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So here’s the routine. Just in case one of my precious sisters needs this:
1. Wake up, open eyes: realize you are alive.
2. I imagine a clock face and the hands going around for a full day. Then I ask myself whether I’m going to commit to live this day no matter what. (So far I have only delayed saying yes)
3. When something crappy happens in the day I feel my feelings and identify them with their names because when I do, then I can get out from under them long enough to tell myself it’s going to pass. I walk, or listen to special music, or look at my fabric collection or pictures of my sons, or make myself some tea.
4. Make a point to notice a beautiful, wondrous or special thing–maybe a cloud, or my cats long whiskers, a flower (yes I know it sounds lame but it works) and I say thank you for it.
5. If I feel myself feeling the day hasnt’ been that good, I tell myself that I have another day tomorrow to try again, and that it will likely be better. And it usually is.
6. Before I fall asleep I often write in my journal, talk out loud to my Creator, praise myself for honouring my commitment to the day.I am also glad you are here Diane. Thank you Catherine. I get despondent thinking I can’t take anymore. I too have never comtemplated suicide. But the very real pain of this life is hard to bear. I had no idea about PTSD till I found SOS. I think I have suffered from this for most of my life, just didn’t know what it was.
Yes, I’ve felt that way repeatedly since dday. Not that I want to kill myself, but that I would just like to be gone. Disappear. I’m too tied to my kids to ever do anything to myself, but I used to be a little afraid of flying. Now, when the plane takes off, I think, “bring it on”. Ready to go. I hope that changes soon.
Im not ready to die but some days I don’t really want to live either. I have days when I just want to sleep. I don’t want to be a part of the world. I don’t have a stomach for the fight.
Monique, I am very sorry for what you have endured. I survived child abuse too, emotional and psychological. You may find it helpful to read Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman. And if you haven’t already, you may find it helpful to read more about symptoms of PTSD here:
http://www.ptsd.va.gov/professional/pages/dsm5_criteria_ptsd.aspDiane, I lost my god brother to cancer 3 months ago. He was my first ever friend. He fought so hard to live, and via him I am acutely aware about how incredible it is just to be here — life is a miracle and gift.
Hey, Diane,
I didn’t read all the posts, but I just wanted to add a big hug for you. And a thanks for speaking about the hard things and opening up about your own struggles and feelings.I have hard days, too. Something that NAP said shortly after I joined sticks with me. That she had thought about dying but then realized that she didn’t want to be dead, she just wanted to escape the pain. So when I get overwhelmed, I try to think of ways to escape for now, to get me over the hump.
My son is the greatest source of distraction, but he is also the reason for my worst distress as I worry about the impact all this is having on him. I would never ever do this, but I can understand why people flee the country and why some might consider murder-suicide. I would never do either, but I have much more empathy for people who have gone those routes.
Diane, I would never want you to leave us, but I wonder if things would be different if you could walk away from all things SA-related. Sometimes I wonder about that for myself. I have dealt with SA in my father and now doc e for all of my life. I don’t know if I am called to help others or if I need to just get away from it. Will I feel guilt if I don’t help with all I know and all I can share? Can I find fulfillment doing something else? Will helping others mean that I keep dredging up my own pain? Will SA always be a part of my life or can I move on and leave it all behind?
I think it best to leave it behind if possible.
I think we all feel those things from time to time. Whether it is full fledged suicidal or just a general malaise and “meh” attitude. It goes away for me when I put it all down and find things I am happy/excited about. It is a matter of redefining our happiness. I don’t know if that makes sense but it’s sort of like being young and playing with dolls then outgrowing it. It was fun. It was my life. It’s over and that’s okay. Something comes along to claim our passion and our interests. We all need an outlet for our gifts and talents. Lisa has her music. Some have their art. Some write, some cook, some read, some make websites so we have a safe place to share. We all have a talent and a joy inside of us.
You can always tell when a sister is doing something that they love. Their post almost sizzles with joy and excitement. Their tone changes. Their writing style changes. They change.
