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I had mentioned in another thread that I thought I was learning to keep things in perspective. But I’m sucking at that right now, and over something that probably seems pretty insignificant in the grand scheme of things.
But I got a glimpse at his first step document two nights ago. I learned that at the time when I thought we were both newly madly in love, that he would have taken up with his old high school girlfriend in a heartbeat. This was 22 years ago, but never in a million years would I have guessed this. I should have though. Not long after we were first together he’d called her a few times and at the time I was heartbroken and confused, because this is the woman he pined over all through college, though they were long broken up. He says that after that he never called her again, when he saw that it hurt me. But learning two nights ago that he had still wanted her back then, even after professing to being madly in love with me.. It’s just broken my stupid heart all over again. He responded with anger that I’d looked at his document and turned into a cold angry ahole, and I haven’t spoken to him since. (He also threw his phone at the wall in anger after we’d spoken earlier on the phone, and broke his phone. Second time he’s done this since being in recovery).
I didn’t rage after reading that part of his document, just burst into tears and babbled like a baby, and then left his apartment and drove home. I think it’s just that the last 8 months have taken a toll on me, and weirdly enough, I haven’t really cried much since D-day. But now I’m crying a lot. Which is probably not a bad thing. But pretty stupid, huh? To have this be the thing that sends me over the edge all over again. I think it’s maybe because it cements for me that I really don’t know where the lies start. At the time we first got together he was a full-blown alcoholic but didn’t get into sex addiction until about 11 years ago, after years of being a dry drunk/workaholic. So I dunno at this point what I’m going to do. Everything just feels so muddled up. Usually my reaction is anger when I find out these things, but not this time. Just so sad and confused. And of course, also wondering what the hell else is in that first step document which as many sisters here know, I was obsessing on a few months ago. But actually in some ways.. I think it doesn’t matter what the hell else is in there, come to think of it. I just feel so lost. I have a list of things on my to-do list today, and I’m determined to do them, because yesterday I just basically sat around in a fog. I know I feel better when I do normal things..laundromat, grocery shopping, post office. So I’ll do my best to get on with things. But God, it hurts. Love you all. xoxo
Oh Annie–I am so sorry that you are hurting right now. I totally understand, your comment ” I think it’s maybe because it cements for me that I really don’t know where the lies start”. You are finding out you have been more robbed that you even thought!! Of course it hurts.
Like everything else, try not to take it too personally that he wanted the old girlfriend when you were first together. Of course he did–he is intimacy phobic and she wasnt available, you were. Your presence and love were and are terrifying to him.
Sending you love and prayers….hang in there sister!He is taking from you the last precious ‘pure’ years you had left. It’s a whole new thing to grieve. I’m sorry for your pain.
XOXOX
KimDear Annie,
I am really really sorry for the pain that is going on. You know we can’t help but get hurt/upset when we “find things” about them. Even if they were a long time ago. It does point to faulty beginnings, and deceptive behavior from the start. You have the right to be me mad, sad and upset. And I too think it is good that you are now able to cry about it.
so much for transparancy. I thought having access to SA journals are part of recovery for partner? but then i dunno. cuz mine never got that far.
Annie,
I completely understand your pain and anger. This isn’t an insignificant thing AT ALL. In fact, it’s probably one of the most important things. At the very least, you thought your addict husband loved you from the start with all his heart (if they don’t at the beginning of the relationship during the honeymoon period – then when?). His 1st step revelation shattered that.
Honestly, I think that’s the only thing that I’m hanging onto….that my SAH somehow got lead astray. But – if I’m honest with myself, he had an emotional affair a few years after we were married. I just believed his spin on it at the time.
Most of these SAHs started their “stuff” when they were teenagers (or even before) – when they first start into their fantasy world. The fantasy world gets better and better – and then some move on to a fantasy world with real people. They feel MOST comfortable in that world as they are adored, admired, and feel like they are on top of the world. The brain chemistry is pretty amazing – a buzz beyond belief. A relationship and sex with us can’t ever compare. Of course he was still pining away for his high school sweetheart because it was a FANTASY. Nothing in real life can ever compare. As Bonnie astutely points out – you were real and scary – and the feeling just couldn’t compare.
I can only imagine when my SAH (if ever) works on his steps, I’ll be chomping at the bit to read them – but hun, try not to. It’s like reading the rantings of a psychiatric patient. They are meaningless and it is a process for them to get in touch with reality. Keep going down your path. Save your energy for YOU. Imagine your life without the pain and suffering of a psycho in your life. If he ever gets well, he knows where to find you (if you even want him back then).
It’s painful to find out that their fantasy life was more important than us – they hide it so well. Hell…sometimes in my deepest despair, I want a fantasy life as rich as theirs!
Deb
Dear Annie,
God girl…I don’t even know what to say. You are NOT stupid to get upset about what happened 22 years ago. You are NOT. But listen honey…SA starts young NOT old. He has been what he is for a long, long time and even if he didn’t actually act on it he was acting on it in his head? They ALWAYS want what they don’t have, Annie. I don’t think he is in recovery AT ALL. You don’t know him, dear heart. You never knew him. I am sorry, Annie but maybe it is time to start crying because if you are not… you are probably just denying? He isn’t what you think, Annie. He isn’t what he pretended to be? BIG HUG, Karen
Hi Annie,
I’m sorry his presence in your life causes you so much pain. You deserve to be loved and cherished. It’s a terrible heartache, and disapointment, and let-down, punch in the stomach etc. It’s like these guys are never finished hurting us. There’s just layers and layers of their broken lives spread over ours with all the sharp edges pointing in.
YOu are NOT stupid. You are traumatized. Self-soothing time.I’m taking Al’s advice when it comes to my SA:
We are all ” casting our pearls before swine”.
It’s a parable in the Bible but even if you are a non believer the parable holds true…. I don’t mean to be a downer but I have obviously been accepting the lies for 20 years. I need a little truth injection.Thanks you guys. Your compassion and empathy are making me teary. Bonnie and Deb.. what you and others said about the realness scaring him..you’re very wise. It made me remember that she wasn’t even actually his girlfriend. She had a steady boyfriend at the time, but they saw each other on the side. Which validates the whole ‘unavailability’ thing that feels safer to him.
Karen, you’re right. I never knew him. So weird.. I thought of him as my best friend, the one person who knew me inside and out. Apparently it didn’t work both ways.
Pam and Kim, yeah.. Now I have to face the fact that even what I thought were our happy times were just an illusion.
Diane, ‘layers and layers,’ yeah..It’s a bottomless pit of awfulness.
March.. I love that. Al’s gonna be my inspiration from here on in.
Bev, I need a truth injection too. Or maybe just an apathy injection at this point.
Love you all. xoxoOh Annie, I’m just sick for you. Keep the tears coming, Sister, they’re therapeutic. I wish you the peace and happiness you deserve. Love, Liza
Me too Annie, I’m sorry you are struggling. This SA stuff is really tough in so many ways. It’s very painful and if can cry it’s a good release. Thinking of you!
Love, Nap
Annie, lots of hugs and love to your hurting soul, you are going through the normal stages when our hearts are injured so badly, you get angry over the injustice and pain you are experiencing, then you start to feel sad over the loss you are experiencing, then you oscillate between anger and sadness, but eventually sooner or later, your body is going to go through the healing process, you are a healthy beautiful woman with kind generous heart, and you will not be in that position of anger and pain for ever, even if you want to do so, your normal health repair system will not allow you to do so, as no matter how long the nights are , the sun will rise every morning
So let the sun rise on your life and warm your lonely sad heart.
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