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dear all,
i was hoping that for those of you who left your Sa, if could perhaps relate / advise.
after the custody decision yesterday. I was so elated happy, looking so fwd to being out from under.
then today, I am so frigging angry. i feel like my head could pop off my body. it is so strong i can feel it phsically through my jaw (clenched) and my head. some days, I wake up this way. no control over it. none. it is just there.
ever happen to you? in transition leave time?
i mean the good news it is not anger that i feel like hurting anyone. but man i am so pissed off it almost makes me ill. it does not feel like a healthy anger.
i do need some more counseling. someone to validate the pain i have been through. i want someone to sit and cry with me. to acknowledge my hurt and the danger that I have been in.
and then, i am just so mad that my marriage is blown up. that i am actually ending it. that it has all come down to this.
and i struggle with — what is my part? what is my part in those whole scheme of addiction and abuse? where did I go wrong? how much of H’s claims of “treating him like shit” and “i am hostile from day one” and showed him anger early on… is true?
don’t get me wrong. it’s not that I care what he thinks is my fault. but i am very confused to what is fact and what is fiction where I am concerned.
anyhow, I am truly excitied to get me and baby out of home. and live seperate. but I am also scared. still have a shock factor. and angry like I can’t even describe. seriously, i think i have lockjaw and am grinding my teeth into pebbles.
someone, tell me this gets better
i think i am feeling rejection. in a major way. and i am not doing well with it. i mean wanting his “lifestyle” over me is rejection. it is a wound to deep to comprehend.
i was adopted at birth by my parents. i think I have attachment issues.
the anger I feel, goes deeper than just the marriage and the end of it. there is something deeper.i need to work through what that is. thanks for caring and listening all.
Pam,
I’m not a therapist but I’ve been in therapy for a long time. I started when I was 32 and I’m 53. I think there are some things I understand by default.This is my take on your anger. For years, in order to survive your marriage, you had to stuff your feelings. Now that you are out of denial and see the reality of your life, all these feelings are rising to the surface. Anger is a general emotion for hurt and frustration. Your feelings haven’t separated out so your just feeling them all as anger. It’s actually a good sign that you are feeling something and rightfully so. You have been through a lot and starting over is anxiety producing and you may be feeling that as anger right now too.
I think it would be great for you to have a talk therapist right now. You have a lot of big things on your plate. This would help to release these feelings which is good or you can also write to release them.
You should be proud of the steps you have made and I wish you all the best always.
Love, Nap
Ps the sadness comes from grieving the loss of your marriage and sometimes our minds will use anger to help us separate from the person we are ending the relationship with.
I’ve been told that anger is often about boundary violations, and just think about how many of your boundaries have been violated.
I’ve had days where I was shaking I was so angry. It comes and goes. I am learning that dealing with the physical part of emotions is just as important as dealing with the mental part. I store my anger in my chest and shoulders. I get all tense. I have a punching bag, and when I get angry, I just let go on it until my arms start burning- that physical pain you can stop and start- for some reason being able to control the physical pain somehow helps with the emotional pain. I don’t know if that’s good or not- but I feel better afterwards.
Kids don’t have that ability to verbalize their emotions. They get it all out physically. I’m finding that I like getting it out physically, too. At times, I’ve had enough words.
If that helps. There’s always more than one way to skin a cat.
Why NAP, I do believe You are a doctor (or at least play one on TV)! Great advice for Pam, btw. Love, Dr.Liza
I have those feelings too Pam. I make a decision, and move forward into my new life and what that means in some specific way. I’m elated. I know its right.
Then I create my own blowback. I circle the rabbit hole and down I go. It’s like I’m so used to being roadblocked and defeated by his presence, that I “stand in” for him and his mother now that they are out of my daily life.
It gets better, Pam. The more you see your decisions creating options for you, the less power those down moments have. It’s all about getting used to being out from under the oppressive negativity of these relationships. It’s disorienting at first. But worth it all.
