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I would love to hear what my “part” actually is. He was doing this before I even met him!!! Did I cause that by some magical power that I didn’t know I have????
Then, the dumbasses pound it in to your head “It is NOT about you. He would have cheated on anyone. He could have been married to a supermodel and he still would have cheated. It is not personal. It is not about sex.”…….
Then comes the , “BTW, you need to go to a meeting and see what your part in this is…”They cannot have it both ways! It makes NO SENSE.
Great point, Bev, they are claiming two opposing views in support of our being accessory to their crime.
The SA is the SA’s problem, 100%. This insistence of using the AA model for a different compulsion with significantly different effects, and a MUCH deeper trauma on the partners is ridiculous. Besides which, the SAs do it all in hiding, and we don’t have hangovers and empty bottles and wrecked cars as proof. They can hide if forever if they’re good enough, as evidenced by the fact that majority of us, even with it being our last chance to claim what is rightfully ours in terms of support, can’t prove it in a courtroom.
Sure, we have issues but they are OURS as a result of trauma, not because we’re enabling the “addict”. Who doesn’t go through horrific relational trauma and have issues in this partner role? Only people who REALLY HAVE ISSUES.
I do believe the tide is turning, the more partners refuse to accept that crap and just walk away, the more they will have to face the facts. So what if they blame us, lack of $$ because we insist on different counselors will eventually push them into reconsidering.
For now, stay far, far away from this counselor.
Well, FUCK THAT, Deveaux. Save your money and, more importantly, your sanity. Bitches like that are why little old Liza developed her own ‘therapy’ program.
When I saw Omar Minwalla one of the best things he said to me is this is 100% your husbands fault. You had a relationship with someone who was pretending to be someone else. Your actions and reactions were all part of the manipulation.
I guess I’m viewing it as – these therapists are still shooting and all we can really do is wait for them to run out of bullets. In the process of waiting, though, more new partners are being shot at as they unknowingly walk into their offices with the natural expectation that these therapists are there to help – as they’re supposed to. And while many partners can recover from these harmful experiences, some don’t – sometimes the rewounding from this treatment model can cause and contribute to really deep long lasting damage that can be very hard to repair. It can be inflicted in only 1-2 sessions too. So, while the tide is turning, at least on the surface, it still matters because each day a new partner, amidst the horror and trauma of discovery, gets shot down and re-shattered to pieces by this abuse. One of the biggest factors for normal trauma reactions developing into PTSD is lack of support and invalidation following the trauma. These particular CSAT’s epitomize lack of support and invalidation. It’s magnified too, because they are the ones who are supposed to help.
I like this quote I read from Gordon Brown —
“I see in recent protests a real shift. Demonstrations that started as cautious, often gentle, admonitions to the powers that be, with respectful requests for change, have now come to encompass a set of defiant, non-negotiable demands in the form of ultimatums — and rightly so. Protests that once were pleas to ‘please stop this’ have become protests that insist ‘no more and never again’.”
How do we make this ‘no more and never again’? I really wish I knew.
Bev, you loved him with all your heart. You never imagined cheating on him or him you because you made solemn promises of fidelity on your wedding day. You devoted your life to him and his children and you thought he did the same. You gave have him not one single reason why he would need to seek sex outside of your marriage. You trusted him with every fibre of your being. This is why got away with it and for so long so this is your part.
Great point Victoria. It usually starts with one person taking a stand, like Rosa Parks, Martin Luther King, Susan Komans sister (fight agaist breast cancer and awareness). There have been many trailblazers in the world and it’s a refusal to accept mediocrity, the status quo, mistreatment. I think we start with ourselves. Theres a price to pay, however, I’d rather pay the price for right than wrong. The cost is too high.
So true, Nap. We have to take a stand for ourselves. We spend our time and energy trying to convince THEM that they’re being abusive, when its ourselves who need to believe it.
Personally I would send the email Deveaux. Tweak it (the sarcasm was for the sisters) but make a stand. Empower yourself and the other women walking in your shoes. The facts are there. The therapists ‘views’ are passe. I truly believe that knowing what we do we have a moral responsibility that when we encounter such abuse that we defend ourselves and protect others from it.
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