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These men were also trusted by the community, by the way. And I left out the former president of the school where I’ve worked for 15 years. I worked directly under him for about 8 years, thought he was one of the best teachers I’d ever known. I watched his own daughter go through his design program, was so impressed by the fondness she had for her father and how much mutual respect they showed. I thought, here’s a truly decent man. One night, he went out with some students and ended up groping a few of them. These were young women, in their twenties, who trusted him completely. I refused to work for him anymore and he was demoted.
Teri thank you for the explanation. I had no idea. And it describes Dan to a T. When I met him it was overload. At the time I was working in the O.R. as a tech and I had to carry a pager at all times. I was on call often and got called back to work or if I was somewhere else in the hospital they would page me. He paged me 4 or 5 times a day with a number that said Iloveyu. Every day. At the time,I thought it was so great as my alcoholic x never did anything like that. Dan just overwhelmed me with “love bombing”. He was at my house every minute. If he paged me or called my phone and I did not respond when I was not in the OR or when he knew I was off he would page or call continually every 5 minutes. He was suffocating but I thought “wow he really cares about me!” I had never had anyone pay that much attention to me and all my friends thought he was soooooo wonderful. They said they were jealous. It’s the boundary thing. You are so right, Teri. Spot on. They have no respect for ANY boundary and they find people who have weak boundaries. They are predators one and all. I never considered myself weak as I have overcome a lot of shit in my life. But I never saw Dan coming. Maybe I am just bitter, but I think that no man is safe anymore. That a human being that I gave my heart and love and trust to could look me in the eye and lie so convincingly and have a secret “double life” had made me a very untrusting individual. I hate that he has done this to me.
Wow, that was an enlightening post for me.
March, Lord I don’t know what to say. I am so sorry that you had to go through so much. I totally understand the trust no man. I, too have had continual abuse from men my whole life. Dan is just an extension of what has always been for me. My therapist says that I have to address what has happened to me at some point. I told her I do NOT want to do that. Ever. I feel like I will shatter into a million pieces and would never recover from it. It might end me. Truly. The pain of what has been done to me over my lifetime is something I have buried and I want to leave it that way.
None of the shit, though, even comes close to discovery with Greg. After so many years, I thought I’d found someone safe and good and real. It is still hard for me to accept that he was capable of such evil.
Taking all this in……….. I appreciate the truthful sharing. It would be good for me to lay out all the abuse in my life. Have never told the whole story to anyone. Have dealt with bits and pieces my entire life.
Sisters we have our work cut out for us. March’s points,are good ones. And, in this age of the internet, men have access to so much. Combine that with them being very good at deceit.
Writing the SA playbook may be an easier task.
I need to keep thinking about what I would want women to be aware of,at,the outset. The EX SA RAT in my life gave me many clues but I just could not comprehend the possibility of such outright and blatant deceit. The concept was completely off my radar.
March’s point that trust needs to be earned is key.
Today is my 55th Birthday so I am going to tackle this another time.
I get your point about the pre-nup, March. But I don’t think I’m up for it. I think I’ll just skip the whole relationship, thank you. I know too many men who have behaved as you have described. I haven’t had as many horrific experiences as you, but I have had my share, including someone I thought I knew well and respected that ended up being a pedophile and molesting his 5 year old step-daughter before committing suicide (he was an assistant DA at the time). I don’t know what the answer is, I’d like to think most men really are decent but I don’t think I’m willing to find out.
I’m back to what my friend’s german grandmother used to say: Men. Don’t trust em with your children or your chickens.
How to approach a relationship with a man:
1. Your trust needs to be earned.
2. What they do is who they are. What they say……..is what they say. So what.
It’s so true. My whole life I trusted everyone. I was naive. Looking back I see how I was used and now it’s hard for me to trust anyone. It’s scary because these kind of people believe their own lies and I would guess most are Sociopaths to be able to do the horrible things they do to others. March it was just one bad man after another and very horrific. Have you ever had any decent men in your life at all?
