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So true NAP.
This is what I have really been spending time with.
I have been doing alot of internal work and want to share with all of you. I have the first mediation on Monday, so I have been busy preparing for that. When I get some time I hope to put all of my thoughts down and see what all of you think.
The biggest lie I have told myself is that ” I must have missed something. ” What I have come to understand is how much I was gas lighted. Actually he is still trying to gas light me this very moment. The fact that he filed for divorce in itself is a gas light. He is filing for divorce because he has done everything he can possibly do to make amends. So guess what? I again am the crazy person. Poor guy has to go and file for a divorce from a wife who (according to him) has anger management problems, who suffers deeply from co-dependency issues and makes him feel physically unsafe.
This is gas light extremo!!!!!!!
Guess what? I finally cut the gas out!!!!
YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cindy There you are!!!!!
I am reading The Gas Light effect and it is blowing my mind. I also rented the 1944 movie ~ weirdly extreme but some stuff was too familiar. uggh. I get so fired up when I think about the direction my life has gone. My therapist is so right. There is such a thing as being too nice, fucking A!
Anger management problems????? Ummm is he still walking around with his private parts? if so, you anger is perfectly in check. How does he even justify that? what a weenie. I already know….he is a good guy gas lighter.And guess what the gas light is going out here too! I called one of my kids out on it 3 times this week. It was dumb stuff, but a real eye opener. She is reading the book too.
That baby is coming any day now and I was still planning on giving you a call the week I stay. Can I text you? If you are in a crappy place, no pressure to meet, I don’t want to add to your stress. HOWEVER, I know I felt tons better after meeting silver lining. there aren’t a lot of people in this world you can unload this stuff on without being judged.
The Gas Light Effect I don’t mean to be crude, but the title just reminds me of when my son was 15 and he and friends would light their farts.
Cindy,
I am so happy you have taken time to process things. I would love to hear about your personal experiences doing your inner work. Much love, B. Trayed
Cindy,
You already sound stronger to me. You go girl! And keep coming back here for strength. It works for me!
Wow NAP…great question as ALWAYS!! Whoa! I guess the biggest lie I told myself was years ago…that SA’s porn use/masturbation was in the realm of normal guy stuff, and I had to just suck it up.z girl so true! When we first got married he told me guys had to “release” at least 2 times a day or it would be too painful to walk, cause their balls hurt. Until this year……I actually believed that….and that all guys were like that! Even told my 4 daughters that was how boys are and that they can get their kicks rubbing up against a brick wall so don’t think they need you! Honest.
Yes you can!!!
funny thing is he “claims” he has not had an erection since Feb.
Those balls should have exploded by now.hadj608,
“Anger management problems????? Ummm is he still walking around with his private parts?” Now that’s a classic line! I was cracking up when I read that!
And then this line of shit, “he told me guys had to “release” at least 2 times a day or it would be too painful to walk, cause their balls hurt”. That PISSED ME OFF. Such a fucking out right lie. Makes me want to cut off his balls to spare him the necessary jacking off he has to do. There, problem solved.
Cindi, SOOOOoo good to hear from you. I think of you often. Totally understandable that sometimes we have to leave the list for a while to get it together. I hope you will continue to keep us posted on a regular basis though. I worry about you.
Much love, Claire
Hi Cindy,
Was so good to here from you and to hear you see the truth about your h and what he was doing to you. I think about you all the time and I know how much anxiety a divorce creates. I hope you like your lawyer and she’s working hard for you.To answer my own question is the lie I told myself was my husband did Love me. The love I know and believe doesn’t lie, cheat, steal, punish, ignore, neglect, and abuse. Love does not hurt, it’s patient, kind, and consistent. The ‘love’ my h had for me was a very sick love.
The lies I believed:
1. A Christian women could not separate or divorce except for physical abuse and marital (physical) unfaithfulness.
2. My thinking/intuition (God voice) was off. My h often told me I was off – all for self-protection. (Hey, when all the prophecies-LOL- come true, you can’t be THAT off??? sexual problems, financial problems, son’s problems)
2A. I was selfish…I was actually giving til I was dying…to him and his penie baby, the kids, the house, the church…you name it!
3. I am trapped. (I am not trapped and probably never was…well, I was trapped by my false beliefs, I guess. I have written on my frig…”7-28-11 There is always an answer – never a catch 22. Look for Jesus’ answer/option – though it may be difficult! – yet right – peaceful.”
