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I was a stay at home mom, that did some small work at home endeavors for extra money while I took care of my home and family, but my primary work was raising my kids and I loved it. I didn’t love broken arms and windows, or the sneaking out the bedroom window parts, but I was always aware that I was building a family and shaping the people my kids would become.
We had a blended family that had some adjustment years with ex spouse stuff but we became a strong family unit. I expected some regular teenage stuff and some early adulthood floundering but I didn’t expect so many hard lefts for so long, and having five, there is A LOT of bad stuff going on. I know others have it better and worse. After all that investment, I had ideas about how the family would function, as far as maintaining traditions and loving relationship. We were big on playing together and family parties that I wanted that to continue on. I also expected my husband to be my strong right arm and my comforter as we aged.
We talk here mostly about SA stuff and it’s effect on the family with young children and how to protect them and I did that as a young mother but, as an empty nester, I feel quite alone. I am mourning the passing of my role. If everything in the marriage had been stable, I would have moved more confidently into this new part of life. Actually I did. My oldest grandson is 16 with six under him. I was still busy helping my kids and the grands and developing and running a small business making soap and body care products.
But after my marriage took this hit, I was so bewildered. I wanted the love and support of my family. I needed my kids to call and ask “What happened, Mom? Are you OK?” When I told my 23 year old daughter about the porn, she rudely asked if I was giving Dad sex and called him to complain that I was complaining. She said later, that she feels like she’s five and her parents are getting a divorce. I get that hurt, that we are still their Mom and Dad and they love us. I learned that two of the boys also use porn and “understand Dad.” He always looks like the good guy, easy going, and I am keeping weird secrets and crying and angry. I want some righteous indignation, not this, “We love both of you and don’t want to get in the middle.” I feel like I have been scapegoated, to a degree, by my kids. I feel adrift. I am afraid of what a divorce and the reorganization of houses and loyalties will look like. I don’t want my family to be scattered to the wind while I find some community playing Bunko with a bunch of women in the basement of a book store.I’ve wanted to talk about this, to learn about other midlife women’s experiences and feelings. I’ve looked for good article on this topic and there isn’t that much good information out there. I thought that was interesting too. We can talk about husbands and everything else in our lives, except this painful loss. We can’t talk about losing our childen because they are our deepest love, our babies.
debora,
i’m so sorry you feel so alone. and that you aren’t getting the support you would like from your kids. you might find your loving environment comes from an unexpected place. who knows? maybe it will be playing bunko (funny image by the way).
ultimately, i believe that love and support comes from within. it’s such a cliche, but i think it’s true.. hang in there deb….
Debora, I so understand what you’re saying. My nest isn’t totally empty yet – my daughter is in college and my son tried college and came home when it didn’t work out for him. He’s living at home for now but is rarely here. It’s an event if he eats dinner with me. I feel that same sense of isolation and loneliness. In my case, all of my friends have these perfect lives with over achieving children who never ever make mistakes and wonderful husbands who are loving and supportive. At least that is the façade they show to the world and it is just exhausting to keep smiling and telling them “yes, indeed, my family is fucked up but I sure do applaud how wonderful and special each and every family member in YOUR family is.” As far as my kids supporting me, well, that is my fault. I haven’t told them any details about why their Dad and I separated and they haven’t asked. They don’t seem to blame me but who knows, maybe they do. Initially I didn’t tell them because I guess I somehow thought we would magically fix this mess and go back to “normal” life and I didn’t want to damage their perception of their dad. At this point, I would be honest with them if they asked me but will keep quiet for now since they haven’t. My daughter “jokes” about how neither she or her brother are cut out for relationships and probably won’t get married or have kids. That tears my heart into little pieces.
Maybe your kids are just too caught up in living their lives to think about what is happening in yours? I’m guessing you were always the steady center in their world and they just aren’t ready to let you let go of that role and need them for a change. Give them some time, they will come around. Maybe if you told them a little about your pain and heartache, instead of focusing on what their dad has done, they will be able to understand a little better. Kind of the “Daddy hurt Mommy and she feels very sad and scared” approach for adult children.
I’m thinking about you Debora…
I think I understand some of this.
My sons still love and support their father. I’m glad about that and I hate it too. A part of me wants them to know what this all cost me, but then I don’t either because I want them to be free to live their lives without a big mommy cloud worry. I think you can’t expect your kids to understand or say the right thing. If they do, you’re lucky. But many just want it to be fixable and therefore blameable, too. They don’t want to be informed or educated.
I’m a big believer in the passage of time. What they can’t hear now, they may be able to hear later. What you can’t discuss now, they may want to discuss later. We are still “the mothers” to them even when we need so much ourselves. So we just don’t get a reprieve sometimes.I think we just have to trust the love passed between us. It will work out. But I’ve been afraid too. Hang in there. I think it will work out.
love’
Diane.Diane, I hope you will take this for the compliment it is intended to be, but sometimes when I read your posts I wish I could crawl into your lap and have you rock me like my Grandma used to do.
Love,
DaisyThanks girls for the hugs and responding and sharing thoughts about your own experience.
I have shared with my older children, his stepchildren, that’s easier. I do have their love and support. The younger ones are, well, younger and we are their parents. I’ve never shared any details with that son but when I told him we are in trouble he told me, “I just want you to know, Mom, that I’m closer to Dad.” Knife in the heart.
