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Hello sisters, I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season. I’m sorry I haven’t been on lately.
Brief update on me: I have never felt worse. This “thing/statue/robot/breathing pile of shit” I married has continued to make my life miserable, and so has his family. I’m not going to deny that there have been several times in the past month or so where I have felt no hope to carry on, and feel as if my poor little one is doomed to a tragic life due to the fact that her sperm donor is such a monster. I have slowly been trying to save money in order to get the hell out of this situation, but it’s taking time, especially with this economy. I was able to enjoy Thanksgiving and Christmas a bit since he was working {I think..who knows..that’s what he claims} and although it’s exhausting to do everything alone with a 2 year old it’s better than doing it next to a soulless statue whom you consider to be the rapist of your life.
As time goes on, I’m realizing his problems stem deeper than just flat out perversion, addiction, or NPD. This guy is a void. Seriously, there’s nothing there. He’s just a walking mound of flesh with nothing to offer the world aside from his hairy pecker. The gates are down; the lights are flashing; but the train is never coming.
Living with him is maddening. I tried throwing him out and the cops broke my locks to let him back in. According to law, unless he is physically harming me or my daughter he has every right to come and go as he pleases. He contested the separation. And believe me, NONE of this is because he loves me or this child; it’s because he has no money and nowhere to go. Down to the bitter end this jackass is selfish.
He ruins my every day, my every thought, my EVERYTHING. Luckily he’s gone a lot, but when he’s here, it’s very hard to ignore him completely when we share 800 sq feet and he lives on the couch.
A few weeks ago, I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. It’s not because I am still so wounded by all the horrible and disgusting things he has done to me {and continues to do}..it’s because I feel so trapped and isolated and hopeless..the only advice I get from people is to treat is as a “marriage of convenience” until the economy gets better and I can get back on my feet. But what is “convenient” about living with a person who steals my money…lies 24/7…tries to “drive me crazy” and video it so he can plead I’m insane…and reminds me every day of the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life.
Sorry for the rant. As usual, my little one is crawling all over me. She has become a clingy and needy little girl with no social skills outside the home. I seriously believe it’s because of the total isolation we are in, and the hostile environment her loving sperm donor has created for her. {and yes, being she was an IVF baby he literally was a sperm donor, as he did nothing more than watch his homemade hooker porn to jack off into a cup}.
I miss my son also. I hope he’s looking out for his twin sister here on Earth, because I feel as if she needs a guardian angelHi Hurtheart,
Thanks for the courage to just tell us it’s stinking hard right now. I hope it helped to just send it out there. I understand it can feel crummy to post if you can’t say anything different form the last time. But bravo for hanging in there, and for trying to save some money along the way. I really believe everytime we invest something in the future we want for ourselves and our children, it gets multiplied in power. So I’m focussing on you right now and adding a little Light to your own. I know our sisters will do the same.
In the meantime you have to beat him at this waiting game. YOu have to. His number will be up one day. YOu WILL get rid of him. You WILL have the money to start over. Your daughter WILL recover any socializing time she’s losing now. With your constant love, she generates her own resilience.
I wish with all my heart I could increase your own resilience. I can only take your hand for a while here, and tell you that you and your daughter are worth it. Don’t you give up. Keep your life pointed in the direction you want. You will get there.
with lots of love,
Diane.Hurtheart, I add my light to that Diane brings you. I can’t add much to her post but your pain is shared and if only we could halve it in that. You must hang on in there for your beautiful precious angel… She will thrive in your love and tender care when this nightmare is over. And it will be one day x
Sending you all the positive energy I can today. You are doing the best you can, and even though it seems slow, you’re making progress. Smile at your lovely little one, and laugh with her. Even if it’s forced, it will make you both feel better.
Thank you guys for your kind words and for all the positive energy you’re sending me. I’m sorry to be such a bummer but these are my true, raw feelings and quite frankly, I have nobody in real life who completely understands..and those that do understand at least a little bit are pretty much tired of listening to it {plus I especially didn’t want to ruin their holidays…}
Hi again, Hurtheart,
just checking in in these crazy days.
I wondered if you have talked to a women’s shelter or support helpline. I don’t know about your area etc, but sometimes there are people with real practical knowledge about resources and options for abused women. And it sure sounds like abuse to me—emotional and psychological abuse. Occasionally shelters and agencies here in Canada have legal resources available to them. It may be true in your area, I don’t know. Just finding out your rights and options might help you to feel less trapped for now.I have no idea how long he will stay on the couch. I can’t imagine he’s going to be happy with that forever. He may find someone else. I know that just makes him another woman’s problem, but it would give you some space.
Just wanted you to know I didn’t forget you in your ugly situation, and the effort it takes you to keep going. Please don’t give up. And I know it must be unbelievably hard to think about your son, your daughter’s twin, who left this life too soon. I believe his light and life are safe, and yes, he could be your daughter’s special angel. I hope we can be your special angels.
love to you,
Diane.
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