- This topic has 32 replies, 16 voices, and was last updated 12 years, 5 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
What do you do when your SA is suicidal? Has anyone else had to go through this? Experienced this? How do you deal with their depression?
First know, my SA slit his wrists with a razor blade in Nov 2011. He did it after I confronted him about watching a bad tv show. After hospital, he spent the next 48 hrs on a binge using his mother’s ipad. Oh, and his father went out and bought a jumbo box of 50 razors…what on earth? Anyway, the suicide stuff all started mid last year when everything he did in the past really first hit him. He would call me up crying and crying, all his guilt, hating his life, wishing to be dead. He was then diagnosed with depression and put on anti-depressants. It’s been an added hell for me to deal with – his parents blamed me for his suicide attempt, I carry guilt even though I shouldn’t, and I live in fear about him doing it again, always feeling like I have to walk a fine line with expressing my pain. I have always had to try cope switching quickly between anger/pain to “support mode”. It is so hard to do while in this position and so incredibly stressful. I have had to talk him out of stuff several times – knives, pills, etc. At the same time, I wonder if I’m just being manipulated at times, and have voiced that to him too.
I am so stressed. Ok, the past few days I have pretty much made it very clear to him that even if he chooses “fantasy life” rather than recovery, it isn’t going to be a fantasy for him. Because I will ensure he goes to prison for voyeurism (photographing me naked in the shower without me knowing – very violating for me), and for him visiting nudist websites that also often feature photos of naked children. He says he doesn’t get aroused by the children though, that he’s not a pedophile, but that’s not the point as far I’m concerned – the point is he goes onto those nudist sites that feature that stuff, and I have the proof. I said fantasy life is no longer an option because it won’t actually ever happen. Your ONLY options are recovery or prison. Then he said he chooses death. Then I said even if you kill yourself, I will go to the police with the truth, because your mother will blame me like she did last year, and I will have to set the record straight. Then your family’s entire lives will be turned upside down, as a result of it becoming public about who you really are and what you’ve been done. This doesn’t “end” if you die. Many people’s lives will be deeply forever affected. First he said he doesn’t care. Then a while later he said he “chooses recovery”. Then he said he was going to call up a psychiatrist or psychologist tomorrow.
Then this afternoon, I saw on the phone monitoring app that last night a few hours after we had talked he attempted to go to his favourite website that he’s obsessed with “Voyeurweb”. We have a blocking app on the phone that password blocks access to any apps that I deem risky/inappropriate, including anything that has internet browser access. We have a contract that if tries to get around the phone he has to pay me $600. He tried to get around it by turning the phone off/on and super quickly get into the internet before the blocking app started up – we’re talking 1-2 seconds here.
I called him immediately once I noticed it. I was appalled and it felt like a kick in the gut. I said “Anything to tell me?” And he played dumb and said no. Then I gave him a countdown of 5 seconds before I contact his sponsor myself to tell him about this. He wouldn’t say anything. Then I said fine, and hanged up and contacted his sponsor. Then tried calling my SA back and he wouldn’t answer for quite some time. Then I knew, here we go, into suicide mode. Every time I find out he’s back to his addiction, he goes into suicidal thinking. Then he finally answered and said “What?” and starts telling me he’s been thinking today about ways to kill himself. I said “What ways were you thinking?” to see if he had full plans thought out, and he said “Jumping off the balcony”. The apartment is on the 16th floor. I said if that’s true you need to be in hospital. Then he said no he’s fine, it was just thoughts etc. Then I said, no you need to go there or I will call them to come to you – my therapist advised me to call them myself if he ever talks about suicide, rather than me being the one who has to try to talk him out of it). He chose the option to go there himself, it’s only around the corner, and I stayed on the phone until he was there in the ER. I said be honest with them so they can actually help you.
So he gets seen and talks to the psych nurse. He told them about his thoughts to jump off the balcony, they apparently said because he didn’t actually try it he can go home. Back to the balcony! So basically he would have to first dangled himself off there for them to admit him? It’s just not what I was expecting. Then he calls me once he’s home and says he feels so much better now after talking to the nurses. And he will call them if he feels suicidal again, and they’re going to check in on him in 2 days or something. Now the reality is, if his mood goes downhill again he’s not going to call them, I know this.
Then we talked more and he admitted to me that “choose recovery” was just him manipulating me to avoid prison. But NOW he’s finally “clicked”, and as he was walking home from the hospital said to himself “WTF are you doing???” concerning his addiction, and that he really now truly chooses recovery… and now he’s got to pull his finger out of his ass. Oh my gosh, there’s no way I believe this. Then he said he’s calling a psychologist tomorrow.
