Talking to Minwalla in 20 min. Any good questions to ask?

Thanks Bev.

Does he want you to tell the whole story or does he ask questions?

I tend to focus on what he did and did to me rather than what I need or am going to do.

I had a very hard day:(

We had a brief greeting and then got right into it. He asked what was going on here.

I told him my H set me up to catch him watching porn in order to hurt me. Then I told him I needed to give him some background information. I started telling him about his behavior with previous GF and wife, the intimidation with weapons. I told him about his rulemaking, control and violence when we were first married. I told him a few things about the sexual dysfunction and withholding, suicide threats and financial abuse.

He stopped me short and said “Did you say gun? He is already over the line into domestic violence. His behavior is predatory. You are in a situation that has a name, it is called “domestic captivity.”

I explained some of this happened a long time ago and he doesn’t do the threats anymore.

He said they don’t have to do it again. It has happened and they know you know they can and will do it again and the fact that you distance from the behavior and minimize it shows your learned tolerance.

I mentioned that he is more covert with implied threats and behavior that cannot be proven intentional.

He said, “That is worse. That’s the crazy making and gaslighting. This is like POW psychological torture. He undermines your view of reality until you are compliant.”
He said the porn isn’t even on the table and abusers also use sexual humiliation.

He recommended the book, Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman. Her book explains the nuances of emotional and mental abuse both in victims of catastrophic events and the slow insidious torment in abusive relationships.

I told him that my H had told me he hated women and that’s why he watched the porn and yet wanted their love, the Madonna/whore complex.

I told him the circumstances under which we met. I was in a very vulnerable position and he swooped in and rescued me and then never let me forget it, I owed him. Classic scenario, Minwalla says.

He said that he wouldn’t even see him unless he was willing to look at his domestic violence perpetration. He referred me to any counselor in my area and said he would speak with them to clarify the seriousness of the abuse and my trauma as a result.

He was rushed in his time with me, 20 minutes, but said he would speak with me again if I needed him.

He said he wanted to be very clear that my husband’s propensity toward violence is a very dangerous situation, that it is well researched and documented and that he wants me to believe him and gather support.

I realized, in thinking this through over the many months, that it isn’t the porn. It’s the mental and emotional abuse. Every conversation we have, while we might have an admission or apology of some sort, includes blaming me, refusal to cut to the core issue and unwillingness to get help to move forward.

Some current crazymaking.

My husband recently said that he want to move back into our bedroom. I didn’t say anything. I told him we have a lot of issues to resolve before that happens, like what happened over this past year especially last winter. (when he stopped buying food, stepped up his work hours refused to help me maintain my car, kept all the money out of the bank, etc.)

He says, “What about last winter?” Seriously?????

Another one, A couple days ago I told him that I was going to tell him something he doesn’t know about how I feel. I reminded him how I pleaded with him for affection and some sexual learning and satisfaction and that I would be going through menopause and everything was going to change and how we could enjoy the last years of our youth. I told him because of his rejection of my pleading that I hate myself for feeling sexual and that when I look in the mirror now, I see an old and saggy woman. I yelled and cried. He reached out to hug me but I wouldn‘t let him.

Later that night he came to my bedroom door and said for what it’s worth he’s sorry. And he FEELS SORRY FOR ME.

Later still I found a note that said, “Have a good day and I love you.”

I don’t feel loved. I am in pain on the couch. I am impacted hard by Minwalla’s detour to the DV. I thought we were going to talk about porn and withholding recovery strategies. I talked to my son for a long time after that. He knows and has been through a female narc and avoidant.

Yesterday I went to the doctor and he put me on Wellbutrin. It feels like Xanax. I told him what is happening. He is my two daughters and grandchildren’s doctor, so he knows my family. He understood mental abuse. Thank God I did that!

Please hold me up sisters. Please don’t rail on me about kick his ass out tonight. You can say it but be careful with me right now.

I have thought about where I am in this game. We have both recently stated that neither are backing up. If I capitulate, I will have given him permission to openly abuse me for life. I watched it happen to his sweet Grandma.

Good Lord