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A trigger (for lack of better word) nonetheless…..
I’m at the Almighty Grocery store yesterday…. And Archway cookies caught my eye….. It took me back about 17 years…..
On and off again apparently they would sell a cookie called “soft sugar”…. In the usual Archway bag….
Now, I would never even known of these or tried them… But Dum Dum had told me early in our relationship that they were his Fave! I would look high and low for these cookies… Sometimes even going to more than one store in a shopping trip. Sometimes I would score, sometimes not. But I was always so proud of myself and SO HAPPY whenever I could bring those favorite cookies home to him…. Like a little puppy dog, awaiting my pat on the head reward for a job well done.
Sigh…. That is a small example of all the little niceties I did to try to make him happy and comfortable. I always went out of my way to fetch his goodies and do nice, sweet, spontaneous things for that fucker. He was my life. I literally lived to please him and make him happy.
And all the while, FROM THE BEGINNING, he was fraudulent and the whole thing was nothing but a joke to him. Pathetic little wife, killing herself to meet his needs (all the while working two jobs) and contributing in every way possible. Giving and giving and giving….. To a liar and a cheater and a Narc.
Just a sad reflection. I’m fine. I survived.
I am still triggered.
oh SL, i hear you! such a waste of your sweet self. and such a recurring betrayal to be reminded of things you used to do for him. your efforts and good will – his lies and betrayal. just doesn’t add up does it?
but now, girlfriend, where does that sweetness of your go? to your self, to your own sweet boyfriend?
so glad you are no longer giving any more of your beautiful energy to dum dum.
((SL)) I’m so sorry. I hate the grocery store these days. Things like those Archway cookies (or Count Chocula cereal for him, in my case) are enough to give us a gut punch. It’s weird..in the grocery store sometimes I feel like a widow. It’s like those damn shelves are full of the everyday memories. I’ve started ordering a lot of groceries from Amazon. I order Cracklin’ Oat Bran by the case and blow it out my butt every morning. Seems appropriate somehow. Take care of you. And remember that you are our success story and reminder that there’s happiness outside this Twilight Zone. Big hugs. xoxo
Exactly sister! Tonight, on a good note, my boyfriend painted a big, beautiful, canvas of the Indianapolis skyline at night fall to proudly display on my Tennesee wall. It took him about 6 hours and turned out beautifully! He wanted me to have a piece of home. Now THAT’S love! 🙂
Thanks ladies! I love you all soooo much…. For “getting it”…. For everything!!!
Anniem- LMAO!!! I needed that! Thanks! 🙂
Anniem,
Now at least I’ll have something else to think about in the cereal isle, thanks to you and your Cracklin’Bran!
Makin’ me laugh, girl!
Much love, Claire
Cbslife I would marry you! I want to be spoilt and loved just like you did your husband. Same with you Annie. These guys were so lucky. What a waste. My trigger today. A review of a movie about student prostitutes in France. You know what is weird. I was hoping no-one would call me so I didn’t miss anything when they talked about prostitutes. When I was young I looked through one my brother’s medical embryology textbooks. It had the most ghastly, horrible images of deformed babies which was really disturbing for me but I kept turning to see what was on the next page. It’s the same with anything I read or hear about prostitutes. It’s horrible but I can’t get enough. Can anyone explain this?
Silver Lining I love a good love story. Your fiance sounds absolutely gorgeous.Dear SL,
All that loving and giving has kept you in practice until you met a man who was capable of receiving it? It didn’t go to waste.
Dear Catherine,
I understand. It is like a morbid fascination with the object of your pain. I suppose we want to know something about this alternate reality they live in and who lives in it with them? I would imagine women go through the same thing about an affair partner- ruminating on the other woman- wondering what she is all about. I think it is all part of trying to mentally process
the shock and information that is too traumatic to grasp. The same way an earthquake victim keeps reliving the event.
Karen xxsl – he had no idea how good he had it. And when I saw your 3 words – nurturing and generous fit you perfectly. I can see you hunting down cookies! You are funny too, but looks aren’t everything (winky smiley face -if I could figure out how to do it) ! Next time you see something like that pat yourself on the back and say “damn I am awesome”. And you should only share your generosity with those who deserve it. I know dum dum misses his cookies – and thats just the tip of the iceberg.
So sorry, SL. Will we ever get over how we have been cheated out of so much of our life, love, and energy by these guys?
At least hold on to what those cookies say about you- you are a loving, giving person. You can be proud of that. Maybe try to think of that next time you see those cookies?
SL you are an amazing person, think of what a big loss dumm dumm had when you moved on, he knows it very well that he will never have someone in his life like you ever again,
Dearest SL,
just when you least expect it…
he gets you in the cookie aisle.O my, i have a lot of those stories too. Little things I did to bring him a surprise of joy. All the while he had his own way of getting it.
Stay steady. You are going to all right again. Just a little setback this time.
warm hugs for brave SL
D.xoannie, thanks for the laugh!
I order Cracklin’ Oat Bran by the case and blow it out my butt every morning…
Catherine, I think Karen is right about the morbid fascination. I’ve gotten addicted to the Investigation Discovery channel, and feel a bit ghoulish and guilty, because the programs I watch are about twisty puzzling murders that actually happened to real people. I guess it’s just the dark side of human nature. Or maybe a way to tell oneself, ‘See? Things could be a lot worse.’ xoxo
I will look for those cookies now and buy every package and throw them away …just in case he looks for them in my area. 🙂
I’m sorry SL…the grocery store is my enemy. I am going to conquer it….cookie aisle and all !! You will be just fine.
It just brings up the wasted energy …..just sad.
yes, Annie, you cracked me up too.
If you can’t have good sex you at least should be regular.And I also developed a morbid fascination for airplane disaster shows that I would watch on You Tube (don’t get the channels on my tv). It was like I had to know what went wrong.
SL,
You’re pure sugar sister!!! I never met a ‘cookie hunter’ before. You’re just a doll. I’m so happy you fiancé appreciates the special woman you are.
Love, Nap~*~PS I like corn chex with grapenuts on top.
Thank you one and all! I’m over it now, of course but just HAD to share the moment with my sisters.
Meanwhile, now I am CRACKING up at many of your responses! Bev, you (and Annie) were the reason I called it the Almighty Grocery store!! And, Bev, for what you said about throwing them away- LMAO!!
All of you, thanks for the hugs, the validation, the understanding and mostly, your friendship! I would be lost without it, even now, even always!!
XOOXOXO!!
BTW. I didn’t mean that you girls wasted your time on these men. I think they wasted your love. The loss was theirs.
SL, I suppose you wouldn’t be human if you didn’t have triggers like this once in awhile, considering all the energy you put into this fake. Going back to that reality must be momentarily devastating. The beautiful thing is that you have healed yourself to a level that allows only momentary episodes. Reading these posts helps me understand why others have trouble with the grocery store. I never got that.
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