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excuse me for ranting ladies, but I must rant today. Some BS has gone down and it’s got me turning my wheels.
SA is abuse. Addicts abuse all in their life to have their junk. Whatever that junk is– drugs, porn, sex w/ hookers, etc. I realize now that my stxh, has abused the crap out of our finances. I know many sisters here have experienced the same, but what boat I am left in at the moment.
STXH’s business. It’s feast or famine. Several months of very very busy, followed by a slow period. We know the cycle. We have relied more on my income in slow times, for obvious reasons.
This guy has misspent and missused to the hilt. After a very good holiday season, and very good January, PLUS a round of small business financing of 10k, he is flat broke. In fact, all business accounts negative. bounced checks all over the place. we just paid this months mortgage.
we are living on rice and beans until I get paid again. I am angry? hell yeah. His irresponsible decisions have come full fold. Plus, he has not paid so many people he is not earning a good name for himself. Just another cost of the addiction being at the wheel and affecting any reasonable judgments.
He constantly thinks he can write checks against “future business.’ That something will come in. WEll guess what? The well had run dry.
but this brings me to greater concern. I mean really, in our agreement HE is gonna pay the mortgage until he can buy me out? I know this is not the best choice. but if I file to sell the home, which I would, he will become so hostile, that I don’t even want to go there. While I am not a fan of making decisions by fear, and I believe you do the right thing, because it is the right thing, I really need to be afraid. Given his threats, sleazy legal connections, and violent history.
He is going to F this up for everyone.
Oh and now –” let’s work together to get through this financially. so we can both get to where we need to be.”
oh NOW we are a team? what about 2 mos ago when you bought a ticket to brazil? and when money was flowing in you cashed checks at a check cashing place,, did not put into household? just did whatever you wanted. what about THAT. Or what about you spent did household improvements, did whatever you wanted, with no thought for the future. complete mis management and irresponsibility. And he has burned all of his bridges.
He is such an Ahole. But where does this leave me on the divorce front? how can I go fwd with agreement as planned? he is going to blow it. and I know it. but I am afraid to be aggressive.
thoughts?
I mean I see a couple ways this can go.
1. i borrow money from boss. pay attorney to complete divorce filing (is on hold cuz we are broke) and move out.
pros_ – I get out. I can be financially independent
cons — he gets aggressive/violent. attacks me until I can get out. goes to child custody svcs says I am abusive. goes to police and make up lies. Threatens my employment. Or, can reverse situation for me to pay palimony. his business doesn’t show full earnings on paper. I get into expensive litigation I can’t afford to fight2. Stay until June/July as planned. Hope normal business cycle resumes. still borrow money from boss. (unknown to him). Plus get payout money from him. enforce child support and almony.
pros– less hostile. home is not liquidated. I get payout down road. I have safety provision in case of foreclosure or default that I can liquidate and occupy property
cons– his business does not recover. I am stuck living w/ahole for 6 months. and when I move out, he continues to jack his finances. doesn’t pay mortgage on time. can’t refinance in 3 years. And is nightmare to get child supp and alimony from.perhaps this is conversation for the attorney. I dunno.
also I wanted to say this. Why the hell am I still footing the bill for his mistakes and selfishness? why? I am trying to ease away from him carefully. but he is becoming more dependent instead. at least right now. I can’t tell if it is temporary slow season/ or his business has dried up enough so that it is a long term scenario.
Dear Pam,
Obviously with this SA stuff there is no end to the pain/stuggle. I am going to throw out my opinion because ypureallyhelped me last night.I think the key word in your posts” afraid ” and he dean well knows it. Told you that you were a good egg andypu can bet he knows that too. He is using your fear.
Now, realistically, you must consider money. You have young daughter ( if remember correctly) and you must have money.
Basically you have two options. Get the divorce and let the chips fall. Trust in yourself and your God to make a path. Second, fake the ” oh yes, let’s work together.. Blah blah” until you get a chance to build up bank accounts and clean them outyourself. Neither option goodbut you have to make the choice about how much you can take. You seem like a really sweet person and probably unable to beat assshole this own game. I can be viscious when mad and pushed ( once shock and crazy wears off).
Don’t lose hope and don’t give up!! And whatever you do, never let him see you sweat 🙂
Wishing you all the luck in the world!
BevBev thank you. Love your pic btw! very pretty. 🙂
I agree on the fear factor. He does indeed know — I just have to decide what is best for MY future. And daughter’s.
