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hey, I spoke with a lawyer today and she told me that with no money , I should just talk to legal aid in my county. I said I could save up for her little by little,, and she said with me being a stay at home mom, she can’t help me without her knowing that I have money , a lot of it at my access. She also said that I do not need a PI because it would have absolutely no relevance in NJ .. at all.. that it would be a waste of money on my part.. she said I have grounds for a divorce with mental cruelity.. but that does not mean that he would have to provide any spousal support at all because my kids are all in school and he will say I can work during the day — and each case is different.. but chances are that he may get custody of the kids because he makes the money.. great day>> esepcially after one of my friends told me that she found me emotionally draining.. are you kidding me??? so there is no relief in sight here.. and really my h is an attorney and knows all kinds of other attorneys.. and legal aid will not be a match for who he comes up with .. and the std testing wont affect yhe csae either
One word, Blackmail. You HAVE to get the goods on him, girlie. Narcissists fear exposure more than anything.
so a PI is still warranted ? and just ignore the attorney? and just as an aside, his dad died in June with no will.. his mom is currently going through the assests and plans on breaking them into trusts for the kids… my h being one of them.. there is a substantial amount of money and stocks in this.. like his dad invested in apple stock in the 70’s .. so it seems to me that if I can gather strenght from this web and keep it together until she does that.. or get the PI and have the evidence myself .. hey, money is a good thing.. and there is a lot involved in these trusts if it ever gets done.. my h is the power of attorney for it.. he told me we could pay off our house ect… when she agrees to it all .. so I was just throwing that out there in the mix of all of this. to see what you thought .. the attorney was a jerk.. she just wanted to hear how much money I could give her up front.. she said I don’t need a PI.. it would not help me with support or custody or anything – so I said how much do they cost? and she said 200-300 dollars.. so I said well, I could get that kind of money together. and she said well, it would be a total waste of money and for me , we are talking about 12,000 dollars… not 200- or 300 .. anyway, a lot to think about.. I could keep calling attorneys.. but maybe should just focus on a new plan.. where I get the PI and blackmail him at a later date when I am stronger.. the stocks from Apple if we get them are worth a lot.. and there is no reason for me not to be smart about all of this.. right? so what do you think? so I was down after talking to attorney,, but maybe can move on to new plan? what do you think?
I think if you can get evidence that your ATTORNEY husband is using prostitutes, which is illegal, you’d have some serious leverage.
Make sure your name gets added to the trust so it’s commingled or it’s ALL his (unless you live in a community property state). I learned this the hard way.
JoAnn, I couldn’t agree more. Girlie, my children are grown and I still recieved a significant amount of money from him for support. I live in PA…no fault state 50/50 division of assets. I don’t think NJ is that much different. If you don’t have any money, do you have any lines of credit or anything you can sell to get the money? Gold jewelry and silver jewelry are lucrative right now. I took a $25,000 line of credit out right before he filed for divorce. I used it to pay attorneys. We are going after him for my legal fees too. I sold my jewelry and used that money for living expenses until I got support… there is usually a lag time of one month to one and !/2 month before the court system catches up to him. If you have been a stay at home mom durin your marriage, the court will make him pay support. In PA it is garnished from his wages. They direct deposit it right into my bank account so I don’t even have to deal with him. The PI is going to cost some money too. If you have access to $ in any way that he won’t know take it. Go to Walmart or Target every day, use your debit card, and get $ cash back at the checkout. Think about what you might be able to sell without him knowing. And for heavens sake, find another lawyer!
You need to see a different attorney. That one sucked and gave you bad advice. The only good part is that she was honest up front that she is all about the money and doesn’t give a shit about her clients.
The inheritance means nothing to you. It will be considered separate property – all your H’s – you will get none of it in a divorce. And since his mom is tying it up in trusts, there’s no telling what sort of access he will have to it in any case.
