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yes march, that is the truly creepy thing about these goys. people who haven’t been exposed to them would never believe it.
either the same personality disorders, or the same damage done to the brain. or both.
thats why this site is so great, the sisters with experience know EXACTLY whats going on.
Here’s one I found reading the very old posts on this site just a minute ago:
“Do not expect everyone to be as candid and talkative as you. Iām not.” – That’s what mine says!
And he says, “I’m just not as open about stuff as you.” You could fuckin say that again!And, “I think most people have more superficial relationships than you want.” Ha. Most strippers and prostitutes, for sure.
Grrrrr
I just want to point out that we shouldn’t talk to them if we don’t want to hear this kind of thing. Trust me. These men have NOTHING to say. YOu would be better advised to have a deep, tearful conversation with a wall. the wall would be more empathetic. The ONLY talk these guys understand is the talk where you say nothing, pack your bag and walk out the door. Once you do that…you have their undivided attention.Everything else is just “round and round the mulberry bush”. They completely get off on denying you the information you want, lying to your face and watching you twist yourself inside out trying to get your needs met. They all say EXACTLY the same things, they all play EXACTLY the same games and they all do EXACTLY the same things….even though sometimes it seems they are different. They are not different because collectively they all lie, hurt and betray their wives. Therefore, they are all cut from the same cloth. They all do the same thing….follow the same pattern. And so do we? Until we don’t anymore. Who cares what they say. EVER.
Karen xxOh, Karen, thank you for saying that so clearly. You did it again: gave me a voice of reason and truth and a dose of reality that I so need right now. Thank you.
The thing that really gets me is that I don’t bring this shit up, almost ever, to him. But HE does, and he pushes and pushes and it’s so hard not to respond when all this crap has been bottled up inside me. And then he says “these talks” are the problem with our relationship, and I’m always bringing stuff up. Even when I know I said nothing at all. It is maddening.
But I am learning that this is their way. And I will learn, dammit, and I will evolve!
Karen is exactly right. They differ in stages and degree and money and intellect but they are the same animal.
If he brings it up. Walk away.
All of your advice makes so much more sense than what I have been doing. And it’s so simple, sometimes, that I don’t know whether to laugh or to cry. If he brings it up, “walk away.” Those two words are so profound.
God, I wish I had found this site and figured out his BS five years ago.
It’s not simple. It is painfully earned advice. You are trying to navigate a “normal” relationship using normal techniques. This is not normal.
I learned the hard way.
Oh, Bev, I didn’t mean it in a negative way. I meant more that it was elegant in its simplicity. Such a different solution than any I’ve thought of, but, once I heard it, I couldn’t help but wonder why I hadn’t thought of that. To walk away would be to step right out of the paradigm we’ve been communicating in, to remove myself, literally, from the toxic hell of our interactions. It is perfect, and I am so sorry that you had to learn it the hard way, but so glad that you are willing and able to share your knowledge and wisdom with me!
It’s ok sweetie! I just wanted to point out that we all keep trying to act normal and that’s the curve ball š
Dear Anony,
It isn’t simple and Bev is right. We learned the hard way-beating our head off them instead of the wall. The wall is the saner option, honey. You canot talk to them because they don’t want to talk. THEY DON’T WANT TO TALK. Why? Because they don’t want to resolve anything. They want to f–k other women, hang around strippers, hang around parking lots or whatever it is they are into. You are the only one who wants to talk or resolve anything. Once you accept that the other person has no interest in your welfare or your feelings you begin to learn new ways to cope. You stop reaching your hand into the fire and you pull back. People who love you don’t hurt you, mock you, evade you or lie to you.No amount of “talk” changes that fact. There are many women on here who spent thousands and hours in therapy on themselves and their husbands. The outcome? Nothing good that we have found yet. Every single one of them is still an asshole and talking to an asshole is a waste of time. They cheat on you, lie to you, abuse you and betray you and they don’t stop when you tell them it is breaking your heart. What else is there really left to say after that? NOTHING. There is nothing to say after that. Karen xx
they really are all the same-
I fucked up, I’m sorry
can’t you live in the present
that was then
why do you have to keep revisiting it
i want to make us work, don’t you
what are you just going to quit
fine quit, but i will never quit on us
i only did it once
i only did it because you were unhappy
i didn’t know how to open up to you
i am communicating now
it was just a stress reliefoh I could go on but they are all the same as what has been said here many times before š
“I didn’t think there was anything wrong with that” – cheating, lying etc
After I found out about the multi-year affiar last year, I was asking him for details. He yelled at me, “You should just assume that EVERYTHING I ever told you was a lie.” I thought he was just being sarcastic at the time, and never for a minute believed that could be true. In reality, it was probably the truest “line” he’s ever spoken.
