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I am still struggling with what to do. I’m fortunate that we are not married, don’t have children together, and I am not dependent on him for support. We’ve been together off and on for over 2 years. I fell in love with him when I thought he was a sweet, almost shy guy who was fighting for his kids in a tough custody battle. I love his children and they love me, especially his daughter. For about 6 months or so everything was blissful, we spent all our spare time together. Then there was a period when he’d be distant but I didn’t know why, I started feeling like I was crazy for thinking something was wrong. I thought maybe it was menopause. But then one day he gave me some credit card receipts to mail for him, and I had to put one more in for him in the right order. So I had to flip thru to find the right spot, and my eye caught the name of an extremely fancy, romantic restaurant that I’d always wanted to go to. The charge for just dinner was over $500! Even worse, the date was the anniversary of our first kiss, and that day he had left our office party saying he “didn’t feel well.” I later learned he went with a married fellow swimmer, and over the years have come to learn more about their relationship, including talking to her husband a couple of times. I found a text from her to him saying “I miss you already,” after it appeared that they may have spent the night together, I also know they spent the night together in NY once when he left a day earlier than usual to go see his kids. He supposedly cut off contact with her except to run into her at swim meets but in December I found a couple emails between them in which she was saying she won’t come to swim meets if I’m going to be there (which explained why he seemed to be discouraging me from coming to meets). This time last year we weren’t exclusive and he went to a meet in Florida with her and didn’t call me the entire time. I was ready to cut him out of my life entirely and he offered on his own to go to counseling with me. The general pattern is I’ll find some text or email or something, he will be contrite, we’ll have a month or two of honeymoon, then something else pops up. I broke up with him for over a month last summer, but then he came to work at my new job and now he works right down the hall. It’s so painful. I really do believe that the non-addictive part of him loves me, but when the addictive part is driving, he can be so unfeeling. The most recent “last straw” is that I found out he had a profile on AshleyMadison.com, the “cheater” website.
So that’s my sad tale, looking for help in making my decision and staying strong. One thing that makes it tougher for me is that my brother-in-law was freed from sexual addiction through his faith and now is truly a different man–that gives me hope but my SA may be taking advantage of that.Hi Helaine,
You are so lucky to be in such a good position to run like hell and never look back. You are free from the marraige-kids-financial dependence conundrum. It’s all there for you to see multiple ways of acting out over time! You deserve so much more than that.
I know you have hope in recovery with faith but that is his decision and he is not in recovery. Why would you want to put yourself through this if you didn’t have to?
I’ve never responded so negatively and I don’t mean to sound
harsh but so many of us on the list are in marraiges that span decades and are heartbroken with the wasted years and fear of the future. You don’t have to do that.Read through the posts in here and know this is what you would be signing up for. My heart goes out to you for your pain and the betrayal that he has already brought into your life.
In sister love,
Debora
I forgot to mention that my husband is also a sweet almost shy guy who was just past a divorce and struggling fo rcustody whenIi met him 25 years ago. Of course he wasn’t at fault in the divorce…ahem. I wish I didn’t know now what I didn’t know then.
Hi Helaine21,
Sounds like you have had a tough time. We all love our SA’s, so we know what you are going through. There is the good and then the bad. Then the bad starts popping up and then we try to ignore, because we like the good so much.My SA used trust issues to spin on me, because my dad had an affair and left my mom. So he used that weak point against me, and made me feel bad for not trusting. That he is different than my dad, and loves me…..But in reality he was not trustworthy either. Short of the story is trust your gut. I know that now.
Did he ever say why he was splitting up with his ex? Are they divorced? You said custody battle, that is why I am asking? Curious because there is typically a reason why. Also he is and has played the symnapthy/pity card pretty hard here. Addicts and users do that. Anytime you feel sympathy/pity in a conversation and it sways your thoughts with him…does that happen? I read a book the sociopath next door. And the author said that you know you are dealing with one if you feel pity. Of course we all feel pity, but is it often. That is one of the sociopaths fav. techniques. Get the book out if interested. I found that it was very good. Actually 1 in 25 people is a sociopath, comforting feeling huh? But anyway it may answer some questions for you. In the short term love fraud .com has some info as well. Actually interesting enough this ladies story was shared on “who the bleep did I marry” a show on TV in the US. Also may be of help is “why is it always about you”. A book on narcissism, by sandy hotchkiss.
anyway these ladies on here are great. We will all have different things to say. We are all at differnet places and phases and will help you out the best we can. We are here for you when you need us. Hugs and welcome.
that is the most helpful thing, to read the stories of women who kept hoping and years and years passed. i keep telling him if he is going to get himself together he better do it soon because i am not going to let him string me along while my relative youth and attractiveness (I’m 46 but look younger, am in good shape) i think the best thing about this will be to help me to gather strength.
