- This topic has 6 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 13 years, 4 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
I have been having a wave of epiphonies lately. It must some cosmic connection as we come to year end. Lately I ave beens seeing with clarity. I feel like I could write horoscopes and predict the future. It is that kind of a week.
I have been thinking a lot about our sister Lexie and the bold moves she is making. I have been thinkin a lot about my own future and what this is all about so far. I have suffered in this marriage, there is no doubt. iN fact I have suffered from day one. Dating was fine, great even. But day after I do, the twirl began. Abuser/abusee, control and power. Lies and deceit. Planning and scheming. Appearing normal. Sometimes was normal. Most time not. Anyhow, this 10 year marriage hs reached is epicenter, as far as how much I can take.
NOw, the 24 million dollar question of the day. Why have I stayed? Now that the cat is out of the bag. On some level,
I WANT JUSTIFCATION THAT ALL MY SUFFERING WAS WORTH IT.Guess what? It wasn’t. IN fact it was unnecessary – all of it. There is no pot of gold at the end of recovery rainbow. There is no purpose of it other than sheer torture for the sake of that. I mean really, do we like pain that much? Are we on some level, masochists?
I keep thinking all that suffering and endurance must amount to a reward somewhere. It can’t be for nothing, right? yes it can. It can all be unnecessary suffering brought upon by someone else’s issues and decisions. There are no special delights in staying, I have realized. No cherries on top. That is if they just won’t recover, or make a REAL attempt at it. It will be more of the same.While I have treasured my moments as mother, wife and business partner. And treasure what was built, I am now seeking an escape route. A fire exit. An alternative. A pathway to somewhere else. I dont’ know where that is just yet. But I believe, that with divine guidance, I can get me and my daughter out safely. If I am clever. If I am smart. And I think I really really am. Clever, that is.
Thanks for letting me freewrite!! 🙂
Dearest Pam,
I love your insights and I think when these ‘realizations’ start happening that it usually means that we are somehow moving forward toward our own healing.
There must be something universal happening, at least universal for us here on this site. Words and insights are just pouring out in the forums and comments.
I, too, have recently had enormous flashes of introspective observations , even when I am not thinking about anything in particular.
Communal connection? Synchronicity? Astral alignment? The Yule season? Mass hysteria?
I don’t know what it is, but I like it.
Pour it on Sisters. It feels right.
And, just to let you know, I feel a very deep, connecting love to all of you–but that is nothing new. ~ JoAnn
Pam,
I’m so flattered at your acknowledgment, but have to say that I’m really, really struggling.
I had a tough day at the “office”… two window treatment installations and then home to deal with all of the problems, that this business is fraught with… constant… constant…
juggling 50 balls at one time. One falls and the client has my head on a platter.
Then, I can’t get into my fucking bank account!!! why? because I took my accountants suggestion and changed all of the passwords and got a new bank card, only because I don’t have the ACTUAL card, but a temporary, could not access my biz account, which makes no sense, since nothing with the online account has changed.
I’m in so much pain and I don’t know what to do about it. There is no relief… and I’m so, so tired. I’m not getting enough sleep and I don’t know how I’m going to accomplish it all…
so, I fear that I will have to eat crow and let him help me… but some would say that this was false pride and to let him help me all he wants.
My mom just called.
i had an epiphany too, but I forgot what it was now…
I think I’ll just enjoy my pretty tree.
xo
Pam, that’s just it.. the feeling that somehow this all has to be worth it. A feeling that we can’t just throw all those years away, that they have to mean something. This is so different from watching a marriage or a relationship steadily wither over the years. There’s no preparation, no warning for this kind of thing. Four months ago I just assumed I’d grow old with my h. Now I don’t even know who he is, but I keep fighting it, keep insisting to myself that of course I know him deep down. I guess I’m still in lag time, because it all came as such an incredible shock that part of me is still back in the ‘old days.’ xoxo
Dear Pam,
Very astute these observations of yours? Because after we have spent years analyzing them and a few more saying what an a–hole they are….we do still have to come back to the question of why are we staying and putting up with it??
Lexie, I’m sorry you are finding it hard. It is hard and I don’t know if you should let him help or not.
Annie, it takes time to process the shock. I do think that is part of it…it is such a shock that we scramble for ANY WAY to fix it rather than face that our lives have suddenly been irreversibly changed? Often we fall in with a therapist who makes us think there is more hope than there is and that can bind us too. It seems like your husband is reinforcing to you that your feelings don’t count. Eventually, you will begin to want more and see that if you are feeling used perhaps he is using you? Then you will begin to reflect on what you need and want. Give yourself time because it does take time to learn to step back to gain clarity…after your life is blown up? You will move toward something in your own time and as you are able. As Diane says be gentle with yourself.
Karen xxHi Pam,
I like the question you pose in your post, why do we stay and put up with it? In general, I think it’s a repeat performance. I know it was for me. My mother had no boundaries, is a narcissist. I learned early on she never listened to a word I said. She talked for me, I had no needs, wasnt even another person, just an extension of herself. To make it worse, she didn’t like herself very much and would often take out her self hatred on me. Therefore, I learned to be mistreated. I had to accept the abuse to survive. I’m not sure, maybe many of us have some type of mistreatment in our backgrounds. It took years and years of therapy to understand myself. My m has our family on a totem pole, I’m at the bottom. I have 3 older brothers and I was the youngest and the only girl. If you google daughters of narcissistic mothers it’s pretty depressing and it was.
Love, Nap
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.