Pam, please do not get tangled in his accusations. Every blame he assigns to you is intended to make you question your decision. He will do anything, try anything, say anything. Are you going to let that drug-addict-tranny-lover define you? Will you be leveled by his weapons of mass destruction. I’m sure that what you really brought to the marriage was love for him and hope for a happy future, not hostility. At this point, trying to parse your part in this is not productive. Would you be doing that if he’d given you a black eye or broken your nose?
you both really made me feel better. thank you and hugs.
Diane you are really amazing. and how true–the stand in, now that we are free.
i am glad to know that I am not alone in the “rabbit hole” experience.
and yes to all of the above. getting tangled in his blaming is ridiculous.
Teri I love the punching bag idea. you must have some seriously buff arms by now! good for you.
some good news. I woke early this morning. somewhere deep in my spirit, I felt my gift — of having custody of daughter. that it was right. that it was God’s hand. protecting us.
funny how all nostalgia, vows, and all the stuff we say when we marry just goes out the window when we are faced with our own safety and survival.
Dear Pam,
The anger is something all of us must carry along with the grieving and the deep, deep sadness. You were ripped off and treated so poorly. How could you NOT be angry, dear girl?? 🙁 I thought I would die from anger, Pam…I am sure it gave me cancer and it went on for years. I can honestly say, it still returns to me at times but it has lessened so much and I am so thankful to be free of it. I firmly believe that when your contact with him and his ridiculous ramblings are limited …your spirit will begin to heal and you will TRUELY be able to see his BS for what it is…BS!!!! None of us are perfect human beings. We all made mistakes in our marriages and we all acted less than our best at times? That is why we marry and commit to another…so we can show our weaknesses, our flaws and our vunerabilities? God knows…we accepted enough of their’s over the years didn’t we??? The things that these men did to you and to ALL of us have NOTHING to do with ANYTHING we did and EVERYTHING to do with the fact that they are F–ked UP A–holes. You are going to be so much better when you are out from under his thumb and he is going to get his… BIG TIME. Soon you will be able to drink in the goodness that life has to offer, WITHOUT that Trannie Fucking Asshole CONSTANTLY trying to bring you down. Just hang on a little bit longer…your time is coming. Sending light and angels to you…. Karen xx
Hi Pam, oh yes my dear friend anger…i beleive that is how i kicked my h out once upon a long time ago. And i never let him back in and i never regretted it. Did i panic …yes from time to time. Did I worry that “was i doing the right thing” yet a lot …more than i would care to admit.
But i never forgot the reason why…i never let all of my worry …take over the reason why. The reaosn why will always prevail over whatever worry or rediculous goes on in our heads as we panic and try to cling to what was left of our marriage. Still hoping, yes still, hoping that they will someday turn around and get better and everything will be great and we will be one big happy family.
Pam it will never happen. And he will never be a guy you can respect and admire as a spouse. He is no good and no good for you. No man is better than this man. And no man is better than a happy life. And that is what you will have…and that is where you are heading.
You have every reason to be angry. And as you approach divorce also comes your eventual actual split as you have not lived alone yet…and are not living apart from him. So you have even more things floating around…where as some others have already worked out the actually physical seperation and learning to live life on you own.
But you will be just fine.
Love and hugs,
FloraOhh and the anger does disapate over time and so does the sadness and hurt. As long as you pick up and continue your life…and add things you love to fullfill it….
Pam,
I agree with all of the ladies above. I think a talk therapist to get this out would be a great help. It actually sounds healthy to me. My therapist questioned me on why I didn’t feel angry. Mostly I have felt pain/sadness. I think to some degree, I’m afraid to let the anger out, because there is probably so much of it that it will overtake and propel me–I’ll be out of control. So there you have it; I think I just realized I’m afraid of the anger. Don’t get me wrong; I have yelled at my SA and some of it has come out, but I’m pretty sure I’ve only scratched the surface.Pam, you’re going to make it, and you’ll be just fine. Find an outlet for the anger–the punching bag is a cool idea. So inspired by where you are right now.
Love, ZG
I like what Flora said about remembering the reason why. That’s like a compass keeping you on course.
