screw HIS recovery!

Wow, Kelly. It sounds like you have been through a lot. You are a tough lady to make it this far without completely giving up on you. It really is an honor when new sister open up and share their stories, so thank you for trusting us.

It sounds like you are suffering from PTSD. The searching through things is classic hypervigilance. You are not crazy. PTSD can be so debilitating. So I hope your therapist knows about treating trauma. Also, do you know enough about him? Do you need to collect evidence to use as leverage for divorce or to convince you what is going on? If you need it then keep digging, take notes, make copies, hide them away. Use your hypervigilance for good. If you don’t need any more then put everything away someplace safe and out of sight- phone records, bank records, whatever. And try to take breaks for as long as you can. Post here, journal, call someone, watch a distracting TV show, but I would try to give yourself some time to heal. I know it’s hard. I am still suffering from hypervigilance now almost 2 years post dday.

I also want to ask you…does a great father go pick someone up at a bar on family vacation? Does a great father go screw women while visiting the kids’ uncle? Does a great father treat his kids’ mother how you have been treated? What kind of man is he modeling for your boys? They are learning from him. I am going to venture a guess that if he is a pyschopath or even just a narc, he is playing a role to get their attention, to get his supply, so that he is the center of their world or so that he looks like a great father to the rest of the world. I may be wrong about him, but a lot of SAs do that. They publicly parent- lead Boy Scouts, coach sports, etc. where they can get lots of praise and attention. Or they act like their kids best friend. But often there is another side to that. They might not pay that much attention to their kids in private. They might be emotionally disengaged or maybe always working. Or they might be all fun and games as long as things are going their way. When kids become teens and want their own lives and interests, sometimes these “great dads” become controlling jerks or just stop interacting with their kids because they are no longer getting their supply. I don’t know if that is the case with you SA, Kelly. But all those times he was off screwing other women, he could have been home spending that time with his family.

And it is okay to talk about the past here and if it comes pouring out of you, then it might be because you need to talk about it. I am glad you found us and that what we are sharing here resonates with you. Glad also we can all laugh over a good Weiner joke. Take care.

Kelly,
The healthy and sometimes the hardest thing to do is to focus on OUR healing from the damage they have caused. So I think you have some clear and healthy thinking when you say “screw HIS recovery”. Just focus on yourself and your kids. He’s likely never to recover (mine wouldn’t) based on his really, really, really poor history and track record.

Don’t allow yourself to lose yourself. You have a whole life ahead of you to live and enjoy. If we stay with toxic people it only gets worse and never better. Think positive thoughts about yourself because you know who you are. You’re a loving and caring woman and that never changes. Keep moving forward even if it’s just a step at a time. Your life is a gift treasure it!
Love, Napxo

Oh, Kelly, I am so sorry for all of the pain you have had with this man and continue to have. Please keep reading on here, and take advantage of all of those old posts, too. And keep posting. Tell your story, tell all of it, in your time frame. You will get stronger. Don’t keep his secrets, you will get stronger. You will make it, Kelly, our hearts are with you and our hands are reaching out to you.

Way to go Kelly!! Get it all out honey. Nothing your H has done will surprise any of us and we all understand exactly how it feels.

Your H is so NOT in any “recovery” that it isnt even worth mentioning. You can be saved and you are doing the right things. Focus on you and ignore him.

Most of the guys here were/are “great dad’s”. I thought mine was too. Great fathers do not destroy the mother of their children. One reason my H is still breathing air is because I won’t hurt the father of my children…..That is what great parenting is 🙂

