Should you tell people about your spouses sex addiction?

I was waiting for someone to post this. During D-day when the extent of his SA (my ex-boyfriend) wasn’t clear to me, I tried telling his mom and sister. His mom’s reply was “Boys will be boys.” and the sister ignored my email altogether.

I found out in Facebook. To make the long story short, I was able to open his secret account. The motherload so to speak. I wanted to hit him where it hurt so I told two of his male bestfriends. Because atthat time he was making me look as the “crazy” one. Gave them the username and password and let them see it for themselves. They found it amusing. He was given a big bullocking in a party but afterwards they were still friends and hanging out.
I tell everyone who cared enough to listen. Short of pathetic, yes. But I am someone who wears my heart on my sleeves lest I explode. All are close friends who were with me when it all was beggining to get sour. Most are in shock and unanimously have said to stay the hell clear of him (easier said than done) I do not know the implications of this when my daughter grows up. I would be telling her when the RIGHT TIME comes [like I told my eldest of his father’s – my ex-husband’s
drug addiction at a time when she could understand what it’s about.) But this a whole different ball game.
I’ve always been told there is Dignity in Silence. Then I think I should find my dignity elsewhere then because I am not the silent type :-p

Lylo makes alot of sense. I fear the reprecussions of letting it out in the open. There’s relatives that would be extremely hurt to find out, perhaps explaining his behavior towards them over the years. Then there will be those who won’t believe me because he’s managed so well to fake them all out as being such a wonderful guy. And I don’t think I can deal with people not believing me right now. While I would love to get it off my chest and tell someone, anyone, I just can’t until I’m sure it’s the right time. I would also love for my family to know the distress I’m in, but if I told them and if they believed me, they would want me to leave him right away and I know that’s not in my best interest right now. So why bring all those unwanted battles into my world when I can barely function as it is. We live in a small town and he holds a very respectable position with the City and if it got out all hell would break loose. We can’t afford to jeapordize his job because it’s our only source of income and he’s going to retire in less than 2 years. So there’s so much to think about before we utter a word. i suppose that’s what therapists are for; to tell them things we cannot tell someone else. At my age (52) I just don’t want any more drama. You know what I mean? 🙂

There is so much more dignity in truth than silence and don’t let anyone tell you differently!! There is also more dialogue and intrusion, so be prepared. Hugs!!!

It is frustrating, as people find out we are divorcing, that they only know about his bipolar but not the SA. One man from church emailed that he was sorry I was divorcing my husband, who would struggle with his mental health issue his entire life. Those who don’t know the full story will see me as the woman leaving a man who is ill, not one who continues to make choices that destroyed our marriage and endanger our son. But telling doesn’t always create understanding, either, depending on who is receiving the news. My mother-in-law still blames me for the separation, I think, and has much anger towards me for keeping my husband from his family (me and the kids). Even though she knows about the bipolar and the porn addiction. I tell those close to me who I know will be confidential and will be supportive of me. And he will tell whoever he wants, which sometimes more than you will even want to know . . .

Nap, I heard a similar saying that when you tell people your troubles they 1) don’t care, or, 2) are glad you have them. Pretty cynical, but there may be some truth. I think #2 is called schadenfreude in German: getting some kind of satisfaction from anothers’ discomfort. Like your friend lots of people just love to get info about others’ misfortune to jabber about.

Dear All,

I struggled much with the tell or not tell. To keep my sanity I told my immediate family and couple friends / co worker. It helped so much at first as I was in so much pain. But it does make reconciliation or staying even harder, if that’s on the menu. I was so dead set on divorce at first, I did not care. But now I am reconsidering whether that is the best choice. My family is willing to give another chance and not judge-they support me either way. However, in the work place word travels fast. I feel that I look like an idiot. Have some regret w/talking too much. Also, I want my daughter to know when she is older and can understand. Don’t need family/people blabbing everywhere that her daddy is an SA and likes “all kinds” of experiences. If it were my dad, it would make me feel horrible. Overall people have been pretty good. Even his mom, who is in complete denial, “he’s a man” kind of thing, does not give approval for his extra curricular activities. My sister in law says she swears not to blab because it will hurt my daughter–I believe her. But what do we do? We need help and support from people with this- we need to talk about it to survive! . We can’t be devastated and then not reach out to our support systems for help. It’s just too cruel. I wish I could be English about it, – stiff upper lip and carry on- but it was too devastating.

Hi all,
I have been selective in who I have chosen to tell. I either dont trust the people I have chosen not to tell or its not in my best interest. I have learned this the hard way. I do think only we can decide what is best for us.

Lylo, so sorry about your best friend and your husband. What a slap in the face. Now, in addition to your husband’s addiction, you have lost your best friend. This is a very complicated addiction.

Lylo,
That is awful, my heart goes out to you. Your BF. I read the first part thinking you are so luckly to have such a good friend. She is then on the list of betrayers. So sad. Hugs to you.

Thanks for the hug Flora. I ache at the thought of the years of friendship that were a sham. And for the image of our marriage that so many people had that i wasnt aware of Youre right – sadly nothing is sacred for these guys. My SA will attest to that. He said nothing was more important than him and his compulsion – and not getting caught. It’s so hard to reconcile the guy I thought he was with the things he has done. Makes me crazy. I know all of us can relate. I do have compassion for him though when I put myself aside and really consider the genesis of the whole thing and the self loathing that perpetuated it. Then other moments I just want to scream.

On the initial d-day {there have been 3} the first people I called were his arrogant, haughty parents. They had always treated me as if I were a 2nd class citizen who was lucky to have their “darling, wonderful son” as my husband. Let the truth be TOLD. I didn’t hold back a THING…from the porn to the chats to the random chics to the thousands of dollars he spent on prostitutes. Of course, at first they didn’t believe it, but I took it upon myself to SHOW them. Then I asked them to help their son because I couldn’t. THey didn’t do shit. Once the initial shock wore off, they went back to their la-la land of “our family is perfect and wonderful and better than everyone else”
I also told my parents, my sister, and my 2 best friends. What I really want to do is shout it to the world. I’m so tired of hearing about what a great guy he is.
It was my daughter’s 2nd birthday party the other day; I live in a small house and only invited immediate family and friends; this didn’t sit well with my SA {probably didn’t want to be in a room full of people who know the truth, even though his parents still think he’s God} so he went and invited a bunch of people from his side of the family; some of whom I have never even MET before. My house was a fire hazard, the crowd literally pushed my friends out the door, and the whole time I just wanted to stand on a table with a megaphone and tell EVERYONE exactly WHO AND WHAT HE IS and WHY HE ASKED THEM TO COME OVER. It took everything inside of me to hold back; even my 77 year old dad had to come and calm me down {I was eating in my own bathroom, because there was no where for me to sit}. I also wanted to remind his parents that their son is SICK, and they have done NOTHING to even ACKNOWLEDGE IT or HELP HIM, and they have BALLS to come into my house and try to dominate my child’s attention away from me and my family when they should be sitting in the corner, grateful that the SOB is even IN THIS HOUSE and that my family doesn’t SPIT IN HIS FACE OR KICK HIS ASS. They need a huge dose of humble pie.
As far as other people, I haven’t uttered a word, but I’m very close to doing so. At first I was embarrassed but why should I be?? He’s the sick asshat, NOT me. Let the world know as far as I’m concerned. Maybe then people will stop kissing his ass and telling me how lucky I am to have met him/have him.