- This topic has 16 replies, 9 voices, and was last updated 12 years, 2 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
I have commenced divorce proceedings. I would like to chat with Sisters from South Africa particularly with regards to divorce settlement and property. We are married in Community of Property, bit of a challenge since SAH also compulsive gambler but he currently pays mortage bond.
Gail, sorry I’m not in South Africa, but I wanted to let you know that I wish you well in your divorce proceedings. It’s a difficult process emotionally, but it sounds like it’s a step in the right direction, especially if he has gambling problems as well as sex addiction. Hang in there- we are here for you.
Thanks so much Teri. I really feel the care and support in this group so I value the fact that I am amongst a group of caring sisters. My husband was in full time ministry and served as a Pastor of a church while hiding there to cover his addiction. I have spoken with many of the senior Pastors in an attempt to make sense of his abusive behaviour and to seek help for my family. Today when they hear I have started divorce proceedings they say ” Gail you cannot stay in this abusive relationship”. My 16 year old says “Mum, why do they only tell you that now???”. True hey. I am hoping to hear from South African sisters as each country as you know has its own set of laws. But thanks again.
hi gail,
great that you are reaching out! have you seen a lawyer there? i’ve seen a few here, and many of them will give you a first consultation for free or for a reduced rate. it can be overwhelming, though, i do not have a mind for legal speak! so it’s nice to talk to someone.
wow, pastor of a church, he really did have a good cover didn’t he? shaking my head… at least you are getting support from the senior pastors now, even if it’s a bit late.
sometimes its when we take action that people really start to take us seriously…
this is a difficult time for you, wishing you light…
Gail – You are new to me, but glad you are here, and so sad you are having to deal with all of this.
I think religion can sometimes not only be an addiction for an SA, as well, but the perfect place to be a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I think we would be surprised at how many men hide behind the cloth for a cover and carry on – all in the name of God.
Good luck to you, and I am glad you have the support of the Senior Pastor’s.
SharronHi lisak
I do have a lawyer. Still owe him a wee sum of money so he doesnt respond to my emails until thats paid I guess. Unfortunately in South Africa, I havent heard of a lawyer that will offer a free consultation. Yesterday I met the chldren’s counsellor and she made some suggestions regarding the house. In the process you can become so emotionally drained that you could even cut yourself short, I guess. So I was grateful for her caution. I checked online for help in this regard and after enquiring received an email telling me it would cost R900.00. That’s huge. I was hoping to hear from someone who had already gone through the process who could share the pitfalls etc.Absolutely Sharon. Let me share a bit more. During our marriage my husband acted out violently, had multiple affairs, pornography, deception etc. When things got rough I called in the senior pastors. This very one who now says you cant stay in this abusive relationship. They would listen to me, listen to my husband who always had a way of explaining away his behaviour. Can you imagine? Kicking my son between the legs…. surely the writing must have been on the wall for these senior guys? But every time I came away from such a situation feeling disempowered. I attended various counselling sessions over the years and one counsellor when I shared certain stuff looked at me and said, he’s a sex addict. She went on and said he is living a double life. Get out. Needless to say I stayed for 27 years. I feel proud of myself that I have reached this place. I am also so fortunate to be surrounded by so many of you during this time. I am so glad I found this site! I was sinking.
Gail, My best friend was married to a sex addict who was a minister. She divorced him years ago when we didn’t have words like sex addiction. The church and other ministers were not sympathetic to her regarding divorce. So glad to hear things have changed. I’m sorry, I can’t help with the South Africa aspect. Is there a divorce support group perhaps? Or maybe you could talk to acquaintances you know who have been through divorce. I’ve found acquaintances very helpful.
Hi Gail,
I am aware that sex addiction/compulsive behaviours are at least the same percentages in clergy as in the general population. I am so glad you had the strength to step away from this abusive situation and I thank God for the messenger–the counsellor– who gave you the assessment and the adivce. I am from Canada and can’t help with south African stuff, but I just wanted to send encouragment to you.
I think those other ministers were cowards and sexist both. YOur son is wise. Tell him I said so.
hugs
Diane.Penny and Diane, thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my thread, even though you are not in South Africa. It means so much to me. I joined a support group last year called “Divorce Care”. They commence again in February, which is just around the corner, so you are so right Penny I will wait until the group reopens next month for that type of assistance!
At the moment I am on holiday with my two younger sons in Mossel Bay at a lovely hotel. We are having such a great time. Wow… when you are stuck in the mess of being married to and living with a SA, you dont see beyond that. You never stop to think that there is life beyond that. This is exactly what the boys and I are experiencing now. We have fun in the huge waves on the beach, we watch TV together, have great mealtimes without words of sarcasm, him being in a hurry to do his rubbish etc.gail, that’s awesome! savour that time with them! you all deserve lovely time together – enjoy each other!
Gail, I love hearing what a great time you’re having vacationing with your sons. Bright life, post SA.
Hi Gail,
It’s good to hear that you now have some validation and support from those who should have been there to hear you long ago. It is heinous when anyone in a position of authority uses that as cover for evil doing but I particularly take offense who hide behind a religious facade.
Have fun on your vacation!
Dear Gail,
He sounds like a complete monster…a human devil. So glad you are away from him, someone finally heard you and that you are sharing simple pleasures with your children. I have been to your country and I know how beautiful your beaches are. I hope you will find answers to your divorce questions when your other forum starts up. Sending peace and freedom to you and your children. Karen xx
- The forum ‘Divorce’ is closed to new topics and replies.