So many questions…

For my STBX, his family is cover and I am to blame. He wanted to maintain his “Boy Scout” image (how he describes himself), although he doesn’t seem too worried any more since he is having orgies in his apartment. But he is still blaming me and trying to pretend he is a good father to the outside world (which really just involves showing up since he is now gaslighting and emotionally abusing my son who I guess is taking my place in that position).

As far as passwords, my STBX gave me all that, too, with one of my initial discoveries. He just made new secret accounts. But he sure used that he was being transparent by giving me the old, unused ones in therapy, though, to make him look like he was a good guy in recovery and me look unforgiving and suspicious.

Anne,

I’m thinking Theory #2 is right, from my personal experience. He’s already removed the really incriminating evidence from everything he’s turning over and he’s trying to earn brownie points.

Mine gave me what I knew about, sure. Then we did the first disclosure. He told about just a little more, but actually “forgot” to include three of his whores that I already knew about. I watched him manipulate that session like a champ, and my heart sank because my gut said “he is never going to come clean”.

Then I found out about more, including 8g of porn on my laptop, hidden with a special program that destroyed it all as the computer repairman who accidentally found it wiped it off the system. My husband never even mentioned porn in his first disclosure, just his whore “friends” I swear he still calls them that to this day, friends. The CSAT asked him about masturbation to porn at the end of the disclosure session and he said he didn’t think that we were concerned about that.

Couple weeks later we had a second disclosure because he “forgot” to address his porn habit at the first. My husband brought a 140 page document to that disclosure as a snide statement because the CSAT had requested he be more forthcoming. At that session he flipped through and read bits and pieces and dribbled out a little more. I left that session before it was over because I was furious at being played like that, and that a professional counselor would let that happen.

And then a bit later my husband threw those ‘journals” at me and said ‘read them, already.” A hell to read. He was so ugly then, insisting I was trying to make him out to be a monster and he had quit that long ago, and I just needed to accept that it was all out, and over, and I needed to stop and move forward.

A few weeks later I found the active match.com profile of him as divorced.

Then several weeks later, WHILE WE WERE AT A RECOVERY GROUP meeting together, I found the torture porn on my phone. My husband said he “forgot about that being on that SD chip he’d put into my phone “by accident”. Yet he had saved a six years (from the date stamps on the photos and videos) collection of unthinkable violence saved for his masturbating pleasure. I had asked at the polygraph he agreed to take weeks prior to that if he got pleasure from giving or receiving pain and he said “No”. He passed that one.

I just crashed. Had to go on meds to function and sleep. Then by the grace of God an opportunity arose to go back to my old home with my children, he had lost his job to this, and the only one he could get was five states away. He moved on to a job in TX. I moved back to NC. To watch and wait and see what he would do with his new freedom from my watching eyes.

He’s getting worse, there, in the six months we have been apart. Quit his group, only went once to his psychiatrist. Discontinued the meds the psychiatrist gave him against medical orders. Lied to his counselor. Has been locked up, even, at the state psychiatric hospital. At least that’s what he said. We kinda think it was just jail from a whore binge. But who can get all the reality on that man? I really don’t want to try.

Sorry, that line is too stale. From the playbook. I would not believe that from my husband if he had three witnesses standing beside him, a polygraph (he lied and passed it) and a sworn statement (I now know I’ve seen him lie in court). He is just too far gone.

I tend to agree with Bev and Teri, we are their cover, their “real” lives which make their sick lives so much sweeter to them. Without us, they’re just pervs. I mean, just look at the women here. Amazing women. These are the best of the best because isn’t that what they think of themselves as, those SAs? Really? The entitlement is gagging. They will destory everything and everyone for their own prick’s pleasure. If that’s not self-absorbed and entitled, I don’t know what is.

Yeah, they have most of them suffered very real hurts. But when caught, they just dive deeper. If they were so very hurt by these “addictions” they’d be signing THEMSELVES into treatment. Not going because their wives and psychiatrists insisted. Just my opinion.

You are asking the right questions. They come and we all should pay very close attention to our OWN takes on their answers.

Desiree,

Why you just can’t get back on your feet? WE KNOW, these sisters. It’s not what anyone who hasn’t been there can imagine. You take your time and don’t worry at all about their timetable. It’s a grieving process and you are NOT able to push through it and just be alright on their terms and timing.

Love to you

Desiree, it is impossible to explain this shit to anyone. I HATE people to tell me to just ” get over it” etc. I also hate people who read one article on SA and claim expertdom!!

I have pretty much stopped all discussions on this subject with anyone except the sisters. Thank God for JoAnn.

I am so very sorry about your sons. Maybe they can make more sense of it than we can. Maybe they will be like their mother. They have a whole life in front of them. They were raised by you. I bet they are going to be just fine. I hurt for them and the pain this causes them. I have always said I could probably forgive these guys for just hurting their wives but I can`t forgive dragging innocent children into it…