- This topic has 105 replies, 33 voices, and was last updated 12 years, 4 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
Deb,
“I was just staying in touch with friends” was #1 in the beginning with my STBXSAH. Friends were 8 whores
They (whores) care about the girls (his daughters) and they asked me to keep them up to date on how they are, they would be worried if I didn’t call.
“I only kept those options open because I didn’t trust you” (First, you don’t have to keep options open with whores, they just take the money from anyone, its’ not a club. Second how is my lack of trustworthiness responsible for a habit you’ve had for 40 years? You’ve known me 2 years.)
Then, after Dday it was “You have threatened to leave me, so what’s the use?” Damn right I did, but you did the crap BEFORE that, remember?
“Facebook doesnt’ use the internet, not the part I’m using, I was just using the email portion because my aunt sent me family pics that way.”
“I do not have a new phone with internat capability and you need to stop accusing me and start appreciating everything I am sacrificing for this family and you.” (After he sent me a text with an “accidental” photo of him in his underwear (strategically parted) dated stamped with the logo “iPhone” and he left with a Droid. Well, it could have been the whore’s phone they took that photo and sent it out with, actually.)
“I told her not to call” (His favorite whore, his soul mate, and then called an emailed her 54 times afterwards)
“I’ve made up my mind, it’s you I want and I don’t need other options now.” (WTF?! 18 months into our marriage, and the DDay and all that hell, and NOW you know you want me? Too bad bucko.)
OK – now Jos and Lynn’s STBXH’s are neck in neck. Come on Teri – I know you have more up your sleeve!
I was just trying to wipe out the CL ads that you found on your phone so they wouldn’t upset you anymore.
Cutting and pasting these from Teri:
“I am not responsible for your emotions.” (this one with the help of a trained professional–therapist that is)
“You are critical and controlling.”
“You need to take responsibility for your part of the problem.”
“Nothing I do will ever be good enough for you.”
“You’ll never trust me again no matter what I do.” (keep in mind I had multiple discoveries and trusted him each time!)and this one from March “I dont feel safe in this relationship”
Okay, now I am ready to puke! 🙂– You are abusive
– You need help
– I can see now you drove your exhusband away, that’s why he cheated, just like you’re doing meZoey–it is the context that makes them delusional. If we were to turn to them and say these phrases, it would be sane and rational. What’s nuts is that they deceive, abuse and act out both directly and passive aggressively–all while most of us are going to therapy and actually looking at ourselves, doing research and basically banging our heads against a wall trying to communicate and work on THEIR problem. Only to have them blame us and criticize our efforts to help them and our relationships.
Well none of the stuff I tried may have been helpful, but I gave it an earnest, hell a gallant effort!
So on our side of the marriage you have this effort to work on the relationship and deal with the crap of SA and on the other side you have avoidance, denial, continual acting out, fucking strangers, lying and mind games. Yet, somehow we are to blame? Like you said–delusional. So why the hell do we ever buy it? For even one second? 🙁If it helps any, my H swears he was lying to himself and he was completely delusional. I credit Dr. Minwalla with whatever breakthrough DA has had.
I don’t know…I think there are the BS phrases they use before discovery and the BS phrases they use after discovery…the latter they learn in treatment IMO.
For me…watching or listening…makes no difference? Would still mean my focus was on what he is or isn’t doing. I know my focus should be me and how the Hell I can fix my life…or what is left of it. My h has also done the old 180 thing. I don’t care. I don’t trust him. I know everything he does is about him…. no matter what his actions are. I respect your right to take a more compassionate view, Bev. Just be careful. Karen xx
karen,
i agree with you on the BS recovery phrases. i can’t shake the terrifying feeling that my DA just has a new secret life, a new set of delusions. he traded one tilted existence for another. frankly life with a SA in recovery sucks.
dreaming of another life…
Thats my thought Lisa. I just don’t think human beings can change like the flip of a switch. To me they simply swap out one false self for another. None of it rings true. It is like watching a play that stars your husband. Karen xx
You may be ( and probably are) correct. I have 2 reasons for watching carefully. The first is my children. If this new found self can be a better father then I support it for them. Second, I spoke to another sister on the phone about the ability to change. She truly believes it because she was ( is) an alcoholic. She said that being raised in a truly dysfunctional family made her unable to be intimate with anyone and she turned to alcohol to mask any feelings because she had no clue how to handle a real feeling. She mentioned that growing up she was always in a state of “survival” mode. I am not comparing the 2 “addictions” . Most of you know that I do NOT believe that sex is an addiction. I have been running things past her that my H says or does to get her take on the sincerity scale. Make no mistake though, I am a LOOOOOOOONG way from committing to the marriage. I am just observing and reporting what I see.
Absolutely watch what they do- but then, that’s part of the problem. They HIDE what they do.
I got 6+ years of platitudes and all the fake recovery lines. My favorite. “I’m sorry you have to hurt like that.” Excuse me? I would not HAVE to hurt like that if you weren’t such as AH.
It is really bone chilling to read the recovery books and realize your SA is reciting them word for word to you. All the things that “should be said”. In the beginning my STBXSAH would say, “You need to hear …. from me” and other “This is what you need right now” comments. I listend with mild amusement until it got to be an onslaught of obviously co-dependent related bullshit. Then I asked him how he knew I needed all this stuff, if we weren’t talking. He said “because Jim (his counselor) or Jack (his recovery group facilitator) etc. said so” and it was so blasted sickening. He was NOT going to ever address me as a person, or my pain, or my needs. Not in a million years. The few times I told him what I needed, he actually argued with me about it, trying to convince me the books knew what I needed from him, and he was doing all that homework so I should be ‘all better now’ and basically shut the fuc( up.
It was such a dead end. I am not the one who needs to get “better”. and doing homework is not going to change your behavior one iota, if your purpose in doing it is so you can show your wife and shut her up because you’ve paid your dues.
Not to say someone’s SAH couldn’t actually do it with heartfelt intent. Mine did it for the brownie pts. When he realized it wasn’t working. When he moved to Texas and there was nobody to show it to, he quit.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.