My head is pounding. I don’t know what’s really going on, at the same time I’m naturally concerned for him, at the same time I can’t deal with the intense stress on top of everything else.
oh god victoria,
what hell you are in.
i think you are doing some great great things. sending him to others for help is the best thing you can do IMO. this takes the responsibility off of you.
this is NOT your responsibility! he needs to take care of himself.
you are NOT to blame for ANY of this.
detach girlfriend, and let the professionals help him. this is too terrible to be on your shoulders.
i’m so sorry….
Victoria,
It’s time for you to detach. He is in a dire state and only he can decide and walk the walk of recovery. You need to cut off ALL contact. He is sucking the energy out of you – you need to concentrate on YOURSELF. He is a sick puppy and he needs to hit rock bottom.
PLEASE detach. No looking at his cellphone stuff – or worrying about him. He is sucking you into his vortex and I don’t want to see you go down with him.
Deb
Victoria,
You are not responsible for any of it, even if he kills himself. The next time he wants to jump of the balcony, open the door and let him go… Well not really. He is a class one manipulator. He is playing big time with your head. Listen to all your sisters here. I suggest that you leave him, let the professional handle him and his family… You cannot go on on this roller coaster ride. He is using everyone in his path.
Keep talking to us, we love you. (((((HUG))))))Oh Victoria,
I’m so sad for you. This is hell you’re dealing with. I know the logical thing to say is to do like the ladies said and detach. You are so not responsible for his actions. But i understand the stress you are feeling and how badly you want things to get better. You need some face to face support right now. Is there someone you can talk to?
LOVE! Jules
Oh my god, remove yourself from this bullshit. He does not get any better by being able to manipulate you. This is a no-win for you. You get that, right? You CANNOT save him. If you try, you will lose yourself.
victoria, i sent you a message with my phone number, you can call me if you’d like. please look after YOU…
xo
Victoria,
I am in no way qualified to advise you.
My H did try to cut himself as a kid. He put a gun down on the table with his first wife and said “Why don’t you just kill me rather than get a divorce.” He would threaten me that he wanted to kill himself and then go to the pole barn and shoot off one shot. I didn’t run out there, BTW. He told me he took a gun to the river and debated about drowning or shooting. When we were fighting once he put a knife to his heart and said, “Why don’t you just kill me instead of going through this.”
This is all his self-hatred projected onto me and manipulation. When I told my counselor about his suicide threats and tantrums, he backed off that. He doesn’t really want to die. He just doesn’t want to suffer his depression and whatever else is his problem. I can’t fix it though and I shouldn’t be abused with his threats. Neither can you.
Entering into it by asking him what he was thinking about doing to himself gives him power over you. It’s exactly what he wants.
His family is poison for you.
My sister’s H just crossed over into predatory behavior. That is when she finally left. She knows she has to report his violating her in her sleep (sticking his dick in her mouth, then acting like nothing happened) because there has been a CPS report of abuse in her home against her grandson. It isn’t a private preference, it is criminal.
Your BF is engaging in criminal behavior too.
Many of the women here have had to dig for the truth, science and psychology, in order to process what has happened to us. You are so bright. You have it all figured out, like me.
Will you answer some question’s here? According to all your research and his behavior regarding recovery, what do you expect is his long term outcome? What does your future look like with him there?
I understand the self torture.
With my deepest concern,
Love, Debora
Thanks. How do I emotionally detach? I hate that it’s been so easy for him to detach from me, but near impossible for me to detach from him. I know it’s the only logical thing to do, and I envy the sisters who have done that. I wish there was a magic pill I could take? I think meeting someone new is the only way I’m ever going to be able to do it.
The past few weeks he’s often admitted to me about masturbating using his head, which I had been able to not care about and not feel personally hurt by, which was a good step for me – but him attempting to go to that damn website was an escalation, and it gets to me so much because the majority of women on there have NO idea their photos are up there, they have no idea a bunch of pervs are photographing them, looking at them and invading them. Ugh, he hadn’t been on there for many many months. It was a shock.
Thank you both Jules and Lisa for your private messages too – I will get back to you both shortly!
I have an appointment tomorrow with my therapist. I feel I can’t even really talk too much to my family, because they just don’t understand and trying to explain it all makes me more exhausted and frustrated. However, I did get a slight mental break tonight, which was really helpful and timely – my youngest sister came back from Doha, Italy, and Greece, and she bought me presents which she gave to me tonight – Chanel and YSL makeup.
