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My trauma therapist appointment went okay a few days ago. She’s nice and validating. She agreed I’m going through a real death – of my life, the man I loved and thought I knew, my relationship.
She’s never seen or treated a partner of a sex addict before. So I feel like I need to explain so much, bring her into this whole very different world. I wish I could see a therapist who explains it all to me, rather than me always explaining it all to them, because it feels like an added weight on my shoulders. I explained how there’s no specialized treatment for SA’s or partners down here like there is overseas, and how much further immense damage and re-traumatization has been done to me by the previous 3-4 therapists because of their major misunderstandings about the addiction and my needs as a partner.
She said can’t SA just be treated using an overall simple addiction model? Isn’t that essentially enough and any therapist with substance addiction education would understand them? I said it’s so much more complex than that. SA’s are deeply disturbed in very specific ways and this is a unique addiction that directly kills the spouse/partner’s soul like no other addiction does. Partners need specific things to heal including full disclosure and a polygraph, setting boundaries, we suffer extensive ongoing trauma, and dealing with an SA is a rollercoaster of hell and intense pain, especially if they’re not in full recovery.
I want to explain to my new therapist what my SA is really like, beyond “he’s addicted and chooses porn and strippers over me”. She probably won’t have much time to read any books about SA or do research on her own, so I really think it’s best for my treatment that she first has a solid picture about how an SA generally operates, so I will feel more confident that she understands my life and daily pain/struggle.
Beyond the basic typical addict qualities, eg. numbing as a coping mechanism and compulsive lying, how would you describe an SA? I want to compose and print a quick summary list for her to read. Is there anything I’m missing here?
Narcissistic / Self-centered
Emotionally immature
Emotionally abusive
Stunted ability to love partner
Compartmentalize
Double life
No empathy
Never understand the severity of the pain/damage they inflict on partner
Drip feed the truth / Staggered disclosures
Fear intimacy
– SA is an intimacy disorder
– Inability to properly bond/attach in real relationships
– No intimacy during sex with partner
Fantasize about porn or other women while having sex with partner
Objectify and sexualize all women
Scan women everywhere
Keep an endless supply of porn images in mind
Carnes core beliefs of SAs
Escalation levels 1, 2, 3
Progressive
Dissociate or depersonalize – in trance-like state when acting out, auto pilot mode
Seek dopamine high – SA is technically a chemical addiction
Very hard for them to recover
Easy for them to fake recovery
No clear outward signs – easy to hide this addiction/relapse
Passive
Isolate themselves
Stuck in fantasy world
Obsessive
Cruel
Detached emotionally
Control & manipulate partner’s reality and perceptions / Gaslight – make her distrust her own instincts and sanity
Financially irresponsible
Mask is worn throughout relationship – a “perfect guy” facadeVery concise Victoria
How about tne fact that they actually get off on betraying their partner? It increases the thrill for them. How sick is that? I think they call it erotisized rage. I call it pathological.
If I were a therapist who didn’t understand sex addiction, and a woman came to me with that list and told me she was still living with the man, I think I’d 1013* her for being a danger to herself.
*involuntary hospitalization
March- love it. When you put it all out there in black and white, it seems so obvious, doesn’t it?
And yet it still doesn’t quite sum up the essence of sex addiction and the impact on the partner. How your whole foundation is ripped to shreds by the person who is supposed to be your protector and partner. Your identity disintegrates and you are left not knowing who you are, who he is, what just happened over the last x number of years. You lose your past and your future. You are left not knowing what or who you can trust- even yourself. And how all that is made so much worse by their depravity, the depth of their lies, the danger to which they’ve exposed you, their lack of morality and boundaries.
It’s almost too much to get your head around, which is why I think we keep trying to make them human, something we understand, someone with feelings and compassion. They are inhuman- they have lost the capacity to feel and to love.
Layers of defense mechanisms built up over time by the SA
Mine was a sociopath(no conscience)
Mine had the ‘SA rage’
Passive aggressive
Emotionally rejecting behavors
High risk of sexually transmitted diseases and behaviors
Danger to self and others
Mine used to deflect the subject back to my faults whenever I broached the subject of pa and getting help before I kicked him out the first year. He stopped then started up again over the summer which was a red flag to me. Another reason I put a gps device on his car then caught him at the bookstore Mar 10….Oh and they also think when they’re busted that they have a handle on it and can control it once it’s identified which they cannot.
So why am I still here? Why am I trying to work this out? Wtf is wrong with me? Maybe I do need to be committed !!
