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Karen,
Would you consider a legal separation from your h or would that be too much? If you did, you would have some money and could build your own life more if you choose too. I know your sons health plays an important part. I know your h keeps you financially taken care of now however that sounds like all you get from him while he’s off doing his thing. Care about you and you know what’s best.
Love, NapDear Nap,
My hesitation about separation is the same as divorce. In Canada you can be separated simply by saying you are or writing up a piece of paper yourself indicating you are and of course claiming separated on your taxes. You don’t need a lawyer. I have some experience with that because my parents separated at one point and also a very good friend of mine.The problem with separation is it does exactly that- it separates you from him money and you don’t have a claim to what he acquires during the period of separation. Through a BIG stroke of luck related to his company being absorbed into a company he worked for before, he is now paying into a good pension plan and within 3-4 years he will have something to go after. Not enough to make me or him overly comfortable if we divide it BUT something. Had I walked away after Asia, I would have walked with very little. No pension, no property, no significant savings and a kid needing a kidney. It would have been financial suicide and in my view another way for him to take from me. He knows I do not want a divorce and he knows why. If he were to work another 5 or 6 years he will have a substantial pension that I can lay claim to, as well as some savings. I have wasted my life on this man…I’m not taking the moral high ground now, so that I can feel self righteous in my old age while I scrimp to get by. BUT I am conscious that the days of my life are passing by and I am still too much in limbo. I need to get a plan and get on with it. I’m not blaming him for this part of things. I need to take it in hand and I think I am ready to do it. I think I would feel better about myself and my life. How he will respond when he sees I am not joking …I don’t know. He could quit or retire early or say he is having a break down and cannot work or go live in some third world country where he can hide from Canadian law or who the f–k knows. He is passive aggressive enough and crazy enough to do anything- even to spite himself. Or at the very least, he wants me to think that he would? That may just be manipulation on his part and I may be falling for it. And you are correct, Nap, he gives me money but not much else. He doesn’t interfere in what I do, which I guess is a good thing. It is like I am single anyway.He does, however, expect to be able to hang around me when he has time off so the money doesn’t come without any strings attached. He wants things to return to the status quo and for me to be waiting when he retires…..God Nap, I cannot bear to think that I would allow that to happen. There is a continuously playing track in my head saying “If you stay with him in any context, he gets off scott free on everything and you will have paid with your life.” I don’t think a marriage of convenience is for me even though the alternative doesn’t hold much appeal either. 🙁 Anyway, for the time being, I just don’t feel like speaking to him or dealing with him and thats as far as I am in the big plan…..
Karen xxI don’t think he has gotten of “scott free” at all. He has lost the love of a truly special woman. In my book, that makes him the loser whether he knows it or not.
Keep thinking Karen, you will figure this out. I think you may be too focused on HIS punishment rather than YOUR happiness….
Just an observation….
Joanne – I wish we all had your strength, your clear head, and your ability to plan and protect yourself. You are amazing!
I’m so sorry Larry had to hurt you again to get to this point. You deserve so much happiness, and now you are finally in a position where you can find it. Hoping for you that this awful last chapter with Larry also marks the beginning of a new life, with all the love and blessings you deserve. Thank you for being our inspiration.
Clare
Karen, your situation just goes to show that there is rarely an easy answer to all this. I think we go into survival mode for a long time. I never thought of myself as into money..still not sure what a Coach purse is 🙂 .. but money in terms of survival has become a priority for me in the last year and a half. I barely ever touch my own savings account, and put everything on the credit card (which SA and I have together, but he pays it out of his own checking account.) I’m not contributing anything financially, and there was a time when I would have felt guilty about that, but no more. The farker owes me. So you do what you gotta do to survive, Karen, and I hope your son is doing well. I’d be in a loony bin by now after everything you’ve gone through. xoxo
Dear Bev, I completely understand your point as I have tried hard to live it. I have made most of my decisions based on my own best interests at the time. BUT I am not sure it is now working for me. I feel I may be going against my own principles and that it is somehow impacting my ability to truly be free of this and happy. And he may have lost my love, BUT I am also in a loveless situation so it sort of cancels that out. 😉 IDK. I never thought I would ever stay with a man like that. I never thought I would be in this kind of a situation either. In my wildest dreams, I never thought i would be looking at a marriage of convenience. I am well aware that MANY marriages (ones that do not involve SA or any other horrendous issues) end up exactly that way….as marriages where both partners, without fuss or animosity, live separate lives except for social occasions and do quite fine with it. I don’t know. Maybe I should ship him off to Minwalla. Maybe I should ship myself off to Minwalla. Or I could say “either you go to Minwalla or I don’t want to talk to you.” and then if he doesn’t go I wouldn’t have to talk to him. 😉 or maybe he would come back acting like an other person and totally freak me out. Really. The possibilities are endless….