With recovery or prison, I wasn’t coming up with a plan/scheme in my mind to try save him, even though of course I’d prefer that he recover. I just do not want him to get away with doing what he’s done and living a blissful paradise fantasy in the end. To me, it’s like a rapist being sentenced to an island vacation rather than prison. It feels impossible to live with that. That he gets to go back to that life scott free, after ruining my life, stealing my reality, causing me to lose so much, hurting me, violating me. Am I nuts to think this way?
I asked him what he thought about doing to himself because the suicide prevention info for families says to ask the person if they have a plan. I thought that was what I had to do.
I feel like the outside world doesn’t take it serious that he did the voyeurism shit to me – because we lived together, saw me naked often, and the assumption is it must have been playful fun or innocent. A lot of things I’ve read is that the man tests it out on the woman closest to him first, like a “test run”.
Deborah, my answers to your questions are – I don’t see him ever recovering. He’s not in the 5%. I do think his chances would be better if he didn’t have depression. I expect his long term outcome to be he lives an amazing life with prostitutes. Unless I meet someone new before be does that, I see myself becoming very depressed and back in full blown PTSD again, debilitated, worse than I’ve ever had before too from the strippers which has been very bad. I fear this outcome for me. I really do. I don’t know how I’ll get through it.
So sorry for this latest round of madness, Victoria. I do hope you won’t base your chances of survival on ‘meeting someone new’ – girl, you have all of the strength right there inside of YOU to do this thing. Don’t wait on Prince Charming. So many of them aren’t all that princely. Love, Liza
Victoria – I’m so sorry about this latest turn of events. It must be very hard for you. Big hugs…..and if you need to talk, please call me. I’m used to my Australian friends waking me up. You are wonderful…..and don’t deserve all this crap. And you will get through to the light at the end of the tunnel – but you have to start walking.
Deb
BTW – Melody Bettie’s books really helped me….she’s the co-dependent goddess. I like the “Language of Letting Go” and “Co-Dependent No more” – go read them.
It’s easy for them to detach because they were never attached in the first place. It’s hard for people with a normal emotions to understand this because our heart is in our hand. When we do or say something our intention and emotions are in agreement. No so with the pd’s. They compartmentalize and live outside in rather than inside out. It’ll drive you crazy to try to think like he thinks.
I don’t think he’ll be living a happy life if you separate. I’ve heard that many times on this site and I’ve thought that too. He will find someone else that will go through what you are going through. I just picked up where his first wife left off, same with LynnG, etc. I think that might be a cognitive distortion. What we fear might happen, so we don’t act in accordance with the facts.
I’m sorry if I said something wrong about the suicide stuff. I didn’t know that the prevention people say to ask about their ideation. I just know that for me, I had to tell on him and not react to it to make it go away. My H learned that behavior from his Grandpa who would lock himself in the bedroom with a gun and scare the shit outta his wife and kids.
The meeting someone new is interesting. Living in such a dysfunctional setting has skewed my reality. I think if I were to be in a healthy loving give and take reltaionship, I could heal. Fearing that it will never happen causes me great distress. Or that this will happen again.
Debora
I am speaking based on my own experience with my own xh because suicide is a serious issue. However, based on my own experience with my xh, when all else failed, he pulled out the ‘suicide card’. From him, I’ve seen it more than once. For him, it was a cruel form of manipulation. Finally, I said, ok I’m calling 911, then poof, he’s not suicidal anymore. Now today, if my xh called me and said he was going to kill himself, I’d just say “okay, have a nice death”.
I’m right there with you NAP. I’ve heard this so much from Larry, and, being a nurse, I do take these threats seriously.
But, now I realize that I am not responsible for whatever he does, even taking his own life. That is NOT anything that I can control, but I think they try to control US with that ‘ace in the hole’ card.
If I knew about it when it was happening (Larry always relates it to me after the fact–‘I was ‘thinking’ about hanging myself and shooting myself in the head at the same time but I couldn’t find a good tree’–sorry I just can’t help laughing at that one) I would call 911 and have him put away for three days (most states have involuntary confinement in a psych facility if they are a threat to themselves or others).
We cannot allow these men to hold us hostage with their threats. We cannot let them prey upon our concern and caring and fear.
I know it’s difficult, but that ability to not let anyone take advantage of us comes when we regain our sense of self and self confidence that they have stolen from us.
~ JoAnn
Joann and nap are so right. I have lived with a mother that has tried suicide ( serious attempts) 3 times. She uses lame attempts to control the family and feed her narcissism. I have learned the hard way ..There is NOTHING you can do.
I had two cousins who killed themselves. They never announced they were going to do it. They just did it.
My STBX did the threaten suicide thing a number of times to manipulate me. I’m with NAP, I’d just say “Well, bye then.” or something now.