Me too NAP. I still tend to be that way. In working hard not to be that way, I feel really odd inside to be suspicious of people. Now, my very survival feels like it depends on it. Still have suicidal ideation related to financial collapse. If it ever happens again, I imagine giving up. I don’t have a plan but it is consistently what runs through my head. It feels like it is about not being able to get the energy, after so much hurt, to start over again……proving myself out in the world. I always worked in controversial areas in nursing. I’m tired. I’m done with that.
How to approach a relationship with a man:
3. Do not give your heart or life to another. Keep them for yourself, for life.
4. Alway be prepared to be able to provide for yourself, even if you are in a relationship. I am constantly running the numbers in my head……..for what if?……..
5. Recognize traditional marriage as a patriarchal historical institution that disempowers woman, traps them, harms them, criticizes them and blames them. In short: Marriage is an institution that fosters abuse towards woman and their children………….but sold to us as………._________________________________________.
How many of us bought into it hook, line and sinker?
One. A former student. He designed the cover on my first book. I love him like a son.
And my son, of course.
march, i’m speechless.
i figure – one strike and you are out. no second chances.
i too think it is hard to know for sure, but one think i do know, is how i want to be treated. and the first sign that someone isn’t well… see ya.
i’m hoping that will keep me sane as i try to wrap my head around trusting someone (else) again.
Maybe I will become a lesbian! lol
Actually I will say that even though I have been super hurt……I still one day and not anytime soon- would like to get married and hopefully have more children.
We have to take risks. I still think there are good men out there.
I truly do.Oh I have a good share for you. Before I dated sociopath I dated a very awesome loving man when I was in 21. he was amazing!
Really cool guy. He is getting married now ( I’m strangely jealous)
He was truly a normal loving man and he did not have any sex issues.So I have a hopeful relationship to compare with. Why I ever left the good guy is beyond me. For better looking men? I was so immature!
But atleast these good men exsist.
Desiree- I am writing this in my journal! Or maybe on a big sheet of paper and hanging it up! So true. That’s where I went wrong. Being too trusting and revealing too much of myself. Not making not only men but women too or people in general- earn trust.
And look at actions- not words. That is one area with my ex where things started to not match up over time. If I had been less naive I would have been more clear headed and would have seen the inconstancies.
Half of our children are boys. I do have the great honor of having an amazing brother, BIL who my sister met at the age of 15 and their beautiful children, a step BIL and kids, etc., half of whom are boys. Funny, none of these are from his side of the family. His side, gambling, drugs, suicide, thieves, narcs. Hmmm….
I’m not sure there is any real way to protect yourself. These guys are predators and they are really good at seeking out prey. if I could do it all again (and I wish I could many days) I think the key is to never really let yourself become dependant on any man. Keep your life very full with him only occupying a part of the bigger picture. Find a solid way to earn money, keep your finances in order, foster many deep friendships and hobbies and NEVER move to locations that put women in a down position. That way if they turn out to be sickos, you can just walk away with most of your life intact. It is the starting all over when you have let them become too big a part of your life that is truly daunting….it is the starting all over when it feels too late that really intimidates most of us. I really HATE these guys.
March- no wonder you decided to just stay with the devil you know. 🙁
Kmf that is so true. But how sad it is that we would have to be half in half out. I can’t be that way. That’s probably why I ended up with 2 of the same kind. I seriously need to work on setting boundaries, because it seems that these assholes don’t respect any boundaries. If you set one, they promptly run right over it and you. At least that is my experience. And they don’t think the rules apply to them. Any rules. Like traffic laws,tax laws, rules at work ect ect. Just been my experience.
Bev I like your quote however I just don’t see trust existing in anyway, shape, or form with these guys. They are not trustworthy people in fact in most cases they are the exact opposite of trustworthy, they’re very secretly deceitful and lie and have been doing so most of their lives. I guess my question would be how do we verify trust when trust doesn’t exist in a life with them. Even as a x I do not trust my xh.
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