Dear Kelly,
After getting beat up a bit ourselves this week, it’s really great to hear that our motley crew here has given you something good already. Delighted! And Yes, we have a bad/good case of survivor humour goin on that just breaks out and lets loose from time to time.
Thanks for sharing your story of life with your SA. All I can say is “Damn, Skippy”.
I don’t think you’re crazy. I think your freak outs are signs of your sanity trying to live with his insanity. It might help to learn about the connections between SA and PD’s (personality disorders). JoAnn has an ebook available that gives an overview.
But the sisters are also correct in pointing you to your own life. Most of us spent way too much trying to understand our SA’s, the why did they do it, what kind of treatment is there, etc. But the really important piece of this situation is you–caring for yourself, knowing what you want, protecting you and your children’s financial needs and any other safety issues, finding a good support team for yourself (honoured to be a part of that here), but including a trauma-based therapist. We recommend reading the Barbara Steffens book that outlines the assessment of PTSD in partners against the hackneyed misogynist Carnes appraoch of labelling us all co-addicts and codependents. (Did I make my opinion clear enough?). The book has some layers of religiousity in the case studies that might not suit you, but the bulk of the book is worth the price and the read.
Your husband may be a dormant phase that is just going through the motions until he cons everyone that he’s stopped, and then he’ll start again. Use this time to put your needs first and get your ducks in a row. You need to get STD testing ASAP (they lie about using condoms too), see a lawyer so you know your options, and start stashing money away in a secret acct that he can’t access. You don’t know how much of your money he has squandered on this already.

It’s not fun but it has to be done.

warm hug,
Diane.

Yes, Kelly, it takes a lot out of a girl. Don’t be afraid to tell your story, with all it’s sordid details and all the “how could I be SO STUPID?” comments you told yourself over the years. We have heard it all and every single one of us gave our husband much more time and energy than a single one of them was EVER worth. Your husband sounds like a full blown narc, which is nothing better than a slightly higher functioning psychopath. They cheat because they can and get off on the of sexual attention, the chase, the possibility of getting caught and the thrill of fucking you over. They don’t care about anyone BUT themselves, and they feel that they are entitled to operate outside the normal societal rules that most of us adhere to. They are charming, often successful, ruthless to the core and their siren song is almost impossible to resist…UNTIL you come to understand you are nothing but a supporting role on the stage of their life. You are NOT crazy. You have been systematically abused by an expert and you are traumatized and beaten down. When you catch your breath, read Dr George Simon’s “In Sheep’s Clothing.” You will find your husband and many of the answers you seek in that book. Once you understand what you are dealing with, you will come out of any remaining fog and have a much better idea how to proceed. How do I know this, never having met your husband? Well, because I have met him… on this site , in the stories of countless other women who were
hooked up with charming predators who did and said all the things your husband does and says. I doubt he is a sex addict, because I am not convinced such an addiction even exists? In any event, you are on the right track to know you must take your focus off of him and put it on yourself. I also know that task is quite impossible before you really SEE the kind of animal you are sharing a life with. We KNOW this guy. We pretty much know him inside out. We know what he does, we know what he says and we know how he gets away with it. We also know how to handle him and we will help you. We don’t even require access to his phone or laptop. 😉 Nothing you can say will shock us. No doubt you will get us all riled up, but you cannot shock us. We have heard it all. 😉 The HOPE in all of this is for YOUR life. The longer you waste figuring him out, the more precious time you lose throwing pearls before swines. But it is ok to tell your story in its entirety (necessary really) and to want to have some understanding of who you were with and what happened to you. Take a deep breath. Get some rest. This is a marathon, NOT a sprint. You have landed in exactly the right place. By the way, you are a very pretty girl. Hugs, Karen x

If you have been together over 10 years, I am guessing common law marriage applies. You need to see an attorney, I think. Especially before you take over the business? You may be all over that already.

There is no common law marriage in Ohio and since Kelly mentioned Toledo, I think that’s where she is. That doesn’t mean he can’t/won’t come after her money and/or business but not as her common law husband. Kelly, I’m in Ohio too – Dayton. Grew up in Columbus. Buckeye through and through. 🙂

Kelly,

I think your awesome. I think you might be ahead of me on the healing curve. When my AW (ass-whole) is mean but when he does this I need you, poor poor pitiful me crap I suck. I guess I want to feel needed but on the other hand I am really afraid he will go off the deep end. Why do I care? Beats the hell out of me.

I live in Florida, Married 22 years, busted my H with pro. About 6 years ago (think he used at least 18). I have two kids 17 YO boy 14 YO girl.

You give good vibes. Im glad u joined.

Right back at ya!