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greetings sisters, so as you know my SAXBF cut me off cold about 3 weeks ago, after we had a big fight. we have not talked since.
it has been such a shock because it seemed things were going well and he fought so hard to get me back this spring.
i know, and you all have reminded me, that it is ultimately the best outcome but it is still a huge blow that after all this shit, HE walked away.
tomorrow we have a “closure” session with a therapist to wrap everything up hopefully on a more productive note than things were left. what i want from this session: we have a professional community in common. we live in a not-so-big city. i want the opportunity to correct some of the crap he’s been saying about me on the record. i also want to say my goodbyes…
this evening i found out he is starting to date someone else. at least one someone. he invited her to something we were supposed to do together 🙁
i know from my experience here and from all of you that i should not care and should count my blessings to be out of this. i will. i promise.
but just for right now, this really hurts. i am asking for the sisters to send some strength and prayers my way tomorrow so i make it through this last bit of time with him with grace and my dignity intact.
please.
thank you.I’m so sorry Artemis. He’s a tool for already dating. It’s got to be hard to have to run in the same circles. Mine’s in a whole other state (literally and figuratively) so that makes it less scary for me.
I know tomorrow’s gonna suck but I just wanted to share. I went no contact in the beginning of Sept and today I had my very first ever moment of ambivalence in how I felt about my ex. Granted it lasted two hours but I’m saying…it’s out there. It will happen. On the other hand I am still mourning. It takes time. Don’t feel bad about that. But that ambivalence, or as chump lady puts it..the meh, you’re gonna get there when the time is right.
Strength for tomorrow!!
Oh Artemis…I hate him. 🙁 Try to remember a tip that applies to ALL break ups…not just those with perverts? The blow to our pride hurts far longer than the blow to our heart. Keep your dignity no matter what your heart screams at you. If he is seeing someone else he has moved on. Don’t let him see how much it hurts. Keep your dignity and your pride intact. It will help you to heal much faster. He took enough. Don’t give him anymore? Huge Hugs, Karen
Smile and wish him well. He will need it.
Sending you a hug and thoughts of strength during this time.
On this one I say, listen to your pride and not your heart.
Artemis,
I dont’ quite understand- do you want to correct the record with the therapist or with your professional community? Whose therapist is this that you are going to? I guess I am a bit skeptical that this is another way he will try to make out he is wonderful and you are nuts?
I hope that you get the closure you are after. I don’t think we ever really do. My inclination is to go after something more concrete like if there is any money or property that still needs to be separated or boundaries in your professional lives . Although I would be reluctant to let him know anything hurts because he will go out of his way to do that. Just keep it professional.
He’s a dick, Artemis, but you are not going to feel detached this soon. I am so sorry for how he has treated you. Good luck this morning.
Sounds awful Artemis. I’ll be thinking about you and hoping you get the closure you need.
Hugs,
DaisyIt does sound hideous Artemis and I am so sorry. If you need to do it then I hope you get something positive from it. I remember sitting in MC before I knew about the SA. I thought the whole time… “Why am I married to someone that I need/have to have a therapist as a go between in order to talk?”…… I always thought that it was so dumb. I went because he convinced me that we needed to go…..
Just remember, there is NOTHING you can say to him that will change his mind. I don’t know who it is that you want to set the record straight with but if it’s him then it is a waste of time.
I will be thinking of you.
of course it hurts. That’s why he did it.
Here’s a big hug for you from all of us. I don’t think I would participate in the meeting myself, but I understand the pressures of small town and business concerns that you mentioned. We’ll be here to help mop up after the appt.
Be intentional about carrying the LIght into the room. Imagine placing a great big ball of it between you and him. Envision your own Light emminating from within yourself and creating a forcefield around yourself.
IN other words stand in your Light. And use the Light around you. They hate the Light. It throws them off their game.
IMO
Dianeoh artemis, i’m sorry.
yes, you should care. we can’t help caring. the secret, IMO, is engaging only to the degree that is safe for us.
make sure you look around the room. plant your feet firmly on the floor. walk them back and forth if you need to.
he has moved on. that must hurt. hopefully that will help you move on. and frankly, someday soon you will count your blessings that you didn’t stay with him. you don’t have kids with him. you didn’t marry him. you didn’t get a disease from him. you didn’t come home to a SWAT team or policeman at the door. you aren’t wondering if he will go to prison. all of these things are very real possibilities with this kind of compulsive behaviour.
just get what you need (closure, wrapping up of logistical details) from the meeting and get out. it is likely you won’t get validation or fairness from the meeting. depends upon the therapist. you may get that from the therapist but won’t likely get anything useful from him.
i don’t mean to be negative. just know that that validation, FairPlay, safety, hope. all that stuff. it comes from within us.
hugs,
lisa
I’ll be thinking of you Artemis. He treated you badly and moved on too quickly… sounds like he was only really in it for what he could GET. Try to view him objectively at your meeting today. How many times does he blame you? How many time does he turn the conversation to himself? You’ve been given an opportunity to break free… run!
You’re a beautiful person who deserves more. Don’t allow him to dim your light!
