THE GOOD LITTLE GIRL!!!

It is a beautiful to read the posts from the sisters here on the site. The wisdom they share from the painful experiences they have endured, continues to amaze me.

It is so interesting to look back and try to find all of the incidents that happened throughout my marriage that was hidden behind a smokescreen of denial both on my part and his. I did have a little voice from within that told me that something was not right. I just could not clearly understand what the voice was trying to tell me.

The biggest piece of advice I can tell you is to listen to what your voice is saying to you. Even if it is just a small whisper, take the time to understand for yourself what your feelings are. Believe in yourself, you deserve to be heard and understood.

I think that I was always trying to be “a good little girl” even when I was a grown woman. Good little girls try to get along and bring peace into the room. Good little girls are not so demanding. If it makes others feel uncomfortable, Good little girls don’t voice their concerns. Instead of listening to and validating my own feelings, I covered them with another voice that suggested that I was being too critical and insecure.

I am trying to stop beating myself up for what I did not know back then. By the time I realized that something was really wrong (and by this I do not mean the sex addiction because I did not know about that part until three years ago), I was into my role as mother. My children mean everything to me and I found contentment in raising them to the best of my ability. I was doing everything I could to nurture our family along and keep us all united and happy.

We were 25 years into the marriage by the time I discovered his other life. At that point is when I allowed myself to completely let my emotions come to the surface. When my feelings were met with all of the typical addictive mind set responses of blame-shifting, stonewalling, etc…etc…etc… I knew at a deeper level that I was up against a beast of a different color. At that point I remember thinking that I would wait until I caught him one more time before I decided that the marriage was over.

My dear Mom asked me a question that to this day rings true for me and it gave me a “light bulb” moment of clarity. She asked me point blank and called me out on the issue of watching for another incident.
She said “Cindy, If you catch him in a SA activity one more time, is your marriage over?”
“yes”, I replied.
She said, “Cindy, than your marriage is already over.”

Her words ring so true to me. Painful but true. It is not a marriage if really all you are doing is waiting for the next shoe to drop. A marriage is built on trust, dedication, devotion and future togetherness. If you are not feeling these things because he is unable to guide you back to these basic principles after such a massive betrayal, your not being honest with yourself.

I wanted a life long marriage. I wanted to feel safe. I wanted him to be able to love me the way that I really needed him too. ….. “THE WAY I REALLY NEEDED HIM TOO” —- those are the operative words. It was time to validate myself and trust my needs. My feelings are real and deserve attention from ME!!! Giving myself permission for my feelings might not come across as “the good little girl” What I learned is that being “good” meant being fair and honest to MYSELF as well as to others.