One of my daughter’s friends actually did kill himself and he also didn’t announce it- just did it. A good friend of mine in high school did the same thing (but his dad came home work from early by chance and was able to save him). I know he didn’t say anything because I spend the afternoon with him and was the last person to see him before his attempt.
I know it’s hard, but he has to save himself. You cannot do it for him.
Argh!!! Victoria I am so angry for you. Not a professional assessment, just my gut reaction: This is just pure and simple manipulation tactics. BUT suicide threats have to be taken seriously. Which is perfect for you, because with the next one you are completely justified in calling 911 for appropriate treatment and precautions. You can even say “I am concerned for you. This is a serious threat to your safety and I have called professional help. They are on their way.” Sit down and don’t interact further. When help gets there, thank them, and tell your SAH and “I am leaving now because… I faint at the site of blood, you make me crazy, I might help you,” … I dunno, something that makes sense at the time.
Or a flat, simple “Goodbye”
This sounds so simplistic. Not a diagnosis, as I am not qualified, but my gut response to this which is supported by the other sisters is that what he wants is attention and he is getting it in spades with this game. When he learns that this threat means nobody looking at him except a big angry EMT guy with a clipboard in his hand, then a 24/7 hospital tech on psyche floor duty and pissed, he’ll stop.
DO NOT VISIT HIM IN THE HOSPITAL. Psyche floors have tight visitation rules, anyway. It won’t be hard to say “I missed visiting hours” or something. Make him do the whole stay without a sympathetic ear.
You treat him so well. I can’t help feeling he takes advantage of this and he’s very accustomed to it. When he loses that for his minimum hospital stay he’ll start to re-evaluate his tactics and maybe you will get at least a little peace.
Stop the madness! What a manipulator and con artist. Please take care of yourself and your own well-being.
Thanks for your advice, everyone.
Well, I haven’t given him any attention, no asking how he’s feeling or anything regarding his depression. Although, I did again bring up the topic of manipulation to him. I certainly no longer have it within me to put on a “therapist/support” act. I used to feel I had to because there was literally no one else. It’s like I felt forced to step entirely out of my situation and shut down everything that had happened to me. Near impossible. Now all I have to possibly offer is my hurt, pain, anger. I am not particularly nice to him on the phone.
I have always felt lately that it’s manipulation. At the same time, inside I have felt guilty for thinking that way, worrying if I’ve turned cold or heartless. I’ve always been a sensitive, empathetic, compassionate person by nature, although never much of a caretaker. So this stuff does have the power to mess with my mind, especially the fear of him going through with it.
The first time he attempted suicide, he didn’t tell anyone, but it always seems to be a spur of the moment type thing when he’s extremely overwhelmed, as opposed to any long term planning. He can’t emotionally handle anything.
I just hate that I get blamed from his parents for whatever he does. I’m to blame for all his problems, I’m to blame for his addiction, I’m to blame for his depression, I’m to blame for his suicide attempt. I felt that has really added to my trauma – they made me question myself, what type of awful human am I, is all this worth him dying over, am I the nutcase here, etc. The shit they pulled has now put me on the backfoot, so it’s why I feel I need to tread carefully with whether he’s serious or not, to protect myself in the event he actually is. I would never say “Go kill yourself” for that reason.
His sister’s friend committed suicide a few years ago, and the sister was actually blamed and investigated by the police because they found bullying notes from her to the girl. It was on the front page of the newspaper here.
All I can do is instruct him to go to the hospital or call them myself. It pisses me off that they didn’t admit him. I also wonder if he likes the attention from the nurses and docs?
I know I sound all over the place here.
You don’t sound all over the place- you sound scared to me. Understandably so.
And I am sure he gets lots of attention in the hospital.
Highlight every portion of every book on SA that talks about this shit stemming from childhood trauma send those to Mrs. “Sneak him an Ipad”.
Victoria,
I agree, you don’t sound all over the place. I agree with Teri, you sound scared and understably so. His family is no help, in fact they add to your fears and trauma. I hope you’re able to go ‘no contact’ with these people because they sound abusive and they likely caused the reason for all his issues. Thinking of you, NapYeah, very true, I am feeling scared.
I just saw correspondence between him and another SA friend of his – this guy has also been suicidal in the past. My SA was saying to him that besides jumping, he had also been looking for places in the apartment that would be strong enough for him to hang himself. And the only thing that has stopped him is fear.
He doesn’t know I can see this, so it’s not an attempt here to manipulate me.
I am even more scared now and feeling ill.
He hasn’t made the psych appointment yet.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.