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I have to say the call is better than years of deception. I mean really, are we EVER ready to hear that stuff? Will there ever be the day when you think, NOW I’m able to process the fact that my spouse is a cheater? The longer we’re with them, the harder it gets. Time ticking by while they are getting away with this is never a good thing.
I am getting dangerously close to a codependent statement here, but honestly I think that’s why these SAs choose us as the “good wives”. We’re the people he thought could probably make a real life to cover over their tracks, and be so good at it they will be invisible in their secret lives. And then we live up to it, wondering what’s the best way to prevent fallout when it all comes to light.
The damage is already done to those marriages. Just because they don’t know WHY doesn’t mean they’re not hurting. Look at the suffering so many of us went through before DDay. How many of us have said that there was a strange sense of almost relief along with the horror, because knowing we’re not CRAZY, something HAS been wrong all this time, is a validation of something they’ve been able to deny up to that point.
Tell, I say. Just pull off the Bandaid because that wound is festering and needs to be cleaned and redressed.
This of course in the case of these repetitive and SA affairs. If you know a man or woman who had a single stupid moment, a drunk night on a cruise, a stoned party in college, etc. I sure would hold my tongue if that was not affecting them and nobody asked me.
barbra, i’m sort of where you are on this. i would like to reach out to his ex-wife, but if i do…it will hurt her…they are already divorced so does it really matter anymore what he did or didn’t do when they were married? and if i tell her, it will hurt his relationship with his children…she may seek full custody with no visitation. the kids — who are boys — love their father and the divorce was hard enough on them. i suppose i could say something to him. i don’t know if he knows that i know he was soliciting when he had the kids, but he’ll see this as a threat and i don’t trust him or what he’ll do. he’s never been violent toward me, but there’s always a first time. i just HATE that he has left me with this moral dilemma, and i wish there was an obvious answer. it all just sucks.
SP, as a mother I see absolutely no moral dilemma whatsoever. Tell his ex-wife. She needs to know so that she can do whatever she deems necessary to protect her kids. The kids’ right to safety should trump everything, even his relationship with them. If his relationship with them was that important, he wouldn’t be meeting up with hookers while at a baseball tournament or whatever it was. It sucks, but to me it is just that obvious.
And what about the health of these poor unsuspecting spouses? They have a right to know so that they can go and get tested too. I say ABSOLUTELY tell!
I’m firmly in the “tell” camp. I think that spouses/partner of infidels (serial or not) have to stick together. Secrets are toxic to all involved. It kind of reminds me of the stupid Blue Book addage (make ammends unless it will hurt someone). I’ve heard that was likely added since Bill W was a big SA. (guess he substituted sex for alcohol).
What do you do if you want to tell, but you have no direct contact info for the partners? Only the contact details for the cheating assholes. It weighs heavily on me that I know yet can’t do anything about it.
True, Victoria. It needn’t be your mission. I’m just saying that if you happen to have the info–and especially if you KNOW the fuckers, tell.
Yeah, I’ve known about it for 1.5 years now. What worries me is that I think the cheater (possible SA) is about to get engaged to the innocent partner. It’s just awful.
Deb, I’d use that as an opportunity to get some truths from her since hubby never admitted. Tell her you want details, where, when, how often did they meet, every sordid detail that she can supply and bs her by saying that while a pi provided some pieces to the puzzle, you want the rest. Then tell her if what she tells you matches what you already “know” then you will abandon telling her husband.
See what she cops out to with your h then tell her hubby anyway. You owe her the same as she gave you which is no loyalty.
But that’s just me.
Oh and Deb I think if they were just sexts buddies and not sex buddies she would have made that CLEAR in her groveling email to you. I for sure would have made a POINT to emphasize that if that’s all it was.
But that’s just me.
I think he boinked her and he boinked her more than once.
I really think she’s more apt to get some truths from the tramp than her knucklehead at home.
She knows she’s busted so why not spill if it’s going to buy Deb’s silence?
It’s an angle Deb hasn’t tried. Trust me, no woman is going to admit to fucking some guy if she was only sexting with him.
I believe in telling if you have the info.I wish someone had told me. I do not believe in obsessing about whoever they fuck and I do not believe in evening the score with those people when you don’t even it with your H. You could use what you have to get some information about your H’s activities Deb but if it were me I would not rat her out if she told me what I wanted to know. That would immediately create a quandary for me because I believe in telling so the unsuspecting partner has a choice. I don’t believe in telling for the purpose of revenge, because I believe ALL revenge activities should be directed at our husbands. I think too much focus on the other people detracts from where focus needs to be.
Oh, I think a perfectly legit approach is to assure her you won’t tell if she gives you the info you need, and then, once gotten, you tell her–ala SpongeBob– “Today is Opposite Day.” All’s fair…
I’d far sooner see Deb give her husband a little bit of all’s fair….just the same I am not that concerned. All these people deserve each other and what they get.
To be honest, I don’t give a rat’s ass if they had sex. I’m pretty sure that they didn’t since I saw emails that they sent it said as much. (although that could have been a cover) but given his numerous activities, it doesn’t much matter.
What I do care about is unsuspecting spouses. I think that all of would agree – if we had only known, then we could have done something about it (e.g. divorced before we had kids, prepared financially, etc.).
I would have given my eye teeth to have known…. I have a friend who was told by a partner of her SAH and she is eternally grateful. For me, it has nothing to do with revenge, just compassion for the spouse.
Deb
If it were me, I’d want to know, whether it was currently going on or already over. It sounds like you’re wanting to inform the other spouse with a true heart of concern and not revenge.
With that being the case I say do it. He’s either going to act on it or discard it.
Btw, I like your new pic!!
Tell. The truth will set you free. Like Barbra, I ignored things. I was very ill. I got better and finally had the energy to look around at finances and figured it out. Still, if someone could have told me, I would have wanted to know, no matter how ill I was. Tell. And, she has no business writing that email to you. What a bunch of nonsense, she loves her kids – really? Then why did she cheat?
They all *LOVE* themselves and only themselves. If they gave a rats ass about anybody else, they would not pull this shit.
I would definitely want to know.
I’ve long suspected that people saw my SAH up to no good and did not tell me. Just hindsight really no proof. ( long before I knew what he was up to )
The red flag was a BIG change in the way a couple of school parents acted toward me and my SAH just happening to mention that he saw so-and-so ( school parent ) in center city today ut-oh
now I can decode SA cover his ass partial truth. He probably meant to say the he met so-and-so when he was coming out of the strip club or the happy ending massage parlor in the middle of the afternoon. ugh
Yes, wish I was told ~ maybe it would have opened my eyes
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