Victoria, that’s a great list. And what you said to your therapist, “said it’s so much more complex than that. SA’s are deeply disturbed in very specific ways and this is a unique addiction that directly kills the spouse/partner’s soul like no other addiction does. Partners need specific things to heal including full disclosure and a polygraph, setting boundaries, we suffer extensive ongoing trauma, and dealing with an SA is a rollercoaster of hell and intense pain, especially if they’re not in full recovery,” that’s perfect. And you know, even if they do stop ‘acting out’ and enter recovery, there comes a whole other pain for us, because the problems that made them ‘act out,’..God I hate that expression.. don’t go away just because they stop doing it. And we might have been able to deal with those problems on their own…rationalized that we have plenty of problems ourselves..but now we have to deal with that while incredibly traumatized and disoriented. Diane had a great post on JoAnn’s other site, ‘Drowning in the Shallow End of Recovery,’ which described it perfectly. xoxo
2/3 of your list is addict behaviors common among any addiction. For instance ALL addicts are narcissists.; they all escalate; lead a double life, etc.
Sex addicts are just like any other addict. Particularly behavior addictions because they are almost solely caused by warped thinking. (although crack addicts have their own warped thinking too!) They are most like shopping addicts and people with eating disorders in the sense that people need to shop and eat and have sex. So you can’t just stop using the substance. It’s not that simple. It also can be comparable to a gambling addict in that it IS very easy to hide it. There isn’t necessarily any “signs.”
When comparing it to other addictions… sex addiction has a little of this addiction and a little of that addiction. Otherwise, in spite of what they may think, SA’s aren’t particularly “special.”
If she is very knowledgeable about addictions, I think explaining it that way makes it fairly simple to understand.
What IS unique is how it effects the partner and their sense of self esteem and self worth. Because it is SOOOO personal in nature the spouse is deeply traumatized in ways other addict spouses are not. THIS is what I’d concentrate on. YOU. Because it is your therapy. Get the quick SA addiction explanation out of the way and move on to what is really important… you.
Thanks for all your input! I’m not trying to convey they are “special”, however, I think there is a certain insidious dark side to SA compared to other addictions, at least that has been my experience. Cumulative, it equals a horror story. Plus the dangerous escalation risk of SA – think level 3, rape and sexual assault – that’s rarely the path of other addictions.
Other qualities they have, also for most addicts —
Victim mentality
Low self-esteem
Delusional
Sense of entitlementMarch, yeah. I moved out and no longer with him. So I might miss out on the 1013. I know I can never live with him again while he has these qualities.
NAP, so your SA never have a conscience at any time? My SA doesn’t have one when he’s deep in his addiction, which he admits to me, but once he gets sober it does start to slowly re-awaken. I too thought he was a sociopath. I think I may have read somewhere though, that the longer the addiction goes on, the more they end up with a deadened conscience. It literally kills their ability to have a conscience. Am curious if anyone else has read or been told this?
I’ve already given my therapist a long list about the terrible ways I’ve been affected and injured by my SA. So she is aware – but for me, after so much past/recent pain, betrayal and added trauma inflicted from therapists who are not trained or fully educated in SA, including even a forensic psychologist who works with sex offenders, I need to make sure my new therapist is at least well informed of the nature of this problem in my life. My crash course list for her is for my own security so I don’t get any BS backwards advice. It’s not for me to stay focusing on him, promise that. My main reason for choosing this therapist is because she specializes in PTSD.
Dear Victoria,
I am not sure if this is something that would work for you, but some of the best advice I have received have been from counslers that deal with chemical Addictions. I mean my stxh has substance abuse issues as well, so it was appropriate. But I will tell you, chemical Addiction counslers, boy, they don’t believe a WORD of the addict’s sh*t. NOT A WORD. Accountability is hard ball with them. most are recovered addicts so they know every manipulative tool under the sun. SA’s use these tools in the exact same way. And every wife of a chem dependency user, has been betrayed also – their H has taken up with a new lover – meth , alcholol, whatever it is. But that H is no longer “her husband”. He belongs to his substance of choice.
And while SA is different, because it is sex and affects the marriage on such a deep level, the tools, lying manipulation are the same. run of the mill therpists just don’t get it.
Any rehab centers near you? That can counsel a partner of an addict? might be worth a try. I found a lot of validation and enlightenment.
Example– drug counsler told H, when he was complaining about me, and why he’s done the things he’s done. The message was strong. “you chose to do it. you cannot blame her. you need to take total responsiblilty. and look at your own behavior. until you do, you are dancing around recovery and not committed. get serious about it. cuz right not you are not.”