Karen, that is so true and it takes so long to get your head around that. It is so alien from normal relationships.
Anony- Wow, sounds like you got an honest answer and didn’t even recognize it…that’s how weird these guys are.
I saw my sah this week and he’s completely rewriting the relationship, I think as some sort of self defense mechanism. He now says that I was detaching long before I left Jan 1 (you think? Uh you screwed prostitutes) and then brought up that sometimes I’d “stay in the room and not have dinner with the family. Who does that?” Um – ill tell you who A person with a 6 week old baby who is breast feeding 8 hours a day and spending many more hours trying to get baby to sleep. Oblivious. I don’t know why the things that come out of his mouth continue to shock me. And I said “what’s your point? A normal husband would just say “honey I really miss you at dinner. Can we try to schedule so were together tomorrow night.” That made him stop in his tracks, as if he’d never actually thought to say something. They are t normal husbands. The only communication they have is with their penises
For whatever reason Eliza, they have an insatiable desire to make EVERTHING our fault. That is when I finally discovered the truth about mine’s activities. He was hell bent on making things my fault at MC until it got downright loony. He complained to my own brother about me. All the while he was fucking hookers. He was totally insane. It took that for me to see I needed to find out what was really going on. I almost believed everything was my fault and I was prepared to try. When I got blamed for things that I knew damn well I didn’t do and/or had no control over ( the weather)…..I knew he was crazy.
Well, if everything is our fault, they don’t have to look into the black hole of their own soul and take responsibility. I’m not sure if that is crazy or just a coping mechanism so they can look at themselves in the mirror every day.
I think you are on to something there, Daisy.
A month or two ago, I was a total wreck because I had asked my SA a work question (we work together) and he totally flipped out on me and made me feel like a worthless, crazy piece of shit becuase I “ask too many questions.” So I texted a few people I know pretty well, I guess they are friends, and asked if they think I ask too many questions. My guy friend (who does NOT know the story) asked if that was something my boyfriend said, and then texted: “You are a willing student of lifes journey and you have many questions and that is to be valued, not devalued. Surely he has things to hide like most men…”
When I agreed with that statement, he said, “He does that to serve his own desires and so he can devalue you so he won’t feel guilty about treating you with disrespect.”
Pretty insightful, isn’t it? I saved the texts, and have referred to them more than once as I learned more about this SA madness.
I was going to ask if the other guy was gay? B/c if not, he sounds like an enlightened man and potential good mate!
Teri and FC, you made me laugh. Nope, he’s not gay. And I think he’s liked me for years. But for some reason I’m drawn to this other guy who uses, abuses, and lies to me. I gave him my heart once when he seemed so nice, and he took my soul right along with it. And I don’t know how to take them back.
You are a mean person
Nothing I do will be enough
You’re psycho
You’re doing the wrong thing by giving up on us
All our son needs is a loving family … All of us, togetherI found this to be so relevant to me tonight. My additions are:
-“it’s just supplemental sex.”
-“it’s not like it was one person and a relationship. I intentionally went for variety, so none of them would get attached.” (Yeah, prostitutes get attached)
-“I didn’t think it would affect you this much.” (I was throwing up after learning of just one prostitute- hadn’t heard the whole shit story yet)
-“well I hope I didn’t kill you” and then stormed away and left me there. (when he admitted to unprotected sex with prostitutes. Before I had the std check done, literally 2 days after dday).
“I can finally talk to someone about what I have been going through! I have been suffering for over a year keeping this secret”. (He was “relieved” I found out so he could talk to me about it finally).
“I process things quickly” ( as the reason he joined match.com less than four weeks after dday)
“I’m just going to consider myself a single guy living with a nice lady” (when I told him I wanted a divorce.
“I don’t have a problem, I just have a high sex drive. I’ll be happy when I find a lady with the same level as me”
“I think my sex drive might be genetic, when I told my dad about the multiple affairs, he said he understood. I think this is why my dad was always cheating on my mom” (I added, “yeah, and now you’re the same piece of shit you always thought your dad was”)
“Then you went on lexapro” (why he had to resort to prostitutes because my sex drive had dropped after the birth of my second child and I went on lexapro)
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