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“I’ll always love you and I promise I’ll never leave you.”
He said he was telling me this to help my “abandonment issues.” Barf barf barf!
These are pretty haunting…are there any statements they can make that show they are trying, recovering, anything?????
Gee – statements don’t mean anything when they have lied about so much for so long…you need to look at their ACTIONS! Mine says “I’m doing everything I can”. Ummm…one SAA meeting a week and going to a therapist every other week isn’t going to stop an addiction that has been going on for at least 10 years.
I don’t think anything they say indicates recovery. It’s in what they do. How does he react when you cry? Does he notice your moods? Does he meet your needs? Can he listen to your pain without inserting something about himself? Is he honest about his feelings? Does he have a rough day and run to the tv and shut you out?
You get the picture…
I learned the hard way Gee. I was so overwhelmed and bombarded I was going in circles. One minute I was in marriage counseling trying to figure out WTF was wrong. He couldn’t possibly be considering a divorce because I didn’t clean the house good enough, could he? To the next minute, learning about SA, going to therapists, learning the lingo…etc.
Anyway, I had to halt all the crazy. I stopped all therapy and started listening to myself. I knew what I needed and had been ignoring myself. I learned that when I was annoyed at him there was a valid reason. I was not crazy.
I put a stop to all psychobabble speak. We speak in human terms or I don’t speak.
I recognize all the signs now so I watch what he does. I had to get everybody out of my head and do what is right for me.
Bev, I don’t even buy actions. Mine did all those things you described. Our marriage therapist told him to do it to help build “empathy”. He was supposed to validate and mirror. Blah blah blah. He did all that. It was kind of awkward, but at face value it looked like he was trying. I would have looked like a total bitch if I would have said it didn’t seem like he was trying or doing it right. We graduated from marriage counseling because it went so well. But he was cheating the entire time. I have the emails with dates that say so.
He also did meetings and therapy every night and weekends, intensives, got a sponsor.
You name it, he did it- not just said it.
Even his actions were lies.
Absolutely very possible Teri. I don’t doubt that for a minute.
I have a really good guy friend ( truly just a friend) and he hates DA. He supports me in whatever I decide. He says that DA cannot keep up the farce ( if it’s all lies) forever. He told me to just sit back and observe and my answers will come.
I don’t believe they can keep up the facade forever either. They will falter if they are faking it. If your actions are honest, they come naturally. My H is not “mirroring” and none of it is awkward.
It’s hard to explain but I don’t schedule a “talk time”. I don’t even speak if I don’t want to. I don’t remind him that I am upset. I don’t pout. I don’t report to his therapist or group. I don’t even call his CSAT ( and they have both asked me to come in and meet and talk). They are both practically begging to do a formal disclosure and I won’t participate…
I’m just watching….
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