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HI Ladies.
Just wanted your FB on a situation that occurred. The ex sees a therapist who also counsels children. The ex wanted to use his therapist as her counsler. At first, I objected, but as of late have been resonsidering that as an option, because of some positives that I wont’ go into now. Anway here is the series of events:
1. Friday – Left message for Head Psych confidential voice mail. That I was the wife of a client, so and so, and that I had a situation I was hoping to discuss. THis was NOT my ex’s shrink. but the director of the facility.
2. I called the director, because i wanted an OBJECTIVE opinion if using my ex’s shrink to counsel my child wb considered appropriate.. Because I DID NOT want to contact ex’s shrink directly, as I did not wand message I was calling to get back to EX. I did NOT say i did ot want message to get back to ex on voicemail, but that was the intent. As the directory’s voicemail was said to be confidential.
3. ALSO – I was calling director bc, the “sobriety program” for the Ex is affecting MY LIFE! that because ex, cannot have access to money (cuz he will spend it on addiction) ex is holding me responsible to get him dog food, gas, etc. my TIME in my NEW life is not being respected. I am NOT on board in doing his errands. the end result is ex says if i give him money for dog food- and he spends it on addiction, it is MY fault. because i gave him money. This is not my fault. the therapist needs to know there are LIMITATIONS on the money control, that I am WILLING to do. my boundaries were not respected by ex, as his entitlement of my time is very high, and still wants me to be responsible. i say no way. his shrink needs to know, that my consent to any / all money controls needs my agreement. you don’t just walk out of therapy and say here’s what I need to do. it is highly unfair.
3. The result– Yeah you know it. went directly to ex’s shrink. who then told ex. who then called me very upset / irate.NOw– what did I do? i called back director’s vm. I told him that as a survivor of domestic violence, why would any one place me in that kind of position?
Then, I called back, and told them to please disregard my message. That her father and I would discuss child psychologists on our own. sorry for trouble.
WTF? do they have any idea how pissed this guy was at me? i mean i am not their patient or client, so maybe there are laws concerning this. but i did not contact shrink directly. i contacted the director. why did the shirink get the message and go to ex saying all I said on voicemail?
It can and could still, jeapordize my safety as ex is highly volatile.
thoughts?
I am outraged.
That director has to answer to someone himself. Maybe the state, who knows. I’d find out and raise hell. What a douchebag he/she was to reveal that call.
The money thing is easy. Hand your ex h what he needs for food, pet care, etc. He’s a grown fucking man. If he can’t control himself and uses it for his addiction then I guess he and his pets starve. It’s not your problem. How dare he even go there and say you’d be to blame!!! If you don’t cut that money chord then you let yourself be responsible for ALL of his spending habits and he’s got to learn at some point. I say now is a great time!!
pam,
yes you think professionals would be more sensitive to this! i guess one lesson is to never leave messages, anything that can be passed on without your knowledge.
it seems that there is a legal violation here, if the voicemail is said to be confidential… or at least an ethical one. i’m sorry, and i completely understand your outrage!
i am finding more and more that there is a lot of support in the process for the addict. but very little for the partner.
another violation to add to the mountain of unfairness…
lisa
Oh Pam!! That sucks!!! I can imagine how mad you are!!! Ugh!! (And completely justified!!)
My initial thoughts on her going to his therapist is a big NO. Of course, I don’t know all the details….
But I hope their counseling sessions are better than their phone system. Just sayin…..
Yeah, I agree with SL. I would get your child her own therapist. The less you have to do with that man the better.
As for the money? No way would I handle his money.
However, before you cut him off from picking up dog food, I would first make sure the dog finds a new and loving home. It’s not the dog’s fault that your ex is an idiot. Please make sure the dog is well cared for or put him/her up for adoption.