4. My calves are big and ugly. Well, I am still having trouble undoing this belief. They are massive and I cannot compete with the women my h masterbated to. But these calves have served me well in hurdling, running and tennis. (My high school hurdling records are still up! No one beat me yet and I am 43!) Yet, when one youth said my calves looked pregnant it kinda hurt. Also, when I wore a skirt where you can see my calves, someone commented that I wasn’t a tree hugger since I chopped down those trunks for prosthetic legs! LOL
b-trayed,
I’m sure your calves are beautiful. I can relate because i have big thighs due to competing in gymnastics in high school. I only hate them when I’m out of shape and havent worked out in a while which is now! Need to get back into shape! I know it’s hard, but don’t let what other people say effect you. I know, easier said than done.
I lied to myself :
1. Thinking he was a wonderful husband and I was the luckiest woman in the world.
2. Thinking that I was imagining things when I felt that gut feeling of distrust when he was gone at night teaching, or running late getting home from work, or out with his best friend, and the list goes on. Wishing now that I would have questioned him, listened to my gut and even investigated.
3. Believing him when we were dating when I spilled my guts and told him that I was a recovering alcoholic, that I was taking an antidepressant, and that I was a closet smoker and then I asked him what things do I need to know about you? And he said nothing. Now I know he was a sex addict at the time and had been throughout his first marriage and while raising his kids.
#3 is the one that hurts the most and although I probably didn’t describe it well in that short blurb, it was a special moment for me because i told myself before talking to him that I wasn’t going into a new relationship without being totally and completely honest. The fact that i poured my guts out to him, risking that he may not want to date me anymore, and then asking him to share any demons or things I need to know about at that very same time and he just smiled and said he didn’t have anything like that to tell me about himself or his past.
My recovery is going to take a long while, especially when I go back and remember things like that.
Claire
The biggest lie I told myself was that my h’s behavior wasn’t disrespectful or unkind enough to leave the marriage, prior to d-day. I used to occasionally wish that he would rage or hit me once or get angry or call me a name or be openly critical, and then I could say, “oh, that’s it, you crossed a line” and then I found out about secret women and my first feeling was relief that I didn’t have to live like this anymore. My lie was that I had to have a reason that my kids, my family, my friends, society could understand and then I could justify it for myself….and that all the reasons that led me to wish that he would just hit me or call me a name weren’t good enough. I was wrong.
MarieWow. great question. And sobering answers.
the biggest lies I believed:
he would never lie to me
he loved meThe lies I told myself were so co-mingled, but I see now, were my own ways to cope with an untenable situation. But, as Diane said, I could not possibly believe that my husband would ever lie to me. He was the LAST person I believed who could EVER do that.
With predator, the biggest lie, was that I could handle having a lover on the side and could remain detached.
I realized that for me, there is no way, to not be in love with a lover. Otherwise, why bother?
With my husband, that it was okay for him to remain detached from me and not ever do anything to win back my trust and my love.
I told myself that my life with my husband was the best I could do. Maybe that, was the biggest lie I believed.
Ok I am back. I like Diane’s lies better than mine. I mean Diane and I believed the same lies. So I am redoing mine…
1. the biggest lie I ever believed:
he would never lie to meI am just sticking to that one big one for now. In some distorted way, I think he thinks and thought he loved me…so confusing.
This has really been a good forum. I thank everyone for sharing. It’s so important we know the lies we tell ourselves so they don’t turn into rationalizations, which are not good! Thanks all keep sharing!
Great forum NAP! My counselor and mentor are helping me look at ME. Knowing what lies I tell myself and REALLY understanding them, will help me in the future so much! I don’t think just chatting with a counselor once will help to destroy those lies, so it was great to think again about them. Love, B. Trayed
Hi Bt,
I think you have grown leaps and bounds since you first came on the site. You should be very proud of yourself!!!
Love, NapOnce again, Nap, you make me think! Hard, but good for me because I’m here to learn and make sure I’m always aware.
The biggest lies I believed were:
*I’m not looking at porn anymore;
*It’s okay to surf porn with your husband even if your gut is screaming that it makes you feel like shit inside;
*It was only one online affair;
*I’m going to get help
Those last two were after my first disclosure days….and I fell for them hook, line and sinker. I thank God for gut instincts because if I didn’t have them, I truly believe that our second DDay week never would have happened which lead to his sobriety.
I’m still working on forgiving him for those lies but I’m not sure I’ll ever get there.
I think another lie I told myself is my husband loved me so much he would get sober aNd begin recovery for me. The truth is he didn’t even love himself and he had to want to get sober and recover on his own. As I watched him change the locks right in front of me, I saw the cold harsh truth. Thank goodness!
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