There is life after SA. We are all capable of finding it even just a small piece at a time……..Hope this made sense. It’s kind of disjointed 🙂
I had a scary moment when I was on Sullivan’s Island after disclosure. It was on Friday – one week after disclosure. I had tried calling my h for hours on Thursday night and he never picked up – I was panicky and frantic – I had 2 questions that I wanted to ask. I tried calling his cell and our home phone every 15 minutes until 3:30am – total crazy – I know, but I was over the edge for sure and hanging on by my finger tips. Friday morning I started calling again – still he did not pick up. Finally at 8:30 I sent a text saying that if I did not hear from him by 9am I was going to call the police to come and check to see if he had even made it home from MD. I got a text right back (asshole). He still refused to take my call and said he would call me after his therapy session that afternoon. I was crazy off the chain at this point. I went into the bathroom and saw all of my prescription bottles sitting around the sink – anti depressent, sleeping pills, anxiety pills, BP pills, and I thought “you MFPOS! I have to take all of these because of you!” I began thinking that I just couldn’t live like this any more. The pain was taking my breath away. I couldn’t sleep – even with pills. I was having panic attacks, and when I tried to slow my breathing, horrible visuals of him intruded my thoughts. I couldn’t eat without terrible stomach cramps immediately. So I opened the bottles and started counting how many pills I had. I poured them into my hand and kind of shook them around. I thought that I could make a large G&T in my thermal cup, go up to the beach, swallow the pills, have my iced cold G&T and just go to sleep for ever. And then as loud as if she was in the room, I heard my Mom say, “Oh no you don’t. You’re Patty Flood’s girl, and you are MUCH stronger then this.” So I put them all back in their bottles. Washed my face, put on shorts and a t-shirt and went off on my bike. I felt the wind in my face, the sun on my skin and I knew right then, that I was going to choose ME! I had never had thoughts of ending my life, EVER! It scared me. That day I paid for another week on the island, and I started looking for a place at the beach to move to. And here I am less than 4 weeks later. Living at the beach, riding my bike everywhere and feeling a peace and contentment I haven’t known in a very long time.
Patty Flood is my wonderful Mom. She died when she was 57 and I was 7mo pregnant with my first child. She was married to an alcoholic, unfaithful, Dr. (my dad) for 30+ years. He divorced her months before she died of Lymphoma. She was beautiful, fun, strong and full of life. She wanted to live. She was the mother of 7 children in 9 years (good Irish Catholic). She loved to laugh and sing and dance and people were so drawn to her. When I have faced tough times, I say to myself – It will be ok – you’re Patty Flood’s girl. I owe it to her to choose me. To live a wholehearted life for myself and my children. I scared myself that Friday, but I believe she was watching out for me. She gave me the courage I needed to choose me, and I am forever grateful.Thanks all of you for some brave sharing. I think it helps us to look after each other when we can talk about these things. And I do believe this is a critical piece for any kind of caring for partners.
Teri, I remember NAP’s post too, because it is exactly what many people say who attempt suicide. They didn’t want to die, they just wanted the pain to stop.
I also think there is a lot more work to be done on why PTSD hits some of us harder than others—and we aren’t in competition here but Barbs book does does talk a little about this. Previous traumas, longer term relationships, and the nature of the betrayal can mean that some people just have a worse time recovering. That’s one of the reasons why I don’t want to know all the details with a full disclosure. I know I will never get past them. And so in this whole disclosure model I think women should be aware that you can’t put the worms back in the can, and that it is a mental health issue to consider letting them out.
IMOand yes, Trish, you made my concern very real and immediate for all of us. Thank you and thank you Patty Flood!
Trish, that story gave me goosebumps and got me crying ALL before my morning coffee. 😥 I have NO doubt your mom was right there with you. Incredible!
Thank you Patty Flood, for an amazing daughter who carries your strength and wisdom in her spirit and your song in her smile.
And Diane, I keep saying that, because of the damage from things I found. When you know it’s bad enough to end the marriage anyway, sometimes it’s not worth the permanent scars to keep digging. It’s a natural thing to do, but it’s dangerous.
