Some feedback would be great….feel as though I’m sinking….

Karen and Diane…..thank you….I am trying, I have had to dig very deep to find what is in me…I am a RN already and work in ICU – he is also. We no longer work together….that is a blessing. I have decided to apply to med school since I need to focus my mind elsewhere. Away from him. Sadly I still miss the person he professed to be, when it was just me and him I perceived him as my best friend…..I understood him and I thought he understood me….sadly when I found out what he was doing I clung onto that and even after he left and told me to ‘f**k off or he would call the police’ – through an open window at his friends place where he was staying. I still begged him to talk to me. I wanted him to come home. I know it’s messed up but he convinced me that I was imagining it, that he had stopped, when in actual fact he just got better at hiding it. He even went as far as to ‘pocket call me’ and I could hear a conversation between him and another woman about making breakfast…..before the line went dead and also he has befriended all those women he acted out with on Facebook…..I have blocked him. I still feel as though someone as ripped my insides out and stuffed them back in but I am working, taking care of myself, occasionally seeing friends (many have now moved out into the surrounding suburbs and have small children , making it difficult). I do not yet have the confidence to make new friends….but I hope that will come. I remain suspicious of the motives of many, I even question in my mind what my old friends tell me. For example, I was planning to visit a friend overseas a few weeks ago….she called me 2 days before I was due to fly to tell me her mother had passed away. I am ashamed to say that part of me thought she was just saying that because she didnt want to see me. Of course I know that is not true…..and I feel ashamed for thinking that way but that’s how little I trust other people now.

AM, I’m so sorry for what you are going through. Treasure your baby and gain strength from it. I too was pregnant 5 years into the relationship. I really wanted the baby, he didnt. He told me to have a termination and that if I continued with the pregnancy he would leave me. I was so upset by this. Sadly I miscarried. The day after my miscarriage he told me he was going to visit his daughter for the weekend and left me on my own to deal with it. He has a child from a previous ‘relationship’. I should have known then and made him leave. I didn’t. I then had to go to A&E that night as I was so ill. I had to call a friend to be with me. He didnt even come back when I told him I was in casualty. He came back the next evening. And went back to work the next day……he could barely bring himself to ask me how I was. He complained that I hadn’t done laundry and shopping and that he had no food to take to work…..I believe in part that my miscarriage was brought on by stress. He said it happened as we were not strong or stable enough to have a baby. Stay away from him, minimal contact for the sake of your child. I work with the best friend of the mother of my exes baby. She said I look ‘lighter’ since I left and that his baby’s mother only keeps him around so that the child has a father figure…..I was tempted to tell her just what he is like. But I have a feeling she must already know….she never allowed sleep overs or trips to visit us…..in fact I never met the child and the mother didnt know for a long time that I existed, I think she only found out by mistake….he rarely called. And she rarely answered the phone when he did between visits….he said its because she is a control freak…..I now beg to differ…..

Take care D x

Liza, thank you for being outraged on my behalf. When that happened he was drunk, he was angry because I had driven to the pub to pick him up as he was not answering the phone again and I couldn’t face another night of wondering where he was. He got into the car and was so angry I had turned up, when we got home he went to the sofa and I tried to talk to him, he asked me to leave him alone but I was so upset. I didn’t. He then walked to the bedroom and get his bag and started to pack a few things in silence. Stonewalling me. I tried to grab his bag, halfheartedly, he pulled it away from me and head butted me. I ran to the bathroom and realised then that my front tooth had been dislocated. He then immediately calmed down and tried to make me phone the police. I said no, I blamed myself for getting between him and the door and for trying to grab his back to stop him from leaving. I blamed myself. His step father used to lock him in his room and prevent him from leaving, get drunk and abuse the family then hit him with a baseball bat, I knew that by getting between him and the door was wrong, but I didn’t want him to leave, I just wanted him to calm down and see my side of everything. He didnt. He was really ashamed of what he had done, still I blamed myself for pushing him. But in hindsight I should have realised I am not his step father and he knew that but I guess I triggered something in him. I wish he had gotten help. At work he is so caring to his patients, relatives, and other staff…..his potential targets I guess. I just wish he had given some of that concern to me. An ex girlfriend apparently hit him with a frying pan she was so exasperated by him, another tried to commit suicide…..I should have seen the pattern. I know I loved him, my heart breaks when I think of him, but I know that he was unhealthy for me. It doesn’t hurt any the less though.

