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Hi I am DEVEAUXB- a new member. My new therapist told me yesterday I needed Al Anon, then refused to allow me to talk about my husband’s 20 years of sexual addiction I just found out about, shut me down when I started to cry about the horrible sadness I felt over so many losses. On her agenda to shut my tears up was to tell me I contributed to his addiction by suspecting, questioning, even putting PI on him and because I stayed with him suspecting but not being to prove it, I was giving him the message I was okay with his ‘collection’ of women, the strip clubs, the 300+ emails I finally found a month ago, and the prostitutes!!
Help me sisters! I have lived in torment for 20 years of my 42 yrs of marriage and not able to catch him. He was and is very, very smart at covering his tracks. Yes I felt something was wrong but proving it—couldn’t do it until God intervened and things went click, click click, and I found emails he had not deleted from 2005 which made reference all the way back to 1995!
I was told by this addiction therapist that I was ‘allowing’ this behavior.!
Am I missing something here? I trusted him and wanted to believe the weird things were coincidence and that as he said I was just insecure and a little paranoid about things because of my upbringing! I also was showered with diamonds, new BMWs to assure me he was my partner. Heck, I even got red roses on Valentines this year although I knew he had been having sex with his Mississippi girlfriend all afternoon!
And I am in need of understanding the 12 step program how I enabled him to become and be a sex addict.
Help me please! I am being traumatized by own therapist and heck, I am a therapist myself! LOL!Dear Deveaux: Your new therapist needs to become your former therapist! What a crock she is! Not allowing you to talk about your H’s addiction or to cry?? WTF? There may be some partner somewhere who was helped by the 12 step model but here in the ‘hood, we are not big on therapists or treatment models that BLAME THE VICTIM!!! In fact, we have an expression for that precise situation: FUCK THAT! (pardon my language please, at least until you get used to us). Don’t try to understand how you are to blame because the simple fact is, you aren’t. The only person to blame here (other than your therapist for being a cold hearted bitch) is the person who engaged in (as our wonderful sister Diane likes to say) penis activities. He is to blame, not you. You need to find a therapist that understands that basic fact of life.
Hugs to you,
DaisyP.S. We have a group for listing therapists and treatment centers both good and bad. Be sure you add your (hopefully soon to be ex) therapist’s name and location to the “bad” pile.
Deveaux I don’t normally use this kind of language but tell her from me to fuck off and then take to her with a flathead shovel. Sorry I’m really furious As of you haven’t had enough trauma in learning about the carrying on of your husband without being further traumatised by this so called therapist. I am so very sorry this has happened to you. Do yourself a favour and have a good cry and a stiff drink and promise yourself to never see this woman again. Xxxxx love. Catherine
Ok, that is the stupidest shit I have ever heard ( not really but close).
Read Barbara Steffen’s book ( or watch her video interview with Joann linked from here). Visit the PoSARC website and read the info. Go to Omar Minwalla’s website and read his “partner treatment”.
I don’t care what you did or did not do. No one MADE him break his marriage vows. If you were that God awful then the dumbass should have divorced you years ago.
I’m sorry, but this kind of crap sends me over the edge.
http://www.theinstituteforsexualhealth.com/ish-articles/a-call-for-professional-action-and-awareness-recognizing-the-psychological-treatment-needs-of-partners-of-sex-addicts/
Deveaux read this and then forward it to the ‘therapist’.Deveaux- We have saying around here (thanks to Miss Courtney) for that kind of shit- Fuck that!
Lose that therapist and find a new one. Look for someone who has experience with trauma. I like somatic experiencing (SE) and EMDR.
Don’t waste another minute even thinking about that idiot therapist.
More abuse from a therapist! The sisters are right. This is NOT your fault in any way shape or form.
You are not to blame. That’s the dumbest thing I have heard. Even if you posed as a backpage hooker and lured him to meet for sex you wouldn’t be responsible for his decision to act outside the marriage. The only way it could possibly be true that we were responsible is if we were in control of our husbands’ minds, and we all know that if women had that kind of power this board would not exist and there would be world peace.
Deveaux, your therapist is one of the whack jobs in the field, and unfortunately there seem to be way too many of them. I hope you will read the link that allcat posted. It will help you feel less alone, as will this sisterhood here. I am so sorry for the pain you are going through, and for the added pain that these Twilight Zone therapists like your therapist have caused you. Big hugs. xoxo
Oh Deveaux that therapist makes me want to spit nails…fuck her! I can understand “inadequate” therapists – they are only human after all and can be taken in by a flaming narc as many people are – but this experience is out right malpractice! (or whatever you call it in the therapy world). You can’t talk about what your husband has done? Isn’t that the reason you went to her in the first place? God – I want to call her up and give her a piece of my mind!
You are NOT to blame for your H’s penis activities! I repeat, you are NOT to blame for your H’s penis activities! What you have experienced for the past 42 years is living with a world-class liar and a cheat who has gaslighted you like the best of them. Of course you couldn’t “prove” anything – b/c he is so good at lying and getting you to have some reasonable doubt that you start doubting yourself. Because you want to – we all want to! We want to believe our H’s love us and couldn’t possibly be doing what we think they are doing. That is human nature and as you’ll learn from this site – these guys have this uncanny ability to pick amazing, strong, sensitive & caring women – that is how they can get away with the stuff that they do for so long! Not that we allow it to happen but we are their “front” – we make them look better, we make them look normal because we are so awesome (and I truly mean that!) that no one “on the outside” would ever expect what an asshole our H is or what kind of deviant sick stuff they do!
deveaux do not go see her again. You are done with her. I saw a therapist like her and it was so destructing and wrong!! It took me going to Minwalla to understand how nuts that therapist was. Please don’t waste another cent on this one! Minwalla suggested I look for someone who specializes in trauma and emotional abuse, not a csat – those people are for my husband. Sorry you had to go through this, in time you will see what a fucked up nut bag that therapist is.