They were 1000% right.
Thanks Pam. The plan was originally to see my new trauma therapist for EMDR, in conjunction with seeing my prev therapist – the forensic psych who worked with sex offenders in prisons, drug rehabs, has a chem addiction client base, with apparently an IQ of 170, and claims to now “specialize” mostly in treating SAs – although hadn’t read any Carnes material until I told her about him. We both saw her individually on a weekly basis because she was the only one in our state who appeared to somewhat “get it”. Plus she knew a lot about voyuerism and exhibitionism, which my SA escalated to. She also said straight away to us in our first introduction session that for most partners it can be like having PTSD.
For 11 months we have been her clients. But then 2 weeks ago I found out, with evidence, that this prev therapist was betraying me and blaming me for his addiction behind my back. She literally told him I am the crux of all his problems, I am the reason he can’t recover, and he would have a much easier happier life without me. This is while she knew he was in active addiction too. I couldn’t believe it because for an entire year she told me the complete opposite. Who the fuck tells an active addict his partner doesn’t like the addiction so just get rid of her? I mean honestly!
So after crying for 24 hours straight, in full emergency mode I contacted the trauma therapist to make an appointment as soon as possible to assist me dealing with this entire mess. I’m still reeling in pain and shock from this, devastated, confused, retraumatized. Prev therapist pushed my SA to go back to dating sites too during her little chat with him. Like WTF. And why? Because I make his life so hard and depressing because I get upset when he lies to me whilst in full addict mode. That’s how fucked up things are here, esp when they have no specific SA training. I’m starting to think she’s simply insane herself, or there was some counter-transference thing going on. She had just found out her partner was cheating on her too, so maybe she was taking it out on me? It makes no sense.
I also confronted her face-to-face and she was just like an addict in defence mode, denying, blameshifting, then totally flipping the story once I called my SA to come into the room. It was surreal and disgusting. She couldn’t take any responsibility for her actions. Her closest thing to an excuse was that he was in emotional distress so she had to comfort him. She couldn’t even show any compassion or empathy for me as I sat there in tears in extreme distress pleading with her to tell me what the hell was happening and why on earth did she do this. Stone cold, yet all the weeks before she was acting like my second mother and best friend. He at least actually stood up for me for once and has cancelled his further appointments with her. She’s been emailing him now saying things like “I hope you’re alright”. Like as if he is the poor victim here.
This is someone I paid over $6k so far to help me. I thought she was helping me, looking back she was really the only stable person in my life who I thought understood and at least cared about me as a partner, despite quite a few bumps along the way. She really got me through his past relapses and translated all his defenses to me. She read Barb’s book after I recommended it to her, as well as my copy of Milton Magness’ book. She never thought I was co-addicted. Said I had PTSD. She told me I was in an emotionally abusive situation. Seemed to want to help me. I foolishly trusted her… This type of therapist crap feels like a re-injection of everything that my SA did to me.
So I have the new trauma therapist for me now, and my SA is meeting another addiction psychologist next week for him. Hopefully he will be helpful for him. It’s a male this time too.
There’s also a renowned professor of addiction studies from the UK here who is a psychiatrist and my SA finally (after 6 months) has a referral to see him too. He mostly does research on alcoholicism and treats substance abuse patients but he is published in a trillion addiction journals, really extremely into to, so he might be open to treating sex addiction.
I am so very sorry about what happened with your previous therapist. WHAT A NIGHTMARE. That is one of the worst therapy stories and betrayal stories that i have heard. Sounds to me like she developed feelings for your H. and was interested in him on a different level. and stabbed you in the back. and did not remain objective at all. Remember, SA’s are convincing liars, to them selves, and their therapist.
so sorry that happened. No excuse for that. If you have the strength, take her to small claims court and get your money back. Or give a terrible review for her services on line. That is HORRIBLE.
The professor sounds promising. But that’s for your SAH. And I don’t care about him. I care about you. I don’t like any therapist that you would have to educate. they should be educating you no the other way around. I like your new trauma specialists credentials. Sounds promising.
We need counslers with zero tolerance for addict’s bullshit. zero. and help us find the clarity and strength we need to make informed decisions about our lives. someone who can see through addictive defenses and behavior. so we get to the heart of what is going on our life. all other attempts gloss over the issue, and try to reconcile or “patch” things up too soon. it is not the time for band aids. this isn’t a little boo boo.
it is time for major surgery.
There can be no compromise or reconciliation with addictive behavior. Period.
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