Liza, it’s just so hard sometimes….I have just finished a run of nights at the hospital….being tired and emotional doesnt help….my job is tough. I’m in a much better place than I was though….whenever I go back to the past in my mind I try to retrain my brain to focus on the future. I am so grateful to have found you all. Your existence makes me feel less alone, less deficient and far less crazy. He used to ignore my calls when he was out with his ‘friends’ from work….and just not come home. I would be frantic, my dad was an alcoholic and he was found dead by the river 3 days after he had been out on a binge. I was traumatised and I just wanted some reassurance that my then boyfriend was ok. He occasionally took cocaine when he was out too and frequent gay bars with the guys from work (I don’t think he was bisexual) but he enjoyed attention from wherever it came. I think half the time it was a cover for what he was really doing. He would say trust me, I’m not doing anything wrong…..why do you need to call me repeatedly. I was just having a drink, I would say well why can’t you just respect me enough to let me know you are staying out….he would answer because you would want to know where I am and what I am doing and offer to come and get me. And say that he didnt have to account to me for his whereabouts. Even went as far as to say that I had turned a drunken beer after nights into a nightmare of stress, and that ruining our time off together was up to me….and that if I was going to be angry with him I ought to just tell him so he could leave….all this before I had got home from work, all this whilst I was trying to concentrate…..luckily I have done my job for a very long time and was never off my game but it was soul destroying. He would say I was unreasonable and I was so embarrassed that I never told anyone…..when in fact if I had then I would have seen that it was not me….perhaps. Other times he would come home and apologise for being selfish and take responsibility and thank me for being so patient. It was crazy making. I never felt safe, I never felt loved. In fact after we broke up he told me that he had never loved me that he stayed so long because he was scared of being alone, that he didnt think he could cope. But once he was away from me he realised that he was infinitely happier and had his life back in his own hands again. Other times he would tell me that he was sad and that he missed me…..

I don’t think so no…..we are nurses …..many male nurses we worked with are gay…..that’s the profession. I just think he liked any attention. He said he was comfortable with his sexuality so going out with them was ok….they are actually good guys, I know them…. To be honest he would go to the opening of an envelope. I think he is lonely and so lacking in self belief that he acted out this way. I remember him telling me that he had been invited over y one of his other colleagues wives for dinner. I think he was just trying to find his place in the world. It’s just sad that he hurt me so much on his way through…..as he said ‘he is being crushed and crushed me on his way through. And that anything good we had has been destroyed by all the negativity’…..well that’s a new word for cybersex sex…..negativity. I know how preposterous this all sounds. Believe me I know

Dear all

I found out yesterday that one of the women, lets call her X (for the sake of anonymity), had passed away the week before when home in Australia. My ex still worked with her. He didnt know that I already knew. He sent a text to me….now this is after he told me more than a month ago never to contact him again and to move on with my life and away from his….I received his text this morning and have had 12 hrs at work to stew over it. All it. Said was ‘X is dead’. No sorry, no thought you should know, no nothing……strange right? Did he merely just want me to know or is he trying to engage me in conversation? Just asking…..don’t worry I haven’t replied. I think without your insights and inspiration I would have replied eagerly, so thank you all again….you just might have saved my life

It has really thrown me that he would contact me at all. After everything he has said and especially the cold callous way he gave me the tragic news…..I just don’t get it, I mean why did he bother? I was bound to hear it from someone else…..in fact luckily I already had….and in a far more sensitive manner

I’m sorry but I responded. He unleashed yet another torrent of abuse at me. I guess I am my own worst enemy. I had contacted his sister though a few weeks ago in a moment of weakness. I told her some of what he had done. I wasn’t looking for revenge. In fact I wanted her to help him where I have failed. He has responded to me angrily threatening me with the police if I go around bad mouthing him, spreading untruths and being malicious and harassing his family. I have always been kind to them. He has walked away with everyone thinking he is great and I am truly left alone with nothing. I’m not sure i can take it anymore. I thought I had come so far

I am seeing a therapist, I thought I was doing well. I told her I was. Intending to tell his sister….everyone thinks he is so great, I wanted her to know so she would help him ….this is what he sent me….
You have crossed the line messaging that to my sister. Any more contact is unwarranted and will be reported. You have crossed the sacred line and It seems you don’t want to stop interjecting yourself in my life. This is not trying to help me. This is trying to destroy my family and my life. This is messaging my sister. The line is blurred to you as you are nursing a bitter inner malice towards me that has you bent on revenge for perceived injustices. You have become nasty, vengeful and now you have involved my family yet again. You didn’t do this for me. You did this for you. It needs to stop one way or the other. I have a life to lead and it won’t tolerate this periodic interruption and cyber-abuse. Stop it or it will be reported as unwarranted harassment.

Bev, I know you are right. I feel such a fool. I put up with too much. More than my heart and my sanity can cope with. I am starting to think I will never be back where I was. The person I used to be…