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Last year April both my then 12 year old and 15 year old were viewing pornographic sites but were not doing it together. It just so happened that I discovered it. At the time my SAH was still living with us and naturally my alarm bells rang. I spoke with the boys, reminded them of how I have chatted with them about the dangers etc. I gave them a couple of days to come and chat with me. Nathan (15) wrote me a letter apologising and saying he did not know why he did it but was willing to see a counsellor. Joel cried and apologised and said he doesnt know why he is doing this. I had them seen by a counsellor who assured me that there was nothing to worry about. This also came up with the Family Advocates counsellor, Both the boys mentioned that this was just something that happened and explained that they were not aware of the other. Well today I discovered that pornographic sites were again visited. it went back to two weeks ago. My eldest son had not moved in yet. He also does not know the password on this computer. I sat the two boys down now. told them how disappointed I am that this is happening again since I have discussed with them before the dangers and risks etc. I told them I would give them until Tuesday to come and speak with me about this. I asked them to let me have their cell phones, games etc. Am I doing this right? What would you suggest? I know that as they grow up they will be curious, i understand the need to look may be there and normal, but remember I am on high alert since living with a SAH.
Hi Gail,
I can’t imagine how that must feel, being married to an SA. I believe there are software programs you can install (Covenant Eyes comes to mind) to block inappropriate content on kids’ devices.
I hope that helps. I need to do the same to protect my son from the crap they can stumble onto. Curiosity is normal and healthy, but the pervasiveness of really perverted shit online is scary to say the least.
Amy
I’m so sad this has happened. It is no consolation to know that internet porn viewing is now considered quite “normal” among young people. Are you able to have a discussion with them about human sexuality that is a positive force in life? If the only “information” they receive about sexuality comes from the porn industry it is just so unfair for them. How can we have a conversation about sexual expression that is not about exploiting someone else, that is about expressing love and commitment and joy?
In the meantime, I think holding onto the “tools” until you have those talks is understandable. But the conversation is crucial, particulalry because our own marriages were so full of sexual garbage. Where can they go to learn something else, if not us?you can get a filter for free online: opendns
You can use it to block at the router so it will block all devices in the house. You can customize what it blocks.
Install it.
And then keep talking to them.
You are taking the right steps. I also would make them understand that people, mainly men, do get hooked on this stuff like a drug and tell them you don’t want them to do that NOR do you want them to have a skewed perception of women. If they don’t know about your sa’s situation then use some of your situation from a “someone I know has gotten hooked on this stuff and it has caused x,y,z to their life.” I’ve done that with my younger two. The oldest knows about my sah’s porn use when I told her b/c I wanted to know if she had seen anything on the pc or if the younger two said they had.
These are legit concerns you have and if you are religious don’t forget to mention things at times from how God wants us to live our lives.
They need to understand “harmless” viewing as they have possibly perceived it to be CAN turn into “harmful” viewing.
Thank you for being a concerned parent. Too many just ignore that crap and chalk it up to boys will be boys which all of us here know is a BAD road to be on.
And don’t forget to remind the boys that viewing this crap on a friends pc when the parents are home can start a shit storm they wouldn’t believe if a parent needlessly blames the other parent when in fact it wasn’t the parent who viewed it.
And don’t forget to remind the boys that viewing this crap on a friends pc when the parents aren’t home can start a shit storm they wouldn’t believe if a parent needlessly blames the other parent when in fact it wasn’t the parent who viewed it.
Hi Gail, I am sorry but it is normal for a young boy to be curious. There is no shame there. I watched the video series on the PoSARC site that talked to young people abut the dangers of porn….It was absolutely child appropriate. You might want to check it out and let them watch it.
My boys will be boys comment is in regards to parents who never step in. Yes, I agree the curiosity is normal but it has to be a healthy one I think.
I think if they do it again they need to have a consequence like bye bye computer. They have been warned enough. I also think a blocker. They need strick boundries and know you mean business. Fear is a good motivator, they might think twice and if they do BOOM there goes the computer. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Be consistent.
Love, Napxoi work with IT. I would never have a computer, phone, tablet, whatever in the house without content blocking software, anti-virus software, and spyware software installed and regularly updated and monitored. Covenant eyes, eblaster, – I’ve used net nanny for 6 years now and it’s simple to use, easy to monitor and only $20/year for upgrades. you can lock the internet down to certain times, remotely view or change permissions etc. It has been a partial lifesaver for me.
Unfortunately locking out content is the least of your issues right now. Those boys need to know just how much trouble they can get in by starting off that way… my sa went to prison for 5 years on a minor infraction (wasn’t even sex) and has destroyed his life – employment is hard to find, housing is even worse, he’s off the registry now but depending on a state move he could go back on at any time. His life – and by default our whole family has been affected. I have a friend in the DA’s office in our state that deals with these men on a daily basis and she has stories that could make your head spin. Even them being in the wrong place at the wrong time could land them in legal hell.
That said you can also tell them how much objectifying women can destroy not only them, but society. how corrupt the porn industry is and what it feeds. There is a good series on YouTube of 5 videos documentary style that I watched that were excellent. Also the one that joann has on here “The impact of pornography on women”. I watched it last night. If you teach the kids that their job is to honor and protect women not objectify and somehow get that into their heads it will help. I know their young – but in this day and age you can’t afford to be delicate. (the industry doesn’t care how young they are – it just wants their eyes and their money).
I’m facing the same with my kids in a few short years. I hate that society has turned into this. I really do.
Gail, I would absolutely get a block and then I would think very clearly about the message you want to convey and keep talking to them about it. Really help them understand why you feel it’s wrong. I think they need to understand things such as… It’s not real, this isn’t reflective of a loving relationship between two people, porn is directed toward men and often the images of women are demeaning and certainly not what women really want from the man they love, porn can be addictive, etc etc.
So Joel came into my room last night and admitted that he has been viewing the pornography. I asked him how long this has been and he said since the beginning of the year. Well that said, it means he was not honest with the family advocates counsellor. I have spoken with both of them so many times, highlighted the dangers and objectifying of women etc. So without even reading these messages from my sisters, I followed NAPs suggestion, no internet, no games etc. I also attended a child trauma conference in 2011 and went through the notes which had the details of one of the speakers. this is what her profile says: worked as school psychologist, accredited mediator with FAMAC, areas of expertise child psychology and parenting, mediation, post divorce facilitation, contact and care assessments. i sent her an email. all of the speakers had experience in working with traumatised children. I am awaiting her response.
Hi Gail,
I think you are wise getting rid of the Internet and seeking professional help for Joel (and Nathan). If I’m correct, Joel is only 12 yrs old is that right? His young brain is getting wired for sa if this doesn’t stop now. Most of our h or Xh started young too with porn. The porn today is even worse and more readily available. You are doing the right thing and I admire your strenghth and tenacity.
Love, Nap
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