The fact that your attorney is a Federal attorney, and probably has little or no contact with local attorneys or courts lessens the advantage of him being an attorney. It’s a big bar – and local courts and federal courts are apples and oranges. I’m sure there are plenty of attorneys who don’t know your H and don’t care that he’s an attorney. And there’s probably plenty more who do know him and think he’s an arrogant prick and would love to put one over on him.
To be honest, I understand the “emotionally draining” comment. You have GOT to get your brain off the hamster wheel of this constant wondering why this happened and how it could happen. It IS draining to listen to that over and over. It DID happen so now you have to deal with it. That is the situation we ALL have found ourselves in. There’s no point in spending hours talking about how this could happen to you. It did. You’ve got to deal with what is, not what you wanted it to be.
Girlie, I looked at a couple of yelp reviews for New Jersey family law attorneys. I don’t know exactly where you are in New Jersey, but the Weinberger Law Group had some excellent reviews, just as an example. Think baby steps.. Maybe do a search on family law attorneys in your area, and read the reviews. Hang in there, hon. You can do this. xoxo
And Girlie, make damn sure your computer is LOCKED down. I’d also password protect your cellphone. Hell, I’d get a burner phone to use for attny calls, PI’s, etc.
thanks for all of the advice.. I guess the attorney today was just a bump in the road.. wow, this is a never ending journey .. I have been saving my gold jewelry and will start getting extra money at walmart ect… I get the emotionally draining comment.. but I am just trying to figure out what to do.. not why it happened to me.. and yes, part of the process IS talking about it.. there is no two ways about that.. but I get that it can be emotionally draining.. and right now , I am not trying to figure out WHY it happened.. I am just trying to figure otu a plan of exit which is not as easy as it sounds on these threads.. the attorneyI called today was no good.. it was disappointing to me at best.. she even said if the kids were in school, then he would say I have to work and wouldn’t have to give me spousal support.. which made me think WHAT? so really, I don’t get a friend saying that.. I am trying to be active and get a plan together.. it is all I do..
and if you ask me whether wondering why it happened or is happening is all emotionally draining.. and telling me that it is understood when a friend says it is emotionally draining to hear about it over and over again. maybe is reason not to post. I am doing the best I can .. I am .. I am following through. calling an attorney.. going to get checked for std’s … all of it.. but if I can’t express how I feel about it, then so be it.. then it is not the support system I thought. my God, of course, with me being two weeks out from it, I am still feeling bewildered and upset.. what the hell? that is all part of the processing of it.. in the meantime, I hve done and acted.. has it all worked out. of couse not. but my mistake venting it here.. don’t worry, I am acting on it.. I know it happened.. I don’t fake that.. and really ther eis no time or place for me to vent.. just gotta keep m oving .. and not process through any of it because of course that would be emotionally draining. really? I mean I like the web a lot , but for God’s sake, I should be able to share my feelings about what is happening.. act on it?? I AM ACTING ON IT and trying to process it all too.. yeah, I called an attorney, called the abuse line several times,,, am saving gold jewelry , am going to get tested for std’s this afternoon.. you get the emotionally draingin thing? so be it.. I will take to my paper journal for it from now on
Girlie, I don’t think a plan of exit is ever easy, especially when you have young children at home. But the more you can break down tasks into manageable steps, the more you’ll start to feel more in control of this horrible situation you’ve been thrown into. It’s all so overwhelming right now, and your exhausted mind must be racing. Think one step at a time for now, like calling another family law attorney. They’re not all like the bad experience you just had. xoxo
It’s always a surprise when we finally ask for help to discover that we don’t always get it from the first person we ask. You have to be committed to your own justice, GW, before you can expect to recognize the lawyer who will also be committed. It takes time to find a good therapist, a good lawyer, a good doctor, a good minister, a good friend, and good support website! But if you are committed to your future, you will get there and find the one you need.
I’m sorry about the exhaustion and understand completely. But we have to keep going or the swamp will suck us back in.I spoke to two attorney over one week. Completely different advice. Used my slush fund. Original retainer for a post nup was $2500, but I had a couple of consults for $300 each. None of this huge sums up front. I paid cash, they understood why, and BTW it is against the law for them to tell anyone about you. And there is conflict of interest.