I’m thankful I have detached. I’m thankful the worst of this is behind me. I’m thankful I am not suicidal or half insane with pain over the jackass. I just wish I felt more like I was living a life I really wanted OR that I knew what that life should look like. Its a “me” problem and I do know that…. Karen xxDear Annie,
My youngest remains in Vancouver DESPITE the fact I wish he was on the opposite coast. he has begun dialysis and does it at home by himself- something I did NOT think he could accomplish. He isn’t doing it through his blood but through his peritoneum so basically he dumps fluid into his abdominal cavity 4 times a day and drains it out. It is a time consuming process but eventually he will switch to a night pump that does 3 of the exchanges through the night when he sleeps and he will do one in the day. he is moving Monday into an apartment with his girlfriend. He is working in a grocery store and she is working in a deli and going to school. He has not had his big acting break yet. 🙂 His health is ok for now and I m cutting the apron strings while he is well. he is going to have to manage his won rent ext. I want him to return to school to get a skill he can actually get some work in but i know better than to talk to a wall. I am going to let life teach him a few hard lessons in the hopes he will see this is not the life he wants longterm. It is diffiucult because he is Adhd, very immature and the worst possible blood type to get a kidney off a list. His older brother is in an exchange program with him for a year but so far no matches. As soon as i am 5 years cancer free I will go into the program as well. I don’t know what his long term chances are so I find it hard to make his life more difficult, but I
don’t want to make him an emotional cripple either. I think he should come home where he has family support, go back to school and pursue acting as a hobby. His girlfriend has other ideas, but she is only 22 so I am using reverse psychology and giving them both enough rope to hang themselves. 😉 I know i have to consider him in everything I decide because he could become completely dependant on me in the future just through illness. For now, he is well and doing his own thing at my expense. 😉 Thank you for asking Annie.Karen, that must be so incredibly stressful for you. I will keep your son in my prayers that a match is found soon. You are a very good mom, to be able to see the need to let him grow more independent. And him having to do dialysis daily.. makes me realize how much I take things for granted, and makes me never want to complain about anything again. But I will, never fear. 🙂 Take care of you. xoxo
Thanks Annie. You are so sweet. I guess I learned a LONG time ago to live in denial about my son’s health and future. I understand fully what he is up against and yes it does tug at my heart strings to know he is “plugged in” daily. 🙁 We both have to live as if there is hope and a future for him or we would both end up quite insane I am sure. He is a little trooper and blessed with the ADHD’s capacity to live completely in the moment. 😉 I suppose you are right though- we can all be thankful for our health. It is a precious gift. I just could never understand my husband’s choice to do what he was doing when he should have been down on his knees thanking God for every day he had with his son….not using his health issues and my distraction as an opportunity for more uninterrupted play time.
JoAnn-This is my first time on the site for a few weeks. I am so sorry to hear what you have been going through, but in a way I am happy that it finally came to an end. After the dust settles, you can live your life to the fullest, and I hope you take full advantage of that. A leopard never changes it’s spots. Steve is still fantasizing about 650# women and Elephant crushing. I thank God every day that I got away from him. You deserve so much happiness, and now you can finally find it. I am just happy you are safe!
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Love to you, SharronKaren, I am “old” and I have probably consumed enough alcohol to make my kidneys a wreck BUT I would absolutely give your son a kidney if i was a match….I would not hesitate. If there is some registry or blood test or anything then I will volunteer.
Joann, I’m so sorry this has happened. I’m sure you are hurting. Even though we steel ourselves to it, their acting out still causes us pain. (I hate that term, “acting out”… It should be “fucking up.”)
Just want you to know the sisters are circling the wagons around you in support. You are such an amazing woman, incredibly gifted and caring.
Be safe and trust that God-given intuition we women have. I hope the coming days are better.
Sending a hug,
KandiceBev, I haven’t told you lately how much I adore you. Can I have your liver please? Karen, you and your son are in my thoughts and prayers. There just has to be a happy ending in all of this.
Long ago I subscribed to the “I’d rather BE a good liver than HAVE a good liver” philosophy. Not sure how that’s working out for me.
I’m not too sure how marketable my own kidney is, Bev. Believe me though….when he gets sick and needs one asap, you will see one desperate mother on here and in the villages of China and India, exploiting some local in ways my husband never even imagined. Of course, I will turn to the Almighty for a miracle first……
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