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WHEN will I learn? When he’s finished off what’s left of me???
Oh, got ahead of myself. I check the board frequently to see how everyone is doing. So, an unknown name for many is popping up with this post. I’ll get better about posting, but I want all of you to know I’m walking this out alongside you.
Long story short: Have been married for 24 years (25 next month, as the divorce won’t finalize before then.) Found out about a year and a half ago about the “man” (using that term lightly) my stbx really is. He volunteered information over the course of about 6 months, laced with minimizations, outright lies, and blaming (I had gained weight and he was “repulsed by that” and felt I had “violated my wedding vows” to him by the weight gain but never bothered to talk to me about any of it at the time.). Thus, the blaming as it all came out. The year+ that ensued was the drill so many of us have gone through: Counselling, disclosure, polygraph, pretend remorse…ya’ll know it well.
In November of last year, I caught him staring at both of our daughters’ cleavage, practically in a damn trance (they are 18 and 22). That was IT for me. Kicked him out immediately. He moved in with a mutual friend who is a good man. Two weeks after separating, HAIL MARY time came… therapist said last hope was inpatient treatment, which he embraced and we withdrew $16k from our 401k to fund what insurance didn’t cover. He was gone 30 days and naively thought he would be coming back to our home when he was discharged. Wrong, buddy! Good friend didn’t let him move back in with him (Ii don’t even wanna know what that was about!) so he came back from the treatment facility and lived in a roach motel for 3 weeks, then moved to an apartment with a short term lease that ends in July. That’s where he lives now and I hope all the roaches moved with him.
I was doing well. Growing, re-claiming my self-esteem and life and gaining momentum. I am handling all the finances and he has (surprisingly) not touched anything in our account otherwise. Divorce is not formally filed but attorney and I are working out the settlement in anticipation of filing soon. Divorce takes 60 days to finalize here.
So what happened? Taxes. Filing taxes. I let him come over to work on that last week. It took 2 evenings to get it done but finally finished. It was only after that I realized I had been sucked back in time to the the “us” I had believed we were. He talked and behaved like the man I thought he was in our marriage. Attentive, cooperative, working as a team.
That’s the long, short, long of it. Silence since. I’m SO irritated with myself because I know better. I know there is nothing real in him that’s good for me and still got caught up in tender memories of the life I thought I had for so many years.
I’m not gonna beat myself up over this. I just have to shake it off and count it as a reminder of why this will never work with him. Easier said than done when the heart is involved. But hard just means hard, not impossible. I’m moving forward and he can kiss my ass (again, figuratively because my ass belongs to me along with everything else I’m taking back).
These bastards mess with our lives without conscience. Thanking God that nothing more than one hug happened physically while I got caught up again.
I.hate.this.
I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been in and out of the swamp a few times. Please take care of yourself first, from now on. Start your own bank acct and put some money in it every week. Slowly. Safely. Am I to take it that the 60 day in patient thing hasn’t changed anything?
If I were you, I would withdraw a matching amount and put it in my personal acct. for your own therapeutic needs. Go to Minwalla or something. Go to Hawai. Come and visit me in Calgary. Just start the equalizing process somehow.So sorry for the pain, the reopening of the wounds that were starting to heal. You will get past this. Don’t be too hard on yourself- goodness knows I think we have all had moments of weakness and learned the hard way.
Aside from changing our account balance and giving me time to heal, no lasting changes, no. Oh, we did get the formal NPD diagnosis to go with the SA. No surprise there, except maybe learning he is on the far end of the spectrum.
Sizeable tax return coming, thanks to all the medical expenses this year. It will be a “who gets to it first” once it’s deposited, I suspect…
I think you did well and sound great. Ok so you fell for his nice guy routine but MAJOR POINTS to you for recognizing it and moving on.
I admire your strength.
Hey Mrs. G, good to “see” you posting though I’m sorry for the reason. I’ve got to say you sound strong and very together and yes, we all have those little lapses. Perfectly normal and I’m glad you’re not beating yourself up over it. Keep us posted as you move forward.
Mrs G, I have been in the same boat multiple times over the last two years since Dday, it is so god damn hard to extract them from our lives, thoughts, hopes and dreams,,,,it has taken me many multiple experiences of pain, severe pain over drifting into the swamp before i am finally seeing the light, i think this time,,,,
thanks for bringing up this topic, but you sound great, you are on your healing path.I agree with Desiree you sound really strong. I just have to say it amazes me when they criticise appearances like we let ourselves go. Do they think they are Richard Gere?
Thank you for the encouragement. I might sound stronger than I actually feel. My heart is pretty bruised but my mind is clearer. My therapist (thanks so much, bastard, that I even need one!) keeps reminding me that extraction from a long term marriage is a process and expecting to do it perfectly is unrealistic. All I know is I’m tired of the fear and pain -the angst – that comes with him when I allow him around me. My youngest daughter talks about a darkness that surrounds him. She’s 18. I’m 53 and just now recognizing that??
Ah Mrs. Grinch, you mean Mr. Grinch’s heart didn’t grow 3 sizes that 30 days in inpatient treatment 😉 No? So let’s do the math…. since his ‘heart’ started out 2 sizes too small, and apparently didn’t grow at all, I guess you’re left with a heartless fucker. Luckily you realize this. Hang in there! Love, Liza
You will turn it around, and you know already that the taxes are a race so you’re ready for the pounce. All that stuff about our appearances being an issue, bully on them. You are right, if he actually had an issue he should have communicated that LONG, long ago. He’s just pushing buttons and hitting weak spots so you (most likely) won’t strike back because you’re nursing your own wounds. If they’re SAs, I say they have zero class and discernment so what the hell does their opinion have to do with anything? I mean really, any man that can zone out on his daughter’s cleavage? Glad you threw him out on that.
You know where you stand. You have learned more about your own weaknesses and strengths. Put the knowledge to use. We are behind you.
You’re a mean one, Mrs. Grinch! LOL…just kidding – I always think of that line when I see your user name. Anyway, I think you are doing amazingly well – you just need time for your heart to catch up to your brain. Recognizing it for what it is is half the battle, right? And, I think you can do your own version of “immersion” therapy – write a list of all the terrible things he has done to remind you of why you are in this situation in the first place. He tried to blame you for his issues b/c you gained some weight? Fuck him! He turned trance-like looking at his own daughters boobs? Fuck him!
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