The Crucial Tests to Determine Whether A Relationship Can Be Saved

This article is from an infidelity web site, not an SA site but I thought it was timely to some of the discussions we are having here. I think the title is a bit misleading. Rather than steps to determining whether a relationship can be saved, I think of them as personal boundaries. Cross them and the relationship is doomed to fail. I think many of the sisters here will say that being a SA negates their ability to do these things and they may be right. At any rate I thought it was a good expression of what I want and where I am at at this point in my marriage.

8 Important Steps in Dealing with A Spouse Who Has Had Multiple Affairs.

Your spouse has betrayed you several times, but you are determined to make this relationship work if at all possible. Some would have changed all the locks by now, but you are a loyal, loving person who is trying hard to be understanding and forgiving. Here are the crucial steps that are necessary to see if this relationship is worth saving.

1. Transparency
Your spouse needs to willingly provide transparency in all of his communications with others. This means you must have password access to his computer, cell phone, and any other electronic devices. Often, cheating spouses will obtain a separate cell phone and hide this account. He will have one or more secret email accounts as well. Your spouse will need to be open and honest with you for the indefinite future. It is up to you to decide if and when to end his probationary period. You must wait until you have trust in him and in his loyalty to you.

2. Full disclosure
Your spouse must provide you with full disclosure about his affairs with others – names, dates, places, details. You will need to ask him many questions over time, sometimes the same ones repeatedly, and he must be prepared to answer them. It is normal and natural to want to hear details about his deceptions and his partners. In this way, you are attempting to reconcile your image of the person you thought you knew with the person who could betray your trust. He will need to be patient with your questioning and continue to remind himself that he is the one who caused this problem.

3. Full responsibility
He must be willing to take full responsibility for breaking his marriage vows and behaving with a lack of integrity. Often, cheating spouses throw blame back onto their partners: “If we had more frequent sex . . . If you weren’t always busy with the children/work/your family . . . If you cared more about your appearance . . .” And sadly, faithful partners often feel inadequate and somewhat at fault, thereby enabling the unfaithful partner to escape full responsibility for his actions.
It is essential to remember that he made the decision to sneak around and lie to you. He could have approached you with his dissatisfactions, and together you could have worked toward a solution. You had no way of knowing that your relationship was this severely compromised since he probably tried hard to deny and allay your suspicions. You didn’t have a chance to do the necessary repair work and strengthening of your relationship.

4. Verification
You will have the urge to check up on him and his whereabouts – to confirm that he is telling you the truth. He will need to respond to you calmly and understandingly. You are not being a pest, and he must not treat you as one. You have every right to doubt him and to need verification. This step needs to continue until you are completely satisfied and can begin to rebuild trust.

5. Action, not just words
Your spouse must show you that he wants to spend more time with you and that you are the most important person in his life. Talk is cheap; he must demonstrate to you how much he values you. Every relationship is different. If you have always wanted him to spend more time with you and the kids on weekends, he needs to do just that. Or, if you have felt shut out because he doesn’t communicate much with you, he will need to learn and be willing to talk more frequently and openly.
In addition, if any friends or family members were aware of his philandering, your spouse must acknowledge to them that he made serious mistakes and that he is trying to repair his relationship with you. In this way, he will be showing you the respect you deserve as well as sending the message to others that they also need to respect you and your relationship.

6. Couples counseling
Since all of these steps won’t be easy for your spouse, he will need encouragement and reinforcement. Therefore, you will both benefit from couples counseling to work on such issues as anger, resentment, trust, hurt, and guilt. Couples counseling will help you improve your communication with each other. It will also produce more clarity and understanding. In the beginning feelings will be raw, and it will be helpful to be in a controlled setting when expressing them. Ultimately, the goal of the sessions will not be to blame and accuse; rather it will be a time to come together in a positive, supportive environment and to establish a healthier relationship.

7. Individual therapy
Your spouse must be willing to enter into individual therapy to address the root causes of his infidelity. There are many reasons why a person chooses to be unfaithful to his spouse. The list can include one or more of the following: unresolved issues from his family of origin; unresolved issues in your marriage; a need for increased power and control; a desire for more physical pleasure; boredom; a desire for more appreciation and ego-gratification; insecurities about himself, his sexual functioning, and/or his appearance; fears of aging, dependency, and/or intimacy.
Individual therapy requires more than twelve quick sessions. Your spouse must spend a good period of time working on himself and his relationship with you if he truly wants to make changes. It is best to think in terms of at least one to two years of both couples and individual therapy. These therapies will need to be with two separate practitioners in order to protect privacy and boundaries.

8. Loving cooperation
Your spouse’s attitude is a huge indication of his motivation and sincerity. If he is truly repentant, he will want to do everything possible to convince you that he values you and wants to change. His demeanor will be humble, respectful, and patient. He will understand that you are not taking the above steps to punish him, but rather you are trying to re-establish trust and harmony in your marriage. He will show empathy for what you have endured in the past and for what you are continuing to endure. His attitude and behavior toward you will be a huge indication of whether or not you can resolve the issue of infidelity and move forward into a happy, healthy relationship.

About the author
Margie Ryerson, MFT, is a marriage and family therapist in the San Francisco Bay area with over 22 years of experience. In addition, she is the author of two books: Treat Your Partner Like a Dog: How to Breed a Better Relationship, and Appetite for Life: Inspiring Stories of Recovery from Anorexia, Bulimia, and Compulsive Overeating. Both are available on Amazon.com. She also writes a family and parenting column for a local newspaper.