Much love, Claire
thanks all. I am pretty sure my last voice mail of “passing along the message jeaporidizes me, as I am a survivor of domestic violence”
set off 3 alarm fires in their little organization. ex was strangely quiet today. me thinks, someone got a talking to. and that my daughter can not be treated, as there is a conflict of interest/objectivity.
which is what I thought in the first place. The ex, looks like the scary dude that he is. And the therapist, I am sure, had to reconsider his position.
F8ck the “boys club.” how dare they.
As for the money, agreed, but it is complicated until we further sort things out financially. we both own the business. all checking in my name. to avoid his spending problem. this actually helps me and daughter somewhat. downside is, dog food, gas? c’mon. my limitations need to be set.
I will get there I assure you, but one thing at a time. —it is indeed coming.
Yes totally buy the dog food yourself and a visa check/cahs card for expenses….i would think he would have a hard time spending that on hookers, however he could do a cahs advance, but I would think you can track hi spending on that….and if he does cash withdrawles he is cut off. anything he buys should be able to be purchased with the check/card; get one that is refillable and take the charges it costs to have this card out of his monthly alotment. You can get the preloaded type…you add the $$.
As for the counselar. There is no way I would send daughter to the same one, just as i would not recommend a spouse to the same one. They need their own, somebody who is an advocate for them. Could be a conflict actually and better for her safety if she has her own. You will feel much better about this too as her mother.
Love,
Florai think i will send his hookers dog food, and give the dogs’ his money.
oops — did ai make a boo boo?
Hookers can use charge and debit cards lots of ways. Sorry. And it usually looks legit. Cannot be traced back to them. They even have a service “datecheck” that rates johns on factors including whether their cards are ever declined. You can be blackballed. LOL
Buy the damn dogfood and give him an Exxon card with a prepaid limit..same for food. Hookers do not take Exxon or Kroger or Publix cards…
Sorry Pam..It just ticks me off. After all you have been thru…
He shouldn`t be allowed to own a dog if he cannot be trusted to feed it!! ( animal lover here)
Hi Pam,
I agree. Your daughter should NOT have the same therapist as your h or any associate of theirs. I would go to someplace completely new and neutral.I also agree buy the dog food so he won’t starve and this man can handle his own allowance. If he blows it, he blows it. He has no one to blame but himself. It’s called responsibility, something he should have learned along time ago and some learn it the hard way.
I do think based on your marriage history they did place you on a dangerous position. I think I would avoid these people at all costs and definitely would not send my daughter there.
Hope you doing well overall Pam!!!
Love, Nap
Pam,
Yeah, I wouldn’t have anything to do with that clinic. Totally unprofessional. And you daughter should definitely NOT see the same person as your ex- that is a BIG conflict of interest. Most therapists will not see 2 people in the same family for individual therapy.
Who came up with that “sobriety program”?
Hey bev, that was going to be my next suggestion. Walmart giftcards, what ever the grocer is.
Did they not spell this out more in the seperation agreement? Why are you having to take care of his bills?
Is there a way to make him responsbile for somthing else that would hurt him, so he will pay?The only thing that has been filed with the courts is a custody agreement/child supp/alimony. — the most important part. nothing financial has been officially divided at this point.
I am doing a settlement agreement, prior to filing divorce. It is a like a pre-divorce. i did this because i was suddenly out of my house with no custody agreement in place. I chose this in lieu of a permanent restraining order/ and custody order hearing. to avoid a war. remember his arrest was dropped. it weakened my case. so I needed something immediate. the division of assets/debts remains to be had. oh what fun!
but yes, on the gift cards and grocery cards. it will work for the time being. I expect a final settlement/divorce to be filed and complete by winter/early spring. as long as my kid is covered, and he is paying the mortgage, i’ll get to the rest of the mess when I’m ready. what’s he going to do? suit me for not buying dog food? please.
and yes, on the psychologist being just for her. i don’t know why i was even considering his. good thing i posted…and y’all set me straight! 🙂 love you guys.
they do both have to sign. he has been giving a hard time re: counseling and wanted his therapist. so i was considering. sign or not sign, i am just going to do it. take my chances. play stupid.
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