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So, I’m relatively new to the “addiction” side of his online antics. He only came up with sex addiction as an excuse when I kicked him out 6 weeks ago (although he’s been viewing porn and having online sex chats for much longer than that).
Anyhoo, I discovered that he had refriended one of his sex chat buddies through Facebook (I had unfriended her after my discovery as I could access his FB account through the family laptop). So, I called him on it. I got the usual pack of lies about her sending a friend request which he didn’t accept. But this time I could tell him I had the records to prove his complicity (thank you e-blaster!!). In order to prove what I could see, I also called him on plans he was making to travel to Minneapolis (we live in the UK).
So, the next load of BS was about slips & stumbles and calls to his sponsor. Who is apparently responsible for suggesting the planned trip as a goal to inspire him on his road to recovery. But planning the trip is just substituting one fantasy for another.
He has a part-time job that pays £9,000 (about $15,000 dollars) per year gross. We have approx £40,000 ($65,000) of unsecured debt that has to be paid off under a debt payment plan that has 3 more years to run. Since I kicked him out, he’s been living with his mum. He contributes nothing to the family finances or for his son, which will change when my solicitor gets going with the separation agreement. So, where’s he gonna get a couple of thousand for flights, hotels and incidentals for this trip??
He has a wife and child (5-y-o) – should we not be inspiration enough for his recovery? Or are we simply too real?
You should be inspiration enough. I don’t buy that line, “it’s inspiration”. Sounds like a cheating guy’s attempt to think of something you’d want to hear. Make it sound like the goal is the family. If your entire family is not going, why is he going to Minneapolis alone? Sounds fishy to me.
lynne,
i really wonder sometimes at the 12 step model. these guys get solace from other broken souls who have shattered the hearts of the ones they love.
and excuse me, but i don’t value the advice of sex addicts. i guess maybe my sah’s sponsor makes him feel better, but i’ve heard plenty of advice second hand from the sponsor that just makes me shake my head.
and they compare themselves to each other! my sah thinks he’s doing so great. only because he is comparing himself to a bunch of fucked up SAs
put him in a room full of healthy people and he wouldn’t be so goddamned cocky…
I’ve talked with people in AA (good friends) and told them what I’ve heard from SAA, and they just can’t believe it. I don’t know where the problem occurs, but somehow these guys twist what could be a helpful, healthy program into something that just seems to add to the problem? Kind of like they do with counseling, I suppose.
My STBX used to come home and tell me how bad everyone else was, too, lisacay. I think he was inspired or at least learned how to hide things better from his group. I have texts back and forth about deleting things from computers and joking about giving into temptation from STBX to people in his group.
i edited my post above, to specify sex addicts. it occurred to me that people with other addictions could be different… i don’t really have any experience with addiction other than with a sex addict…. i wonder how much more nutty SAs are comparatively…
I assumed that it was all kind of the same until one of my best friends told me she was an alcoholic and in AA, and we had some long talks about it all.
AA has a very good success rate. many long term recovered alcoholics living sober lives. what’s the deal with SAA? why doesn’t it work? it is puzzling
i don’t pretend to have any real knowledge, but my guess would be that the personality disorders run deeper..
What’s in Minneapolis?
I’ve “heard” (haven’t seen the research) that SA is more difficult to beat because it involves 3 neuro-chemicals in the brain (vs. one with other addictions). Not sure if this is true or not….just heard it from my former SA partner therapist.
Deb
Deb, it’s some kind of classic car rally. This is how I know he’s just feeding his fantasy world. In his online fantasy he’s a star quarterback living in 50’s America.
He makes $15,000.00 per year and has $65,000.00 worth of debt.
How does that compute into a trip?
Just say ‘No.’ Period. ~ JoAnn
Hey lynnemac my h tells me SA is the hardest addiction to beat because the addiction is to your own dopamine production. Am also in the uk … Where are you?
My husband is a recovering SA, alcoholic etc. He didn’t like the SA meetings at all. He has been attending AA meetings very regularly and has found them very helpful – and I notice a big difference. He now has eleven months recovery from all his addictions. I attribute it to his will to recover, individual psychotherapy, eight and a half weeks of in-patient programs, a clinical polygraph, and his ongoing AA meetings. We separated for about eight months and are now continuing on our “trial reconciliation”, into month four. I do think that AA meetings can be helpful.
Apparently in the SA meeting rules, you can’t talk about specifics; you can talk generally but not specifically. In AA and NA you can talk about specifically what triggered you and what the consequences were. And in SA, if you are talking and a person in the meeting feels triggered by what you are saying, you have to stop speaking. (To my mind, that makes the speaker co-dependent!) My husband also told me that “slips” are looked at in a different way. In NA and AA, if you use, you have made an error and are back to day zero of your recovery. Apparently in SA it appeared to be ok to have a “slip” if you were still working your program. My husband said there was not enough accountability in the SA program. Hope that is helpful.
Lauren, what you said there is huge to my mind:
“In NA and AA, if you use, you have made an error and are back to day zero of your recovery. Apparently in SA it appeared to be ok to have a “slip” if you were still working your program.”
It’s the toleration of slips that is a huge part of the problem with SAA. If you’re trying to give something up, failing is failing. Not a “slip”.
If they “slip”, are they supposed to confess to their partners on their own or do we have to find out ourselves?
I’m going to take a wild guess and say they protect each other and recommend we remain blissfully ignorant.
“slip”…gotta love that word. Such a little word to represent the devastation that it brings. I HATE these guys. I don’t care if I am uncharitable, lacking compassion or closed minded. Today ( and most days) I just HATE them. thank God I love their partners or I would be REALLY worried about myself? 🙁 xx
lisacay, I think you’re right about the personality disorders running deeper. I get being addicted to a substance. I can even wrap my head around being addicted to porn. What I don’t get is the way they call some of the things these guys do as an ‘addiction.’ They want me to believe my SA was ‘addicted’ to traveling to meet his little strippers and sending them money and gifts? Or ‘addicted’ to his Craigslist gf who looked like breakfast warmed over and served up as lunch? I don’t buy those things as being part of an addiction. They’re just part of being farked up in general and lacking a conscience. They can go to SAA meetings til the cows come home, but if they’re not getting real therapy as well, then they’re putting a bandaid on a hemorrhage, as far as I’m concerned. xoxo
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