Diane, I’m glad you brought this up. It’s a difficult thing to talk about, because people worry that we’re suicidal or horribly depressed. I’m not either of those things, but I’ve developed a mindset where I won’t be around a whole lot longer. Teri called it a ‘foreshortened sense of the future,’ which is a good way to put it. I’m just so exhausted, without a whole lot to show for it. I don’t know if it’s all part of PTSD, but it’s oddly not a bad feeling, and has been helping me live more in the moment and appreciate all the little things. Maybe it’s some sort of protective mechanism, dunno. But life just feels different somehow. Not bad, just different and a little unreal. xoxo
p.s. Trish, that was such a beautiful tribute to your mom.
I know how you feel Ann. I am so tired. Just exhausted. I have always been a fighter.It’s like the fighter in me has gone down for the count. The only thing that even gets me up in the morning, besides the fact I can’t fucking sleep, is my kids need me. Calm and stable. I fight every second to keep going. Trish that was a beautiful story.. you have done brilliantly. An awesome thing for me to hope for one day myself.
“foreshortened sense of the future”
Brilliant Teri!!!
That’s key insight and understanding and like Anniem, I totally get that. I thought maybe I just getting old.Diane – you are a Goddess and I thank you so much for starting this thread. It is incredibly difficult for me to admit that I’ve been having these types of thoughts off & on for the past few months. I didn’t want to post about it b/c I didn’t want anyone to think I’m suicidal b/c I don’t think I am in any way, shape or form. Yet, as some of the sisters have said, I just want to go to sleep for a long time to make the pain go away. So posting & creating a dialogue is so incredibly helpful to me and apparently to a lot of the sisters on here.
I will say, that the old adage “tomorrow is another day” is so true. It’s hard when you’re in the thick of a depression or saddness to believe in that but it is true. Lately, I’ve been in a really good place (and hoping it will last) and really starting to see the silver lining in all this. I would never ever want to go through this but now that I have, I see how strong I really am. Because of this, I’ve deepened friendships with long-time friends and have become better friends with newer friends. I’ve been reminded how wonderful my parents are for their love & support and I see that I will come out of this okay. A friend told me recently that she sees this inner strength in me and has seen me shine in a way that I have never before.
Is it what I had dreamed for my life? Absolutely not but I will go on and make something better of my life. I am just waking up to what those possiblities can be. I think we can all do that but it’s baby steps, taking things day by day and getting the help & care we need to be healthy.
Yeah Annie — “Sense of forshortened future” is a common PTSD symptom.
It was written that way in DSM IV, under numbing/avoidance cluster, but in the new DSM 5 it’s been reframed under “persistent (and often distorted) negative beliefs and expectations about oneself or the world” in an effort to expand the breadth. Just clarifying the changes, in case anyone was wondering if they read the VA link.
For the first year of my PTSD from this trauma, my sense of a forshortened future was very literal. Time ahead no longer existed. There was no guarantee of tomorrow. I could only see and conceive one day. Beyond that was absolutely nothing, no future in the world for anyone, as if the calendar that was saying there was a next week, next month, was lying. Pretty scary. Better with that now — time slowly began to stretch out and exist.
FC, that is really inspiring. And sometimes it feels strange to think there is a silver lining in all this, but I believe there is, or can be. There is a quote by Albert Camus that I love, so this is for you, FC:
“In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.” xoxoYou girls are all amazing. A special thank you to Patty Flood who gave us the beautiful Trish. xo
Diane I think your D Day is today??? I’m thinking about youxoThanks Catherine–xo–I’m so grateful for your kind thoughts.
Yes. Today is it. Four Years.
I have appreciated the strong brave voices on this thread very much. It’s been encouraging.
Thank you all for being there over these past four years.
I’m still learning and trying to share what I see, feel, and think, from four years out. I don’t think I would have made it without you—even with our struggles to understand each other sometimes. And a special thanks to the newer sisters who are brimming with new clarity, and inner strength. It makes it worthwhile to know things are different, even if its just a little bit different than it was.
Diane.xo
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