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Not doing well today. You all know what’s going on so I won’t repeat. I okayed the disclosure list with my atty today and she sent me another bill. He’ll start diverting down into minutiae again and drag me through the mud over and over again…with every penny he has to disclose and the two lawyers will just be messengers, mine will forward me every piece of shit he sends her and ask me to look it over for truthfulness etc and each time it will be triggering. It’s that end of the rope feeling again. For the last year and a half I keep getting close to breakdowns and then pulling myself back. I do not know what else to do and the black hole is pulling me in.
The PTSD is getting really bad. I got some books & a workbook, my shrink is good but not a PTSD expert. I have a total aversion now to “stumbling onto information,” especially on computers and smartphones, like bank accounts, credit card statements etc…they’re all dangerous minefields and the discovery process is triggering that bigtime, as soon as I saw the list from my atty (items he has to disclose), I felt sick all over again: what he’ll reveal, how much he will hide and what will come to light. I understand it’s necessary and it’s holding him accountable. But information has become totally traumatizing to me. What can I do to heal? As an emergency treatment for this battering? What has worked for you?
Xanax. I’m not joking. It saved my life the first year and I still have it for “just in case”. It calmed me so that I could deal with whatever was headed my way. It kept me sane. I highly recommend some sort of anti anxiety medication until you can handle dealing with him with out feeling like you are falling into the black hole.
Arleigh, I get the impression you two have some money (at least wt spends an awful lot). I think you would get a tremendous amount of help dealing with your new reality if you went to the 6 Day Partner Intensive. Just my opinion, but you seem so stuck and sad. It would be the best money you could spend on yourself right now. Again just my 2 cents.I agree with Trish. Xanax and go see Minwalla.
That being said, I would add that you need to find your anger. Anger gets a bad wrap. Tap into it and the strength will come to deal with the whole awful divorce process. I’m not talking about the “oh he did this and that and then some more” anger. I’m talking about the real anger… The ” okay you son of a bitch, you want to play? Game on morherfucker” anger.
Some won’t agree with that advice but it’s dead on accurate. Get mad Arleigh. Get really mad. Stomp every other emotion way down and let anger run the show for awhile.
“Usually when people are sad, they don’t do anything. They just cry over their condition. But when they get angry, they bring about a change.” ~ Malcolm X
I would agree there is healthy anger and it brings motivation, momentum, and change. However if PTSD is present, it’s hard to feel anything except a crippling fear and a primitive sense of being in a holding pattern, for self protection. Kinda like what small animals do when they are threatend, they just freeze up and don’t move. And that’s what happens in our mind. The littlest of tasks can become overwhelming and or triggering. It’s very difficult to live and function with. I think seeking out help with emdr may help however throw going through a divorce on top of it all (a very stressful prolonged event) can really exacerbate symptoms. Then functioning at work and having to work in the same department with associated collegues and students would be draining and triggering to the mind too.
I took 2 clonazapam a day (am and pm) and Lunesta to sleep during my divorce and now just take a half am and pm and no Lunesta. I sleep ok on my own now.
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