I’ve had and heard a lot of crappy “therapists” and yours hits the bottom of the list. She’s talking out of her ass not her head. Some therapists get it… other therapists are so screwed up they need therapists themselves – and a straight jacket at a funny farm. You are in no way responsible for any of this. Your SA doesn’t even have you in his head when he’s acting out you’re so far removed from this. Fire this chicks ass – she’s probably having an illicit affair herself anyway.
Wow, I’m coming late to this party and you sisters have done all the heavy lifting!
Just to recap and reframe…
the co-addict/codependent model for treating partners of SA’s was galvanized in patrick Carnes work and has been the way in which most CSATs were trained when they obtained their designation. Then Barbara Stephens did ground-breaking research and presented the trauma model for treating partners, and it has challenged the Carnes model. While some partners may be co-dependent, we believe the assumption that we all are is wrong, and is profoundly damaging to the partner–becoming “the second location” trauma.
Omar Minwalla also practices with the new model, and we are slowly finding other therapists who “get it”.Yours doesn’t.
JoAnn’s pioneering website MTASA was the first one to successfully gather women ready to challenge this model themselves and support each other. And now we are on this members only website where we can have more fulsome discussions with each other.
Change is coming. Slowly but surely with each one here who says “no” to more abuse from these so-called therapists.
I’m sorry she did that to you. Don’t let her do it again.
Diane.
I am in CA with Minwalla right now. He SO gets it! Drop her ass fast Deveaux. That is therapist abuse and you have had enough abuse from your ass hole husband.
deveaux,
it is NOT your fault! you did nothing to cause his compulsive behaviour! nothing! his shit is his and his alone.
time for a new therapist. find one who supports the trauma model. i’m so sorry. not only are you traumatized by your partners activities, but the therapists comes along and spews this crap. makes me want to take away her licence.
Deveaux – I too am a therapist and I cannot add anything new that hasn’t been said well already – get the fuck away from her and begin to see yourself as the only person who is relevant in your healing and to be healed you cannot align with someone who is still blaming you – she is part of the problem – as they like to say in 12 steps – you need to find a different solution – let HIM see her – they sound like a good fit – don’t abandon the advice you get here it has saved my self respect and ultimately my life – in a few very short weeks – warmest Meg
How is this STILL allowed to happen?
How are these dangerous therapists even allowed to be near partners, not to mention take our money?
What can we do to finally put a STOP to this?
The retraumatizing and damage gets done so fast. So fast. And often at the most CRITICAL time – the first month of trauma.
The tragedy here is that the effects of this harm can often be long term. For me – the massive invalidation and blaming I experienced from therapists contributed to my trauma developing into chronic PTSD. And it will keep happening to new partners as long as these therapists are allowed to practice.
Deveaux. Get rid of her ASAP. Listen to nothing else she says. it sounds like you and your husband may have a bit of money. Contact Omar Minwalla in Los Angels and get yourself down there for either his partners intensive or an individual intensive. He will help you find someone in your own community to provide you safe therapy once you get home. And read that article that Cat linked. It will explain everything to you that your therapist is doing to you. Oh, and before you drop her, tell her a big FUCK RIGHT OFF from me.
Fuming….. Karen xxDeveaux now that I have calmed down a little I think rather than tell her to f off your should perhaps send her an email.
Dear….
I am writing to advise you that I no longer require your services because I found your treatment plan and approach very ‘old school’.I have attached a link to an article written by Dr Omar Minwalla. This article will help you understand the trauma experienced by partners of SA’s and confirm that the co-addiction model is a very old and it is now widely accepted that the partner is in no way responsible for the SA’s behaviour. You will learn the current best practice for the treatment of trauma experienced by partners of SA’s.
You must at this point be feeling very inadequate actually probably stupid but don’t worry because if you spend a lot of time re-educating yourself someday you can become a good therapist too.
I know that you will feel wretched because you are one of those therapists referred to in the article that further traumatise the partners of SA’s. Don’t worry Dr….. about the terrible damage you did to me during our therapy session because I’m sure a better educated and better informed therapist will in time help me recover from it.
Kind regards,
DThe therapist doesn’t get it. She doesn’t understand and SHOULD NOT be blaming you in any way. You really want a therapist that understands trauma and will truly help you get through all this. I’m sorry you were not seen or heard. Really good therapists are out there, you just have to find them. BTW, welcome to SOS : )
Love, NapxoCatherine,
I have a whole list of letters like that I want to write (maybe I’ll hold back on the biting sarcasm, which I love in your letter) when my divorce is final and those traumatizing therapists will no longer be able to weigh in on me and “my part”. I think they will probably only see them as proof of my refusing to own up to my “coaddiction” which is why I am holding back. But it will make me feel a whole lot better.Seriously, I think even just sending that article to therapists when they traumatize us is at least speaking up for ourselves. I really want to pushback against this abuse.
That’s the trap. Simply objecting to being a coaddict/codependent = their “proof” that we are. How unbelievably twisted and abusive is that. You can’t even feel free to stand up for yourself because they then use it as further evidence of your coaddiction. It all appears so carefully set up.
If you ever read the CSAT books/material, research papers, powerpoints etc, it often says to therapists a statement along the lines of how it’s so common for partners to deny their coaddiction and get very upset by the term/label when they first begin therapy – but once they recognize their “part” in the addiction they will learn to accept it and start their own recovery.
It’s brainwashing, and it’s very sick, Victoria. More fucking gaslighting by the people who are supposed to help us.
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