Stages of Betrayal and Healing

This took me down, sisters. The whole thing was so real and had me wailing in anger and pain for us all. Had to go to bed with Xanax. Awake again, for a moment. Just wanted to check in. I’ll edit and revamp my list tomorrow, probably, if I can face it again. I will, it’s important.

What a hellstorm we’ve been through. I don’t know how you do it, or I do it: reach out with the truth from such a damaged state; but I am really, really grateful for your sharing, everyone. It does help me process so much faster, when I recognize and empathize with you all. It’s a horrible thing to have to share, but sharing makes it seem so much less oppressive for me. Yeah I know, meds and bed doesn’t seem so, but you should have seen me BEFORE! Best you didn’t.

I can’t wait to read the poems, too. The idea of a poetry workshop for trauma is so powerful. One of my counselors led art therapy for trauma victims of sexual abuse. She was very supportive when I was throwing my soul onto a canvas in the huge “awful” piece. I couldn’t even come to sessions, but she kept me going on that until I could talk. Wise beautiful woman.

Such an incredible amount of talent. Sisters you are a Godsend.

Here’s the revised list. Thank you all for your contributions. My categorizations are completely up for suggestions, too.

LYNN’s Stages of Betrayal and Healing of SA Partners:

Shock

Denial
– disbelief

Disorientation
– time displacement
– loss of ability to place things chronologically
– questioning reality

Disintegration of self
– inability to make decisions
– Self blame
– shame by association
– Loss of self-esteem
feeling flawed
feeling ugly
feeling worthless
Imagining you are non-existent/invisible/nothing
Feeling you have been disposable/replaceable/used
– radical changes to appearance

Terror
– hypervigilence
– feelings of violation
– feelings of contamination
– fear of going or being insane
– nightmares and night terrors

Bargaining
– Pleading with God
– negotiating with SA

Sorrow
– inconsolable grief
– uncontrollable crying
– agony
– regret
– loss of innocence
– loss of carefully determined life plans

Recognition (of events that now make sense, lies that you missed)

Depression
– Physical symptoms
insomnia
hair loss
blood pressure changes
thyroid
weight changes
physical pain
– hoplessness
– confusion
– social difficulties
isolation by fear of judgment or pity of others
loss of friendships
estrangement from family

Desperation
– Identity crisis
– fear of future without resources
– fear of capacity to start over in this state of trauma
– Anxiety
constant fear of being triggered with PTSD
walking on eggshells to avoid triggering SA
constantly anticipating next occurrence of SA behavior

Outrage
– injustice
– frustration
– self destruction
– revenge

Exhaustion
– emotional – withdrawl, dissociation
– psychological – psychic breaks
– physiological – systemic failures, hospitalization

Reorganization
– redefining personal boundaries
– determination of SAs role in future plans
– Defining life purposes
– conceptualizing being self reliant
– creativity surfaces as an important coping skill
– reaching out to others

Release through either detachment or divorce/separation
– behavior of SA is no longer central to daily experience

Rebuild – rebirth
– actively seeking personal growth
– personal sustainability
– healthy relationships with self and others

Or a cushion for patio furniture in honor of Bev!!

One brain fog, coming up.

Diane,

I did not mean to ignore your comment.

Like the stages of grief, these are not necessarily sequential or individual.

As we all know, they are able to flow through us like water, and either vaporize, pool, or freeze. Not a clinical description, obviously. And there can be several at once, or just the “fog”.

I have decided to adequately portray that I need a graphics program to shade over everything with a light grey boldfaced 72 pt ‘brianfog’. I will do it in the book.

Not anything the clinical world will like, but a picture is worth a thousand words.

Teri, you are wise to acknowledge it. The stress and trauma can short circuit our critical thinking. That is another reason why I love this site, between us all, we have a vision through the fog. One step at a time.