Stages of Betrayal and Healing

I can remember the old days – My brain just wouldn’t work. I was in a fog most of the time, in fact I thought I was getting Alzheimer’s. When my brain was on sensory overload I could not navigate even the simple tasks to get through the day.
I guess that is why I am such an advocate to those of us who have no hope to cut our losses and run. (Nothing like a reformed spouse of an SA).
Once my mind cleared and I was able to make an informed decision on what I wanted to do with my life, I would read posts and hurt so badly for you all. Kinda like a parent- (I’m 70-guess it fits) I guess- just not wanting you all to go through what I did. All the pain, trauma, drama of it all is so not worth it. It is like a reformed smoker-once we quite, we think everyone else should follow suit and quit.
I just want to yell to the mountain tops- Run you all. You are putting yourselves through so much unnecessary trauma, and when it is all said and done, you will probably make the same decision I did, and a lot of you are. Hoorah!
Love you all.

Looking good, Lynn. I will also add, from my experience…

Early on — especially:

Shattered sense of safety/security
Changed view of the world
Distrust of everyone – especially men
Sense of having no personal identity
Overwhelmed by life
Ruminating – was always thinking about sex addiction
Feeling very alone – I thought I was the only person in the entire world this had happened to. That improved once I found and connected with other partners
Sexually inadequate
Hatred for my own body
Feeling permanently damaged

Another reason I’ve sometimes isolated is due to feeling dread about having to explain things to other people, like relatives wondering what happened, fear of them misunderstanding.

Terror stage, for me, was also due to the sudden unknown identity of my SA – is he a serial killer? a child molester? will he stab me in the night? The realization of living with an utter stranger who is capable of anything.

I think more PTSD symptoms need to be included too. For me, it majorly overtook my life for 14 months. Lived and breathed it every day and night, quite severely. There were times I prayed to die to escape it. So much suffering and pain, and triggered everywhere. I suppose it can be a little confusing to categorize everything as well, because things can overlap with other areas, like depression symptoms (eg. sleep disturbances, detachment, loss of interest etc).

Hallmark Symptoms of PTSD:

Reliving / Re-experiencing
– Intrusive images, thoughts, perceptions
– Flashbacks
– Nightmares
– Intense distress when exposed to reminders of the trauma
– Physiological reactivity on exposure to reminders (eg. increased heart rate, sweating, rapid breathing)

Avoidance and Numbing
– Avoiding thoughts, feelings, memories, conversations associated with the trauma
– Avoiding activities, people, places, situations that cause recollections of the trauma
– Difficulty recalling important parts of the trauma (dissociative amnesia)
– Loss of interest or participation in significant activities
– Feelings of detachment or estrangement from others
– Restricted range of emotions
– Sense of foreshortened future – as though life may be cut short

Increased Arousal
– Difficulty falling or staying asleep
– Irritability or outbursts of anger
– Difficulty concentrating and focusing
– Hypervigilence
– Exaggerated startle response

Not everyone will experience all of those. PTSD manifests itself differently in everyone.

Through this entire experience, I think we get a deeper understanding about life. We see and become aware of what’s truly important. It’s one thing that I do value that’s come out of this trauma.

Good call Liza

Very helpful

Holy cow, we’ve done so much work. So much work.
When I went to the Body Talk practioner, she stopped the process to say tell me “you’ve done a lot of work already”. And it felt so good to hear someone recognize it. So….let’s recognize it when we pull up these old threads!

Discovery was recent for me. Thus far, it has been shock, denial, inconsolable grief, fear, sorrow and anger. Acceptance (that the relationship/partner I thought I had doesn’t exist) comes and goes.

I will admit that early on, I was so self conscious about my body, and my sexuality. I even took a mirror and examined my vagina. Yep, I became insecure of my own vag. I wanted a skinny 21 year old vagina again. lol.
I look back now, and realize what a sad state I was in. 🙁

I hear you, SD. Too many of us can relate, Desiree. We were failed by “experts” and our symptoms ignored on so many levels. Yes, there’s serious implications from this. I understand how you are feeling.