Suicidal SA

Thanks Bev and NAP.

Here’s an update. I have had an intensely stressful week.

He was planning to hang himself with a bedsheet and had looked through the bathroom roof in the manhole for a water pipe, as well as the wardrobe rail to see if it would support his weight. He did not know I knew this.

The other day I found out he specifically went to a store and bought bed sheets and a belt. My heart was beating out of my chest when I discovered this. He made several excuses to me that his sheets had turned yellow (but he has dark navy sheets) and that his sheets look too childish etc, that he needs a spare set. Obviously, with me knowing of the plan, I immediately asked him to go straight to hospital. He refused. Insisted he had no plan and had never searched for places in the apartment. Swears he’s perfectly fine, actually happy – which is a warning sign for someone with a suicide plan. He was different, I can’t explain it – but knowing that he was lying to me about so much and indeed had these plans in his head, I was literally shaking scared, inside my gut I knew this was for real.

I slowly ended up getting it gently out of him, he tells me about the idea of hanging himself, but insisted he had never made ANY plans or preparations though, that he was being 100% honest, that’s he feeling really good and not depressed AT ALL. That it’s just a coincidence he bought those things. Then I’m able to get it out of him about the wardrobe, then eventually going up into the bathroom manhole, and finally he mentions about the plan was using bed sheets. He said he was ashamed. That he likes people to think he’s ok, even though he’s not. He didn’t tell the psych nurse either – they would have admitted him if he had been honest. Then as I was talking to him, his mother calls him.

The hospital crisis assessment team had been trying to contact him – but it seems he gave them the wrong number – so they called his mother instead because her number was on file from the first time he was there last year. She had NO reaction, absolutely nothing but that it’s so nice of the hospital to bother to call – ugh WTF, right. So you find out again that your son is suicidal again and so rather than be concerned for him, just focus on how nice and lovely the hospital protocol is. It’s the fucking CAT team, it’s their normal duty to try locate/follow up the suicidal patient. And she’s apparently more interested about “How’s the relationship? Making any headway? Has Victoria ‘come around’ yet?”

He finally calls up the psychiatrist to make an appointment and faxes his referral – a professor that specializes in addiction/depression. They have to call him back though to make a time because the psych is super busy.

Then he calls up the hospital CAT team who had been trying to get in contact with him for days. Tells me he was honest with them and filled them in about his plan – which is important for them to know as the risk obviously goes dramatically up as they move from 1) suicide ideation to 2) planning the suicide, to 3) collecting the necessary equipment, and then finally 4) trying to commit suicide.

But he lied to me, and didn’t actually inform them.

His mother works at the basketball stadium. He went there that night to play the final game with his team, then spoke to her after the game. He told her about ideas of jumping off the balcony and hanging himself, but not specifying that he was actually looking for a place to do it. She says it’s great he’s feeling better now. Nothing to worry about here! Then praises him for taking the initiative to go the hospital himself, that he seems and sounds fine. This woman does not react or care – other than to sweep things away or make everything seem “fine”. She UNDER reacts to everything. Even if he had a suicide vest strapped on, she’d say it’s all OK, he’s fine!

I sat and contemplated, should I contact her myself? Should I not? Will it make only make things worse? Will it help? I had essentially cut off all contact with his parents for many months because of the hell storm they had put me through. However, I decided that I should in order to cover myself, so she can’t ever say I didn’t tell her about his situation. So I politely text her a long detailed message about what’s happened, that I made him go to the hospital last week, that he didn’t want to. That he was preparing for ways to kill himself. Not just depressed thoughts, actual planning/preparing. Explained that he has told me he prefers for people not to worry about him, that’s why he pretends to everyone he’s feeling OK, especially to family. Tried to get across the point that she needs to be concerned. She simply replies back “Don’t worry. He’s told me everything”.

I have just needed them to take it seriously. I just want someone else from his life to give a shit – because I cannot carry all this on my own. I have felt even more that I’m in the twilight zone because no one takes it seriously from his side. The mother also keeps it hidden from his siblings – a nurse and a psychology grad – doesn’t want to “upset” them.

I have had so much anxiety and have been up several nights feeling sick with worry and high stress. My mother and sisters have also been worried about him. Regardless of what’s happened, I have not wanted to him to suicide. Our story, albeit awful, I do not want to end in this way. I am the only one with the extra keys to the apartment. I do not want to find his body. I have been traumatized enough by him. I couldn’t sleep the other night because all I could see was images of him hanging.

I spoke to my therapist. I ended up calling the hospital CAT team myself to update them about the truth – everything that he never divulged to them, plus I vented about his parents to them too. It felt so good talking to them. Such a relief. They’re in charge now. It feels not all on my shoulders anymore. They called him to ask if he’d be interested in having a home visit every few days from the team until he can meet with the psychiatrist, a common alternative to hospitalization, but he said no.

I’ve been trying to do things for me to reduce my stress levels, painting my nails and giving myself a manicure, going to the supermarket, buying shoes, having coffee at a cafe — might look bizarre, my SA on the brink of killing himself, yet I’m doing these things – but my therapist spent a lot of time with me this week helping me understand that it’s OK to take time out even in crisis mode, it’s important to be centred, even if it means spending 2 minutes with my feet on the ground and focusing on my breathing. That looking after my physical health from the chronic high stress I’ve been under is so important.