RainaI’m thinking of you too Artemis. I hope it goes smoothly and isnt traumatic for you and you get what you need. I’m sorry too for the pain you feel. It does hurt and it’s very painful. You’re a gem and keep shining : )
Artemis, this is just too awful for you. Do you really have to do this closure thing with the therapist? I understand wanting to clear some things up, but in terms of emotional survival, it seems like seeing him might just set you back and make the pain even worse. You’ve had a number of days with no contact from him, which is a number of days for time to start doing its healing thing. I’d hate to think of those days wasted. I haven’t read any of the responses yet, so maybe there is something I am missing. I just don’t want more pain added to the unbelievable pain you’re already in. Sending healing thoughts and prayers for you. xoxo
bless you sisters. i do feel i need to do this. i have to give a presentation at his job next friday and want to establish some parameters about how we will talk about each other/the relationship, etc. my suggestion is: “it didn’t work out”. that is all. no no nothing else.
i am heading over there now and am taking you all with me. Diane’s ball of protective light. This from Karen: “Keep your dignity no matter what your heart screams at you.” Lisa’s somatic grounding tips. Watching him objectively as Raina suggested. All of your support and knowing that you will have my back so I can stay strong and melt down later, in a safe space – here.Hey Artemis,
I’m really sorry, how painful. May I ask why and in what context you have to discuss your relationship with people at work? I presume you are informing people that the marriage relationship is ending. Will you still work together?hi.Jenny, we are not married but we work.in the same field and are a well known couple. we are.both individually relatively high profile as well.example of how our paths may cross: I have to give a training at his workplace next friday. he can be vicious. I want to.head that off.if.possible
Well, I hope that he abides by whatever is determined in the meeting. I know you will be strong. He’s a loser. He’s a user AND a loser. You can’t tell your heart what to do, I know, but you can protect your heart. Keep it from him.
Hi Artemis,
I have to be honest and say I am concerned reading your post. I understand you may feel upset and are missing him but please don’t give him the satisfaction of that- he truly doesn’t deserve it. Infact you are putting yourself in a very vulnerable place to want to say goodbyes and set the record straight.
I am afraid setting the record straight won’t happen for you- and forgive me for saying but I think the record will just continue on in the circle it’s already in. Kinda like what Terri said- painting him as the good guy and you as the needy nut.
Please don’t feed his ego. You deserve so much more. You really do, any woman or person does. You really need to see the truth and it seems like you are living in a bit of a fantasy today- do you really miss him? Sorry I don’t mean to be
sounding harsh- I am just scared for you and I don’t want you to have to be hurt anymore.There is no way to end something so traumatic in a peaceable way- if the one responsible cannot get honest. The whole meeting seems like an emotional set up and trigger for you and a feeding to this mans ego.
artemis,
why are you protecting him honey? ‘it just didn’t work out’ is the phrase i use. but ONLY because i have a 10 year old boy to protect. but if i didn’t i would see no reason not to say something like.
‘my x was behaving in ways that do not match my core values. it is actually best for me that we separate, because i want to live an honest life’
of course, that works if that is the way you feel. you may not feel that way yet. but girlfriend, i hope you see that sooner rather than later.
and to be frank, even though i want to protect my son, with people that i am even a little close to, i tell them the second half of what’s above – that i want to live with honesty and integrity, i let them fill in the blanks, people usually really get that without having to know the details, and my son is still safe. people that i’m close to and trust, i’ll tell them more of the truth.
HE is the fucked up one artemis. not you. YOU are the one that needs protecting, not him. his bullshit won’t taint your professional life, it’s his not yours. let him have it, give it all back to him. claim your life back.
if you have to see him in your professional life, hold your head high. hang on to the truth. you can’t control how he behaves, how he treats you. but people will know the truth by how you conduct yourself with them and by how you treat yourself. any amount of therapy sessions and mediations is only worth one 100th of you having inner strength and self respect. i’m not saying you don’t have it, just that the answer to your standing with anyone else in your life lies in you, and nobody else can provide that. and i certainly would not trust an SA with that, especially one who seems to be behaving without regards to your feelings. most SAs i know only care about protecting the OWN reputation. not their partners, and definitely not ther Xs.
just sayin… hope that wasn’t too harsh. just think you’d be better off stepping back from the swamp. way way back. we all are IMO.
Hmm, do your paths *have* to cross, professionally? Could he agree tomorrow- while everyone’s meeting to close the chapter- not to appear in the same place at the same time? If that would make your life easier, it may be worth requesting that boundary in front of the therapist.
I’m afraid I have to agree Artemis. In order for you to move on in your life, you have to sever as many connections to him as you possibly can. I would absolutely NOT say it didn’t work out. I would place the blame squarely on his shoulders and simply say, “I found out to my great dismay and distress that “X” was NOT who he portrayed himself to be. Despite the amount of time and energy I invested, I had no choice but to walk away. Ultimately I am hoping to find a relationship that at least begins with the individuals in it, being who they say they are? It seems to me that honesty about your core values is a rudimentary starting point and X and I did not have that. Now if you don’t mind, I REALLY just want to put the entire sordid affair behind me.” Then leave them to work out what you mean….. 😉
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