- This topic has 18 replies, 9 voices, and was last updated 13 years, 4 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
Hi sisters,
That is the toughest thing for me I think…to come to grips with the polarity…the extreme ends of the spectrum. Have you too struggled with living with a husband who is both nice and cruel. (Obviously if you are on this site, we know the cruel part.) Any thoughts in how to cope with getting clarity in the confusion? Thanks
You know Bt mine was the same way. Looking back, and knowing what I know now is the cruelty was his intimacy anorexia behaviors. 30 % of SA are intimacy anorexics. If you dont know a lot about it you can google it or Doug Weiss has a great book about it you can purchase.
An intimacy anorexic, will use cruel behaviors to push you away because they can not handle the intimacy. Its very painful and there is a lot of passive aggression going in. They make things really tough and the “nice times and behaviors” they throw in as crumbs to keep us hooked. I think it was Skinner who discovered the concept of intermittant reinforcement. Thats what they do.
Hope this helps.
Love, Nap
Nap nailed that, bt:)
Nice =crumbs=keep you in the game= hoping for more crumbs=you stay in the marriage
Cruelty= distance=you hang out by the door, wondering why you stay
The combination, nice and cruel or crumbs and distance( same thing) = you(us) hanging out by the door wondering how we could leave ( crumb influence) and keeping one or both feet inside and then we find ourselves hanging out by the door putting our feet out and wondering how we could possibly stay ( distance influence)
Ah! Time for another crumb…. And the cycle repeats.
And the thing is, he won’t change, he doesn’t see a problem….he is after all getting what HE wants, you in his life but at a distance that falls into his comfort zone.
The impetus for changing this has to start with you, bt, or it won’t change.
Because nice is consistent, it’s not followed by cruelty.
And I’m not singling out you or your husband, this is applicable to all of us who have or are experiencing it. Change begins with us, and if they aren’t willing to come along, it’s not a relationship worth having. True self respect comes when we stop accepting the crumbs and tell them that love is loving behavior consistently and we won’t accept the status quo or the least amount they can get by with and have us stay in the marriage:)
Love,
Marieand that is the thing isnt it. The pain of it and the confusion. It would be easy if we could say they were out and out bastards, but they’re not. I’ve had the attentive – taking the time to make me scrambled egg on toast (you probably call it something else so now think I’m wierd) and even putting it on a hot plate to ensure its served nicely to the pushing me out the door… I dont know – one example would be the day he asked me to marry him… he’d bought a beautiful diamond ring which he’d hung on a ribbon in a tree where we were camping, but because I was pregnant – I fell asleep and didnt benefit from seeing it twinkle in the sky. Beautifully romantic but then because it didnt go to his plan we had a blazing row and he said I was going to give you this and this is what I had done but you cant even be bothered… urm… no, I had fallen asleep – how could i deliberately scupper the plans you had made when I didnt even have any idea you had made them… even I can see that one doesnt stack up! ah well… the door is open and i am on my way out.
This is the hardest part for me to wrap my head around. For the most part he is really kind and considerate. He is trying to have a relationship with me and I wont let him touch me. I am the one doing all the distancing right now and it is making him try harder. Probably because I have become a challenge. I am so skeptical that I feel like a cold bitch. He is getting very good with the wooing, sending me love emails twice a day, apologizing for everything.
finally went to his doctor and he put him on anxiety/depression meds suggested by his csat. My h took it for 4 days and read up on the side effects and stopped taking them. He said “do you know that they cause weight gain and erectile dysfunction?”
Well knock me over with a feather. he is already thin
and why does he care if he cant get it up right now? He did not have an answer for either question.
But he did tell me that he doesn’t think he is an addict, just a selfish jerk who thought he could get away with it.I deleted the I love you emails today without reading them.
@Jos, we DO call it scrambled eggs on toast! 😀 (for those who put their eggs ON the toast)
@Heidi– with an angelic face like that, how could you EVER be a bitch? And aren’t you the woman with the really “sick” legs? (sick is insanely fantastic, in case your kids don’t use that word)
Selfish jerk? sure. my husband says that about himself too. in the year that i was dating, 100s of married selfish jerks propositioned me. They all feel entitled. They all have the same tired excuses.
1) her sex drive is not as high as mine (actually, its probably higher)
2) she’s not interested in sex anymore (WRONG!)
3) she’s ill (I know– too gross for words)
4) she says that sex with me hurts her (dream on)
5) she’s only into “vanilla” sex (if he only knew!)
6) she’s ALWAYS tired (yes, of trying to figure out where you’re coming from!)
7) she only likes it in one position. (OMG!)
8) she’s on life support and understands my needs (I think he also had a bridge for sale) 😉
9) I’m protecting her. (YES, someone actually said this to me)
10) What wife??? lol… no, Lexie—I’m single.Selfish jerk = sex addict.
doesn’t matter what we call it.
It matters what they do AND what they don’t do AND the timing.
For a man not being able to get it up is a big deal, even if we don’t think it is. But, it might be a red flag too, because if he was really wanting to recover, he would need to treat the depression and anxiety that was at the root of his depression, first and foremost. If that is not treated, then there is little hope for any recovery, because the root is not being treated.
And besides, there’s always viagra! (although, I don’t know how that works with the anti-depressants)
I also don’t want my husband to touch me and I haven’t for a very long time. I realize that he’s been a massive disappointment to me in that he hasn’t been a very good provider and he’s a shlump. I stopped being proud of him a very long time ago. I saw his unwillingness to grab life by the balls, as a real turn off. He wasn’t like that at all, when I met him. He was sexy, strong and confident, and really funny and he was so much fun to be with. We had a great time, and he made me feel like a princess.
but, that was then…
🙁
@ZG. it makes a lot of sense!