One often does need at least a forensic investigator (follow the money) to keep him from draining you dry after you file. I wouldn’t hesitate to get another one if I thought something was weird or not in my best interest. I don’t get someone who would say you have to go back to work and lose your kids to him because he makes the money. That’s insane. What is the stay at home mom’s job worth? Bupkis in her mind. You may have no fault in your state and all that, but no one can give you such generic advice. How about looking up Nolo Press or whatever you have in NJ, purchase a couple of their books. At least they give you some basic info without paying a lot of attorneys. I don’t know length of your marriage, ages of your children, but that does affect length of spousal support. There are just so many complexities and you have to know they all. Get every single question answered.Do you not have the right to be supported in the “manner to which you have become accustomed?” You don’t have to live in a hovel while he rides high on the hog. It should go the other way around. Your investment in the marriage has real value, and no court is going to ignore that.
Stay strong. Keep breathing. focus on your survival.
Do you have access to all of his money accounts? Checking, investment, savings, retirement, credit cards, credit reports, insurance policies, birth certificates, marriage license, passport and income tax statements?
If not, NOW is the time to gather all of that evidence and make copies of everything. Get a safe deposit box and keep everything there and give the key to a good friend or relative or be sure to hide is securely.
Girlie, I so remember being just a few weeks out from discovery. I just walked in circles for a while until I was able to take baby steps to protect myself. It is what it is. I think so many of us waited too long to do what needed to be done. Looking back, I would have done so much better if I had used that early time to outmanipulate the manipulator. I know we all have your best interests at heart. I can guarantee you your sah has HIS best interests at heart. He has been doing his thing and taking care of himself for a long time. I so know how hard this is. You are doing well with the baby steps. Keep going. Its almost impossible to do it all at once. The thing is, NOW is the time you can get the most info to protect yourself. I think the posts from us sisters are us wishing we could go backand do our stuff differently? At least I feel that way. I would have had so much more leverage. When you are on the outside looking in, as we are your sisters, you just want to kill the bastard. Hang in there,girlie. You are doing fine.
no I don’t have access to all of his things.. and I really don’t even know how to get access to them.. I did get a safe deposit box.. but I will have to keep the key because I have no good friends whom I can trust will not think this is emotionally draining.. the nearest family I have is 4 hours away and they just want to hear that it will all work out.. so having a support system with this kind of shit is not true in my case.. it just isn’t .. no one wants to hear it.. and now not even the sisters on this web.. I am doing.. he has all of that stuff at work.. I could ask him for the kiddos birth certs .. he wouldn’t think anything about that and we have joint checking.. I got codes for his w-4s.. or how to get onto that site .. really, I feel double slammed today.. being told it is emotionally draining to hear it twice.. I thought that was what this web was all about.. a place to vent and get advice.. but a place to vent.. no one has to respond or read my posts and if that is the case,, why should I put them out there.. I shouldn’t .. I should just put them on paper.. I AM TRYING MY BEST.. and am sorry that I have emotionally drained everyone .. anyway, I will work on getting that information and I have to storage box and I am getting tested for stds’ .. but really, there should be a time to process in all of this.. there just should be.. and it should be okay-
I never confronted my H until I had all the evidence. I also saw an attorney before I confronted him.
It’s not that I would get more money in a divorce. It’s because he couldn’t argue with me about what he had done. I could prove what he had done. And let’s be real honest, they do NOT want that shit in open court.
My attorney charged me no money for the first consult. He told me to safe guard my evidence, find and copy all financials I could, and gave me a ballpark estimate of what I could expect ( money/custody wise) with a divorce.
Whatever attorney you spoke with is a nut GW. Custody is not decided by who makes more money. You would be entitled to half of the marital assets plus child support. You might eventually have to get a job but it beats the hell out of going crazy and living with him…..
