- This topic has 105 replies, 33 voices, and was last updated 12 years, 4 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
I made a boundary about speaking to me using “therapy speak”. It is not allowed. I won`t listen if I detect one word of that BS. Nothing is more infuriating…insulting….condescending…patronizing….
Talk like a real person or STFU
Also, it can be heartfelt at the beginning ( I compare it to the fervor of born again Christians….I am Christian so I am not poking fun). The problem lies in “will it last”? And….The biggie…..Is it good enough?
is it good enough. exactly. that is my question. andi’m almost positive i have the definitive answer.
my gut is telling me the answer. and i’m going to listen this time.
the gas lighting and the therapeutic process can make it so that we continue to question ourselves.
but we can remember that we are IN it. we see our partners like no one else does (unfortunately) and our bodies, our very cells know the answers, positive or negative. no one else, including our partners, can give us the answer to the question:
is it good enough.
we just need to trust ourselves. and sometimes that takes time, so we can take all the time we need.
When others talk about the “canned phrases” that these guys use it raises the hair on my back. For me it is validation to my experience to read that others have heard the same responses.
The fact that these guys recite some of the same lines, especially after they have been in some kind of treatment or counseling makes me worry about what they are learning. Or is it the receptors in their brains that filter what they need to be learning in a warped way?
I have heard so many of the ones that some of you have listed. Adding to those for me are:
“Yes, I did some things that were unacceptable, but YOU aren’t that great either.”
“When are you going to admit to your contribution to this problem?”
“You can’t punish me for ever.” (In response to my tears. My tears were meant for punishment, not the fact that I was in pain and sadness.)
“I am not responsible for your happiness.”
“I am not responsible for your feelings.”
“You have anger management issues.”
“When are you going to get help for your problems?”
“Did it ever occur to you that I wanted you to find out? Maybe I was asking for help?”
“I did not touch her breast, she brought my hand to them.”
“I don’t remember!… Well, Maybe she touched my penis…”
“I don’t remember! ….Well, maybe we kissed…”
“It was in an authentic business location, I did not know that they were going to do that…”
“I was looking for a massage, that is all…..”
barf……………….
Oh, my God. I just found this post (because someone else posted a link to it). It is so, so helpful. So eye opening. JoAnn, I bet if you compiled a list of what the SAs say, and posted it on the public site, it would help a lot more women find and sign up for this site. Because it’s the same things, over and over. They are actually believable when your partner tells you them, but seeing them in black and white, written by other women who have been told the same BS, well, that just takes away a lot of the power of the words to wound us and destroy our sense of selves. Wow, this is a powerful thread.
Here are some of mine, for what it’s worth:
“I hope some day you can get past this.”
“I’m sorry you’re stuck living in the past, and want to examine this all the time.”
“You ask too many questions.”
“I would never invade your privacy by asking questions like that” (Talking about a question like, “how are you doing today?” Although he would fuck a diseased whore and lie to me about it — that’s not invasive at all!)
“Why can’t you just move on?”
“I was not going to the strip club for any sexual purpose”
“No, I don’t think so” – in response to my questions about whether he was at a strip club last night or today. This is his canned response every day. Who the fuck doesn’t remember that sort of thing?
“You’re just a prude”
“I never masturbate — that’s kid stuff” (Yeah, right.)
“We are dysfunctional because we don’t communicate well.”
“I hate talking about relationship shit.”I could go on and on
“I didn’t know that you would be upset by that.”
“I didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I don’t want to be accountable to you or anyone else!” — truer words were never spoken… 🙁“She’s a nice girl” — speaking of his stripper “friend” that he has been in communication with for years. I’m sorry, but I say the definition of “nice girl” excludes whores who take their clothes off for money.
You are over-reacting.
I’m taking responsibility for my part- you never take responsibility for yours.
You always blame me.
You always need some to blame.
You are too controlling. You have control issues.
You have trust issues.
You have abandonment issues.
Teri – those things are exactly what my SA says. All the time. I’ve been noticing how frequently he uses these “always” and “never” statements. I think that’s part of the abuse, or at least part of the all or nothing thinking that allows them to do what they do.
march – The repetition is helping me. I’ve heard this BS from him so many times, for so many years, that part of me has internalized it and believes it. Hearing the BS from the mouths of the sisters is empowering somehow. I want to read this over and over!
Mine are fresh from the forensic pysch eval. I got to hear the same old broken record from the evaluator’s mouth and answer them. Please, God, let it be the last time I ever have to defend myself from this BS, because really the only thing to do is walk away. I suppose I will get to hear them all again in the deposition?
Anony, I just meant in this same thread. I didn’t go back to previous pages to see if the anger thing had been covered, but I’m sure it was one of the first mentioned.
Yeah, I know, March. 🙂 I saw that some of the same lines were repeated in this same thread. I meant that even the repetition within the thread is helpful to me. It may just be because I’m in the throes of a serious shock (psychotic?) episode from my latest discovery this morning, and can’t hold two thoughts together at all, or one thought for more than a few seconds, but reading the same BS lines from our SAs, over and over, really helped reinforce some things for me. Like, maybe I’m not crazy. Just maybe I’m not.
Today I feel crazy for sure. I am shaking so badly I have to keep going back and retype over and over.
I never touched her!
you have to live in the present, I’m not lying now!
I said I was sorry !
is nothing sacred to you? (because of my investigate ways)
I fucked up okay?
I stopped!
I promise!Deb, thanks for sharing that. You reminded me of another one: “I already apologized for that.” And “I wish you would stop rubbing my face in shit” (when I am crying in pain)
Deb, I love “is nothing sacred to you” I haven’t heard that one, myself, but it is just so hypocritical that I had to comment on it. I assume he was talking about things like his email accounts being “sacred.” Whereas marriage vows, that’s a different story, right? How about the trust that your love was supposedly based on? Or family?
Nope, none of that. But a fake email account, now, THAT’S sacred!
anony, yes, the “sacred” comment came when I found all the emails to women and pics of them in his phone under a secret email account..
My bad 😉
It is amazing how their comments are all the same.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.