Love,
L
Thanks ladies. All the comments were insightful.
My h is very, very attentive and loves to snuggle constantly. He has been sober for quite a while, if he is telling the truth, which I actually believe he is.
Even if he is really nice consistently, he was a liar, deceiver and sexually immoral for 20 years of our marriage. That is the confusion. I don’t know if I can ever comes to grips with it, no matter what improvements he makes or how nice he is now. Ya know what I mean?
Oh, do I EVER know what you mean!! B, that is EXACTLY my struggle now. Even if he recovers til the cows come home (ok, did I just type that?), I still don’t know if I can come to grips with what was done. It’s a really, really hard question, and I for one, don’t have my own answer yet. I’m praying for clarity for both of us.
Much love, ZGI know for a fact that I cannot. That doesn’t mean that extricating myself is going to be easy. Each day, I try to do something towards the goal of separating. Note that I said “try”. Some days I do, and some days, I don’t, but in the last 6 weeks, I can see that there’s been a lot of forward movement towards that goal.
My husband has ALWAYS been nice to me, in ways that make me dependent on him. Or doing the things for me, that I don’t know how to do. (computer stuff) or book keeping. He makes my life easier and if I ever need anything or ask him for it, he jumps right to it.
He’s not a monster. Just a lying, cheating, selfish prick.
I can’t live with a man who SUDDENLY has this LIFE CHANGING EPIPHANY AFTER HE GETS CAUGHT.
NOW, after that’s happened and I’ve had a nervous break down… he suddenly WAKES UP AND GOES…
“I don’t want that other life any more.”
WHAT OTHER FUCKING LIFE???
I thought there was just ONE life, but now its all crystal clear why life seemed to be like going through a fun house of mirrors… not quite making sense, and NOW it does.
I’m done with the fun house, guys.
Even if the mirrors straighten out for a bit… WHAT made them that way, to begin with? It wasn’t US. no.
But it was US, who made them realize that they needed to see the light? Or that it WAS okay UNTIL they got caught (which they never thought they would, arrogant pricks, that they are).
And can they SUSTAIN this “newfound” and vastly more honorable, integrous, faithful, devoted, trustworthy individual we thought they WERE, to begin with, or wouldn’t have fucking married them, in the first place?!?!?
well… I’m not hangin’ around much longer to find that out.
What is it? “Once burned, twice shy?”
Twice, now, is enough for me.
I’m done.
Lexie ~ you always make me feel justified! Thank you!
and I was telling sl last weekend that this video always reminds me of you. Too bad it is censored it is about a sex addict and their are beautiful ballerinas in it ~ I bet you have seen it before.
Till the cows come home???? Really Zgirl??? Lol! Welcome to Indiana!!!!! You’re thinkin like us already!!!
Hmmm…. So yeah…. I can pretty much relate to it all. Nice, asshole, accommodating, asshole, rescuer of the damsel in distress (me, of course), asshole, thoughtful, asshole……. Ugh!!!
As always, since NAP and I are married to the same guy, I understood her points!
Marie, as usual, you can make it so crystal clear. You described the dynamics in my household for the last 17 years perfectly!! Exactly like you said. Week in, week out, year in, year out… Sigh……
Here’s my thing B,
This is the kind of person I am. I either want to like you or don’t like you. No gray area!!! That goes for bosses, coworkers, others in my life, SA included. I can NOT stand it when someone has damn near pushed me to the effing edge, and then BANG, reel me in with a kind gesture, gift, surprise, or even just being plain NICE to me!! Ugh! The inconsistencies drive me insane!! (literally! Can ya tell????)
So yes, IMO, your thoughts and frustrations are very valid and real!
And Heidi,
Your SAH doesn’t deserve you for ONE second and you kNOW it! I don’t care HOW nice he is….. All of a sudden……. Grrrrrr!!!!
Love to all……
Heidi,
Thanks for sharing the video. I knew the song, and it always cracked me up…”let’s have a toast for the douchebags!” Actually, the video makes it seem much more emotional. Love the dancers, too!I meant to add that, Lexie, I love what you said. Lots to think about. And SL, what you said about the inconsistencies–why are we willing to be ok with that??
Hi Bt,
Based on your question for this forum, what are some of your husbands cruel behaviors?
Love, NapHi All,
My h always wanted to hug me, kiss me, celebrated birthdays and holidays, gave me presents…acted like i was the world to him.
The funny thing is these are all the things my first marriage lacked. So i went from one extreme to the other. So the h did all these things, and its horribly confusing to know that this is the same person who lies and betrayed you. And it is terribly confusing and hard to split the two right now…still to this day.But I know now that there are people like this. Whether they have a disorder or not, there are still many people that will treat you nice and rob you behind your back. And feel NO guilt about it. This is not a bad dream, it is a reality. But it is a very important life lesson to learn. Not everyone is as they seem, and if you question their story or reality one bit, really think about the relationship, how you feel and really listen to yourself.
Everyone does not tell the truth, not everyone is an honest person…and there are people out there who will suck you dry until you keel over and die….all while appearing to be nice to you. Its not always obvious when you are with an abuser..otherwise they would not be able to get away with what they do…
Love,
FloraI think he was sincere, however he is an exact replica of how his dad acts. So i am not sure if it is learned or what? I really don’t know the answer. But I am unwilling to take the good with the bad in this. I was tired of towing the whole deal myself. Its not fair. And its not right to put up with so much negative for the little bit of postive above…because the loving ways did not transfer over into any other areas of caring for…like helping out around the house, with kids…and working. No future hopes and dreams, plans…etc. abuse of my soul to get sex sex sex. So the bad far outweighed the good.
Flora
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.