we want? Damn! 🙂 Karen xxGreat job SS!!! You go girl. I love when we work on ourselves…discover ourselves, strengthen ourselves, care for ourselves! Also, I am also glad your h is working on the roots more too.
Regarding my h…after telling him I filed for divorce, he was THEN willing to watch the dvd entitled “Helping Her Heal” by Douglas Weiss. He watched it and practiced the techniques of listening, validating my feelings, exploring MORE of my feelings, and asking what he could do to help me. He even mentioned that it was amazing I stayed with him this long.
One day, a couple of weeks ago, he called his best bud and had him come over to watch it…after watching the two-hour lecture, his friend texted me and apologized for not understanding and supporting me more in my distress.
That was good.
Thank you for the kind words, ladies 🙂
Diane-I still have to remind myself not to get wrapped up in him but I’m finding that with time and the ability to overcome triggers (still working on those blasted two that are left); I am able to focus more on myself now.
Julie-I was doing RN but I was doing Candeo at the same so I stopped because it was to much at once. RN is a really, really good program though!! It made me really stop and think things through.
Katt-It was so good to meet you too! Thank you, I relayed your compliment to my daughter and her self esteem boosted 🙂
Karen-Oh, trust me, I do run down my husband – a lot – it helps short term so then I can work on my long term. Just kidding!! 😉
bt-I’ll have to check out that DVD – I never even heard of it!
Hugs,
SSWell, I did it…I took my first step, sort of speak, I got myself a sponsor. I admit, I laid out some concerns and some semi-ground rules and she was very laid back about them and said this was all mine to do, she was simply there to guide me through, reach out to and help me stay on track…I feel pretty good about it, although nervous. I feel like I almost have someone keeping tabs on me, in a way LOL
Hugs,
SSSS You got a sponsor? WOW!! I hope this will be positive for you. Will not hurt to try it in any event? I know many Cosa who tried a sponsor in the beginning and it didn’t work- probably because they were still caught in too much high emotion to really be able to focus on themselves. Further down the line they got another and they all felt they benefited enormously. You are probably ready to try to focus on YOU. Good Luck! Karen xx
Good luck, SS! I think that’s a brave step. I think the whole “working on myself” thing was WAY too much right after d-day. I don’t think there’s inherently anything wrong with step work, as long as you don’t let the labels (co-addict, etc) traumatize you more. Keep us posted on how it goes, with whatever (if anything) you feel comfortable sharing in the future!
love, JulieSS,
My husband’s childhood is also part of the root cause of his acting out. He was abused as a child, and was never nurtured by his Mom. He also never had a father figure and always felt inadequate as a man.
I’m so glad that things are going well with you. You have made great strides and are doing well to take good care of yourself.
Keep up the good work.
Much love, Claire
Yeah, I know right, Karen! A sponsor already LOL, there was no way in COSA that I could have found a sponsor. I was there for two months immediately following DDay. I was being shoved into a co-dep box and it didn’t feel right. Plus, the group itself wasn’t right for me. They seemed to go in circles about their SA’s and it was full of such negatively. I could never have made progress there. I was in such a raw place too – very right Julie!
I’ll be sure to share 🙂
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