It’s true that they are just kids starting their own lives and not really in tune with us as people as much as fixtures and the port in the storm. I remember feeling the very same way about my parents and that’s OK, I get it. I wanted them to feel that way, safe in us.
It’s the fear of a change in our relationship, of losing years because of a misunderstanding or no communication, or that they heard me but they don’t agree with my decision because I can’t fully explain without hazing their dad, and me looking like the problem (kinda like Teri’s situation) that I wrestle with. I have no doubt that a little further into their own lives, they will understand sex and marriage, parenting and sacrifice and I will have some validation. I don’t believe I will lose their love but I don’t want to lose anything.
I think that it might just be irrational fear. That I am flogging myself excessively because I happen to be in purgatory.
Yes, father time.
i try to remember being young and I know that I did not want to hear about any problems that my parents were having or not. I was pretty focused on myself.
I bet your kids would support you Deborah whether you choose to give them details or just simply state that the marriage is not working out….
I just read your first post. I can relate. I have an empty nest and my family did shatter and get set adrift. My pain is so deep. I work everyday to try and understand what I can restore.
First, I need to get some financial independence so I can visit my far flung grown sons.
Will read more when I have strength and capacity. Still reeling…….. Cried so hard over Christmas that I thought my eyes would swell, pop and fall out! GEEEEZZZZ Felt a bit better after I had a heart to heart with 2 of my boys. They were kind, supportive and pissed at SAXXXXXXX!
Desiree
Desiree
Debora I can’t believe you have grown children and grandchildren. From your photo I guessed you were in your 30’s. I’m sorry that you have been so focussed on your family as your career and now you feel so let down by them. Have you considered doing some voluntary work? This could help fill your day, allow you to meet new people and feel good about yourself and give you a new focus. Better than whatever game you Americans play in a basement! It will not be a substitute for your family or family life but you are obviously very organised, caring and intelligent and I’m sure a charity or organisation or hospital would benefit from your skills. My children are still at home (28 and 29). After a stint in NYC by son brought his 34 year American girlfriend home to live with us as well. No empty nest for me.
Debora,
Just wanted to add that I am so sorry how hard this is for you. I wish you had complete support and understanding from all your kids. Anything that makes all this harder is just not fair. The effects on our families is tragic beyond belief. How do we move on? I’m not exactly sure but it turns out that it seems to take years to figure out and to heal, if we ever completely heal.
I am moving on – divorced, live with BF, planning future together. Still, I struggle everyday with a broken heart, feeling shattered, unable to trust, body in fear. Feel dissociative after working on house I am trying to sell. Hoping when that chapter closes, I can really move forward and let the SAXXXXXX to live alone in the purgatory of his making. He will no longer be welcome at ANY family event, ever!
Hugs,
DesireeOh Desiree,
Big Hug to you. The holidays are hell when there are problems. I’m glad you got to talk with your sons and get some relief. And I’m so glad that you have a kind and loving boyfriend. Once you get through this house business and get that negative SA energy out of your face, you will feel so much better.
Daisy, I think we all hunker down, hiding out with our problems and are overly sensitive seeing our “happy” friends. We are just hurting. And from our own experience, we all know now that we never can be sure that the private truth matches the public face.
I understand that you also have hope for reconciliation and I think you’re smart to keep a lid on until you know where your marriage is headed.
Daisy, If you were to divorce, would you retain a woman ar a man atty and why? Sorry if this has already been asked. Brain fog, ya know.
Thanks Catherine,
I need to update my photo. I’m 6 years older than that photo and have gone white! I’m 56. I have a part time job in sales at Chico’s clothing store.
I do have friends but need to get happier and get into life and not isolate so much. 🙂
sometimes when I do normal stuff, I feel normal – that feels strange – wondering if I will get more used to it if it happens more?
Debora – you are married still right? And, living with SA?
Sorry Debora I got the impression that you didn’t work. I’m sure you are a beautiful mother. I do know that our children get busy and we think they can’t be bothered with us but they just get caught up in their own lives. They are also still very young. I’m aghast at the thoughts and beliefs I had at that age. I feel ashamed to say when I was 23 I said I wouldn’t want a homosexual teaching my son. Time and life experiences will change their views. They will see things as they are…that you were a wonderful wife and mother.
Debora and you don’t look anywhere near 49 in that photo. I have isolated myself from friends and family as well. When I am with other happy couples I get depressed thinking how my marriage is the polar opposite. I’m trying to get back to normal but I feel it’s like I’m scaling a steep cliff hanging on to a rock ledge with my fingertips.
Debora, So sorry for what you are going through. You have been treated so horribly by your H. And all your pain has been invisible even to those with whom you are closest.
My STBX can fool the rest of the world, but he has not been able to fool my kids. That would be my greatest fear, that he would fool them and take them from me.
I heard from a good friend today whose husband went all mid-life crisis. They got divorced and he convinced their only child that mom was the bad guy. She had no contact for 3 years. And this year, he finally texted her back when she texted him “Happy Birthday”. Gosh, it makes me cry every time I even think about what she has been through. But he is getting older now and able to think for himself (he’s a senior in college).
I don’t know what the answer is, but I know that life can be so incredibly scary and painful and unfair. And when it involves kids- well, I don’t think anything is more painful.
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