I dont mind getting a job .. it is not that.. the attorney was just a jerk.. saying well, why don’t you hve a jb.. you are home while they are at school.. and I can’t say for sure that you would get to see the kids.. who knows what will be? so I guess I am back to the drawing board with attorneys and PI’s .. I am tryinga nd it took a lot of effort and thought on my part to call this first one. it just did
Girlie, if you don’t mind my asking, what city in NJ are you in? We can help you with researching reputable attorneys. xoxo
Yes! “the attorney was just a jerk” You got it sister.
that first call is really tough. But it makes you clearer about the next call an.ad what you expect and want.Please don’t de-focus on whether other people are responding the way you think would help you most. Your friends and the sisters on this website are not what is holding you back. Nothing we do or don’t do, say or don’t say, has the power to keep you in your hideous situation. You are the one. We are all trying to help you keep you moving in the right direction. It’s not comfortable for anyone dealing with any of the stories, including our own, but we hang in there because we know and understand the pull of familiarity, even when its abusive. I hope you will be able to put those big girl panties on and keep going, because we ARE supporting you. We’ve all had to pull on those panties, at some point, btw!
Now, no defocusing on whether people are drained. Of course they are. So are you. But you can get this done. And we know it may be the hardest thing you have ever done in your life. It’s not about what we do or don’t do. It’s about what you do. And You can do it. You can do it. You can do it.
I know the effort it took. I threw up ( literally vomited) outside the FedEx Kinkos office while I was faxing information to the PI.
I cried in the attorney’s office …. Snot literally running down my nose and tears that would not stop. I was shaking so badly that I had to sit in his office with some water and my head down before he would let me drive home.
I had to walk into our florists shop to get account details to see if he was sending flowers to anyone. The woman in the shop told me she just couldnt do that and walked off. The poor man workimg there took pity on me and let me have all the records. I felt like shit.
I sat down outside of the bank and called my H crying and begging him to talk to me right before I went in to get the financial papers I had requested that they gather for me ( he didn’t know what I was doing). I begged him. He was an ass. I cried all the way into the bank and all the way out.
I have almost vomited at every therapists office having to tell my story yet again….
I sat in a warm bath and for the first time ever I understood why people just gave up and slit their damn wrists.
I have had panic attacks while driving my kids to school and barely made it home. I have had to leave the grocery store with no groceries.
I have to drive by the hotel ,where the PI found my H with a hooker, 6 times a week ( my daughter’s volleyball practice).
I have to go into his office upstairs to get the dry cleaning. The same office that he spent thousands of dollars jacking off to whores on a webcam.
Don’t tell me that I don’t know it’s hard. I do know. I live it.
I get up and fight back because I owe it to myself and my kids.
Yes, G, that’s what you have to remember: that every one of us has been there–two weeks out, and some of us two months out…two years out…barely able to function, going without sleeping or eating…trying to take care of our children and/or work at out jobs while fighting tears…triggered by places and things and people. Some of us (most?) wanting to die.
We have survived and so can you.
Yes and there are others who have suffered through including myself and just about everyone with their own story.
I think what GW is telling us is she’s so hurt and overwhelmed she’s frozen in a sense. It reminds me when I had NOTHING for my home and couldn’t even go out to get a refrigerator. I lived in the hotel another 2 months until I could ‘move’ enough to get things done. I had to have a childhood friend (I had not seen in 15 yrs) fly in from another state because my own family wouldn’t help me. Then chastised me for ‘wasting’ money on a hotel when my own mother who lived only 1 mile away wouldn’t let me live with her and she told everyone she offered and wouldn’t say no.
I guess my point is ‘one size does not fit all’. GW is just 2 wks past discovery and doesn’t seem to have the wherewithal at the moment to function and do all these things ect…. There are women on this site who have never consulted an attorney and that okay because it’s their choice. There are many who haven’t hired a PI either and that’s okay too because we have free will.
I think I understand her struggle. There’s a big gap right now between cognitively knowing what to do and doing it. I think we have all experienced this and some of us still may be. It’s a I’m ok you’re ok.
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