Flora, he said that she was controlled by her dad, totally changed when they had children, was rigid and would never compromise. She is very angry and rigid now in her dealings with him, so i could believe it. He used to be an alcoholic and he admits that was a big part of the problem. But now i believe that she must have found out at some point about other women (including the same married one I’ve had to deal with, she goes back a ways with him) and that may be what has made her so bitter. I definitely believe he is narcissistic, not sure about sociopath but will have to read that book. We have this weird bond where he can tell when I’m making concrete plans to pull away and then he goes into another level of attention. Yesterday he showed up unexpectedly at my door, which never happens, and tonight he got out of his car at stoplight to run back to kiss me, and just called to say hi even though i talked to him quite a bit at work.
Helaine,
You have a very clear read on this guy. Listen to what you wrote! The alcoholism is classic, multiple addictions and the narcisism, classic!!! His ability to read your emotions and respond only when he’s at risk of losing his narcissitic supply, classic! Maybe you should talk to you husbands exwife instead of listening to what he said about their marraige. I wished I had before I got married.
You’re 46, I’m 54. You can’t go back.
Love, Deb
Helaine,
I’m so sorry for what you are feeling and going through. We have all wanted to believe that our SA would go into recovery. Some have, but the odds are not in your favor. I think what makes it so hard is that the SA’s way of behaving is so bizarre that we think it can’t possibly be true. But it is true. I’ve been divorced for almost a year, and I still want to think that he loved me underneath the addiction. It is possible that these guys are not capable of loving in any way that we would think of as normal. I don’t know the answer to that. But I have to admit that the lying and cheating don’t FEEL like love, so it isn’t going to feed your heart or nurture your spirit. Like you, I was financially independent when I married my SA. In addition to all the sexual stuff, my ex really used me financially. Something else to consider.
Polly
Hi Helaine21,
Thank you for sharing your story. It takes courage to do and I admire anyone with courage. These are my thoughts: hes leading a double life at your expense; they all do. They like you and they like all their “others”. The only problem is you/we get the short end of the stick. Its a constant cycle that never stops and they have fun and meet their addiction needs and we get pain, suffering, hurt, low self esteem, financial losses, sexually transmitted diseases, our sexual needs ignored, and maybe even depression and anxiety, and basically an unfulling life. Does that sound fair? Not even close….Does it sound like the sort of relationship you want to invest time and energy into? All give and no take. Every once in a while they will throw us a crumb…like when he jumped out of the car and kissed you at a red light. Very romantic…however, its never consistant it comes and go. We find ourselves living crumb to crumb. And the worst part is there is no cake…he gives his cake away to his affair and casual encounters…its very sad and why do we accept this abuse? Why do we accept this behavior from them….its very important for each of us to answer that question. We wouldnt keep a girlfriend who treated us like that- no way! I hope I havent been too harsh but its the truth. I was married 25 years, Im 52 (look 39), and I basically had 25 years of what you described plus a whole lot more….why I tolerated it…still paying big bucks to figure it all out but no more..my marriage is ending and I look forward to a healthy life! 🙂Wow! Wow! And Wow!! I love you ladies!! Helaine, I am so sorry for your pain! I have to make a couple of calls but will definitely be getting back to you! Flora, I swear you are my soul sister! And NAP, omg! You nailed so many good points, I practically had my first orgasm in oh, several years!! Lol!! Just kidding, but you totally got it sister! Helaine, listen to Nap, she knows what the F she is talking about and so do the rest of us!!!! I shall return…..
I agree that NAP is right on…just one thing from my experience as one of many “dames on the side” for predator. All I got were crumbs too, laced with several strains of HPV… There is NO fucking cake!!! Someone left it out in the rain… :I
Hi Helaine
Thank you for sharing your story. I agree with what Debora said – you are lucky to be financially independant, not married and no kids. All those things are extra ties that make it so much harder to leave. My humble belief is that if your SA wants to stop he’ll go and get help. From what you wrote it doesn’t sound like he’s doing that. It also sounds like he’s only saying he’ll stop things when you find out about them, not because he wants to. Mine was the same (I had the wedding ring and two kids and financially dependant issues) I would have the month or two honeymoon after he was found out and then, as soon as we start to relax, they’re at it again. All I can say to you is, I wish I had left when I first found out 13 years ago. I went through 12 more years of stress, anxiety, loneliness, heartache, anger, lack of emotion, lack of sex, manipulation, mind games and downright mental cruelty. Ask yourself if that’s what you want for your future. If he’s serious about recovery, then if you leave him, letting him know that you love him but not the addiction, and he gets help (and proves it, cos they lie about that too!) then maybe you could have a future later on. At the moment I think he needs to know that No means No and you are not prepared to tolerate it at all. Then the ball is in his court. He can either sort himself out and come and find you when he’s well down the road of recovery, or he can carry on with what he’s doing, in which case you’re better off without him.
Why is it so easy to see what other people should do, but not as easy to follow your own advice?!!!!!! lol
Lots of love
Hope things go well for youBusybee
Hi Helaine,
I had the thought to call the spouse, but I did not write it. but I do have to agree with Deborah, i think it would be a good idea in this situation if you can. They so often play the “victim” (mine did as well); and then low and behold she left him because of all his affairs or drinking etc. Just think how we have behaved, and we totally deserve to be bitter and mean; etc. So I think it is a good idea. Esp. since you are not married etc., what do you got to lose. He prob. did trade one addiction for another as well.Ha lexie to funny.
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