Zumba girl, I suppressed my anger, too, and when it finally came it hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt like every cell in my body was shaking with anger for a week or two. And then it kind of calmed down. Now I get shorter, less intense feelings of anger unless there has been something new- contact with the asshole, finding the recordings. But it was a relief in a way when the anger finally got here. It turned out that, although it wasn’t fun, I could handle it and then get it under control. So don’t be afraid of the anger. It’s a sign of health and progress- you are moving through the stages. The only past it is through it.
Pam,
I was also adopted at 3 months old. Even if you had the most amazing a-parents, adoption cuts deep (it’s called a “primal wound”).
Unfortunately I ended up with a solid on the outside, but really messed up mother who never told me she loved me and had attachment issues and anger (I think she was sexually abused). My brother was an addict, so all the attention was on him. I was the “lost child” who gained validation through being a good student.
When I did my bparents search when I was 36, I found a therapist who specialized in adoption and attachment issues. That helped me a lot. What I didn’t realize until now is that I depended on my husband to fill the “love hole” in me – the little girl that was never loved. That made me an uber co-dependent and love addict. That’s why my SAH got away with driving a Mac truck over me. (he said he knew that I would take him back)….ughhh!!!! But it’s true. I literarily couldn’t survive without his love and he could have knocked me in the head (it felt like he did) and I would have come back for more. I’m the perfect partner for a Love Avoidant SA. (make that – was!)
But now that I know all this – I’m working on it like crazy. No more Mac trucks for me.Ahhhh….the anger, the loss, the sadness. This all goes waaaaaaay back for you. It is hard enough for others, but for adoptees, it cuts deep. A good book to read on the subject is “Journey of the Adopted Self” by BJ Lifton (I knew her well when I was active in the adult adoptee world – that was another story!).
Did you ever find your bparents? As I recall, someone else’s SAH is in the midst of a search as well.
I find the whole Love Addiction – Love Avoidant (sex addiction) thing interesting. Just started Pia Mellody’s book on Love Addiction last night and it describes my SAH and my dance to a T. It’s a bit scary how accurate it is.
Pam – even though your husband was outrageous with his trannies, etc, it’s still hard to made sense of it all – and it hurts. We apply our own logic to guys who don’t have the same sense of commitment, love and values. They are damaged goods. You could never get angry in the past because he was your meal ticket to love and proof that you are wanted and loveable.
I’m so proud of you! You are loving yourself by getting out of a bad situation. Feel the anger, the sadness, the loss of a dream….. and then when you are ready, it’s onward and upward!
Deb
Deb,
thank you so much for sharing your post. As an adoptee, I have often wondered how much my wound has played in my marriage choice.
and I too, feel that until now, this guy could do almost anything, but my need for love/marriage/ justified his bad behavior. A lot of it. Even prior to D day.
I am going to work hard on myself. So I do not make same mistakes again. For many adoptees, there is rejection at birth. It makes us more vulnerable–and some times needy for love. Narcs and BPD’s — you are right, we are just perfect for them.
you know yesterday i went through old emails to my stbxh. they were so clear, so setting boundaries that I needed respected. I did stand up for myself and ask for what I needed. I just didn’t get it. So here I am a year later, making the hard move to get out.
I feel like I did stick up for myself this whole marriage. And asked and pleaded and yelled and screamed for what I needed. and it got me no where. what kind of partner does that to a person?
but i am dealing with a serial blamer also. who says I ignore his needs and boundaries. For real!! it has certainly left me dazed and confused.
but strong enough, to say no more. I guess a 10 year marriage is better than 30. D day, did prompt me to seek counsel and determine what I wanted for my future. As parents, it is really really painful to seperate the unit though. And then, I can’t wait to be away from him also. can’t wait.
glad you shared on the adoptee angle. I think it is a major compenent of why we perhaps ended up here. Oh, and no, I have never looked up my birth parents. still kind of want to, but then kind of don’t. I feel close to my family. and i don’t know if i would want to open that door. I wanted to as a teenager (b/c I hated my mother then, and was a brat). 🙂
but likely not now.Being adopted makes us special in life and in our families – foo. these retarded jack ass husband’s have not acknowledged or treated us as such. and they should have.
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