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As some of you might know/remember, I’ve come to the conclusion recently that I can’t stay with my h. The images are too ingrained in my mind. The choice he made to continue his behavior and slam me with a second d-day are unforgiveable. Well, when I came to this conclusion, I felt an almost-immediate sense of relief: no more anxiety about whether he’s acting out or not! I’VE chosen! I won’t have to live that way. Even though I know I have to plan for divorce, and it might not be in the next few weeks or months, I finally felt empowered.
In the past couple of weeks, however, the grief has hit me like a tidal wave. I was talking to SL about it, and she helped me understand how the grief is so normal following the clarity I’ve reached. Still, it sucks. I’m on an antidepressant; I don’t think I need more. It’s just good old fashioned grief. I really did ( and still do?) love my husband. Well, I love him AND hate him. But right now it’s hard to imagine this pain ending. And I realize our choices just suck: to live with the rollercoaster of emotions that comes with the hope of recovery, to live by turning your head the other way (which isn’t as easy as it sounds if you love someone), or to leave feeling possibly heartbroken (or at best, going through the shit storm of divorce, even if you aren’t heart-broken.) It just isn’t fair. I know life isn’t fair. I don’t even think there are any answers, I just needed to vent. Ahhh…that feels a little better, knowing I have some amazing sisters reading my words and relating to them, even if just a little. Thank you for indulging me…I don’t know what I’d do without you all!! XOXOXO!!!!Oh Julie, I wish I had a magic wand to take away your pain and make things go back to the way they SHOULD have been for you. All I can say is I’m so very sorry you’re suffering so. Love, Liza
ZG,
You are right, none of these choices are easy and it does really suck and life is unfair at times. In addition to what SL said, there is an emotional divorce we go through besides the actual divorce. Also mixed feelings are so normal especially when love is involved. And, it’s okay to change yourind if you choose and since there is no rush; you can ‘wear’ your decision and see how it feels over time. I’m just throwing out my thoughts because there is no right or wrong way, it’s your way. You sound like a really grounded person to me and I know you have given your life much thought. Breath in courage and exhale fear, and you’ll be fine, I know ZG.
Much love and respect, NapI am feeling your grief and wish I could offer something more than words….you are such a strong and amazing woman. Sending you lots of warm fuzzy vibes.
ZG,
Your description describes exactly how I have felt through this awful process. Knowing you have a lot of company in all this doesn’t take away the pain, but maybe it will help to know others share your heartbreak.SA does something awful to a marriage relationship. I know some of the SOS group have been able to stay. I do respect that choice. After multiple D-days, countless ultimatums and promises, ongoing lies to cover up the continued activity, continuing a relationship with trust was impossible for me. Yet you said it so well. The grief and heartbreak was consuming. Now it is just sadness and some anger, and guardedness. I guess I am saying that as you move through all of this, in time the pain shifts, the emotions reshape. You always sound so strong, so self-assured. You will make it through. Take your time. You’ll know when you need to take action.
Why is it that writing about the sadness helps?
Nap, I love this: “Breathe in courage and exhale fear.” I think I’ll put it on a t-shirt! Hope today is better Julie. Sunny, I’m so sorry for your pain and sadness. Love to all of you, Liza
Thanks for your moral support, ladies. Again, I feel so thankful for you all. NAP, I loved what you wrote also. I’m so amazed that you all see me as strong/grounded. I see myself as a crying, scared mess these days. But, Liza, today was better–not fabulous, but better. And I think I do need to remember to just get through each day; they’re not all the same.
Love to all of you too!!Sunny said, the pain shifts, the emotions reshape. Excellent point. I suppose thats why we call it a process.
In my experience, clarity came with a price – the sadness and grief you are describing, Jules. I’m pretty sure it happens to each of us at one time or another! (staying OR going!) For me, the pain and suffering was worth it. Had I stayed, I was sentencing myself to a lifetime of pain and suffering and I had felt enough of that to last forever. 🙁 As we always say, our choices really suck. The rock and a hard place thing. Sigh…
Once I realized that the clarity pain would be temporary and the staying pain would be permanent, it helped make my choice. You will know when the time is right. Keep posting and sharing… You help the rest of us as much as you help yourself. When you are feeling blue, send me a memo filled with memories of our retreat last Fall. 🙂 That always encourages laughter and works like a charm! (No, not a LUCKY charm)….yuk! (LOL)
PS- for those who don’t know- my ex husbands “code name” on his single sites and secret email is “lucky charms”.
Gag me.
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