I lean toward faking it. It seems the safer bet. And he has no choice but to be sober. there is no money for anything else. that is a positive. sobriety by financial circumstance. I guess.
my job is my husband. my job is my provider. i can rely on him for very little. and need to get away safely.
i feel like i am in a cave, on the exit route, and add a very very narrow and tricky passage. I need to squeeze through it–get to the other side.
if business cycles have any reliability, there is good chance money flow will improve within 60 days or less. but it goes to show you, how you can be profitable one minute, gone the next– without proper management of money. and continued discipline. he lacks both. the next few months could show a continued decline in business. it can happen. time will tell. we have been in tough spots before and managed through them. but it took both of us. me always being the team player. funny, when money good– there is no team. there is just him. and unilateral selfish decisions.
i am the hard time girl. i don’t want to wait anymore to start my life!! oh it makes me so upset. just so upset. i grow so impatient….
I really hate that you are in this situation. I’m curious if you have any idea where you will move to when you do get divorced.
If it were me, I would borrow the money (from what seems to be a really understanding and caring boss, good for you!) and get the divorce final. Done and overwith. You need out of this mess, now. Whatever happens after that you will deal with as you can.
Has any of the past abuse been reported to the police? I would try to make arrangements to have a police presence on the day you move out and if possible, not let him know where you are living. When it comes to sharing custody you can bring the child over, he does not need to know where you live for protection purposes. In fact ask the attorney if that is something that can be put int the final settlement.
I don’t know what else to tell you. I mean, he might pull all the stunts you mentioned after the divorce is final, but you are innocent and if all those things happen, all you can do is state your case, tell the truth, and let the chips fall where they may. If you haven’t done anything wrong, then I don’t think you have anything to worry about.
But get that divorce done and over with and get the hell out of there.
Much love, Claire
Then don’t. You don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow. And don’t kid yourself. I deal with addicts every day. They’ll find a way to finance it. He could title pawn your car/s, sell off stuff you won’t miss for a while, borrow, borrow, borrow. He won’t think twice about putting you and the little one in danger (Oh, nothing would ever happen) with low-lifes he’ll deal with. Take the money from your boss. Borrow from your father. Get the hell out of Dodge, get on with your life.
Thing is sisters, I negotiated a pretty damn good deal for myself and little one– I am pretty happy about it. Our arrangement is a good one. If I go sooner, I blow the deal outof the water. I don’t know if I really want to do that. I think I have to play ball. like it or not. if another couple months is going to get me where I need to be safely, or even if it just betters my chances, but in the end doesn’t help at all, I still think I need to opt for where the chances look best.
then, maybe I got it all wrong. i dunno. i am going with wht reduces my anxiety. and makes me worry less. but this can change–
then again. maybe this agreement is not even worth the paper it is written on. let the war games begin.
One piece of advice … This comes from my brother not me…. If you are going to play war games with a man line your H you must play smart NOT emotional. My brother told me that women usually “lose” the war because we are caring, loving, forgiving, emotional creatures. He said we gave no idea the horrible depths a guy will go to. He said your ( not you personally but you in general) only hope of winning is playing smarter. Use your brain not your heart. Think outside your comfort zone. Manipulate him! IF you decide to stay and work the money angle….it may or not be worth it but commit to one or the other and follow through!! You absolutely deserve a good settlement for you and your sweet daughter but at what price? Tough call…
Bev,
very helpful. :). Yes the war games. If I go that route, I will need a pitbull of an attorney. they’d have to be ruthless for me. i won’t win. too emotional. not good at it, at all. i will surely lose against him. Or, even if I win, the cost would be so high.
I think I need to stay, bide my time, be crafty and manipulative to get the best deal that I can. well, at least the end is in sight. i suppose a few more months is not that bad.
we’ll see — I may end up in “war games” and a killer attorney, anyhow. but right now, I think it is my best shot. thanks for your advice.
Dear Pam,
I don’t trust your H. have I mentioned that? I don’t know how you really expect him to honor anything..he makes me nervous. Please be careful. Karen xx
i don’t trust em neither kmf. he likely won’t honor a thing. he’s that guy. but I am just too damn scared to play hardball. and make a strong move. emotionally, financially, i just want out already. out of the damn house. rip the f’cking band aid off already!!!
but, it’s a money thing. and a fear of his retaliation thing.
scary thing is, I don’t think my real trouble is going to start until I am out of the house. i think it’s going to be hell.
Pam, I know you’re scared, but never lose sight of the fact that you’re doing the right thing. Really, there is no other choice for you and your daughter. As Churchill said, “If you’re going through hell, keep going.” You’re more than halfway through, Sister. Love, Liza
Following this thread as I have some similar concerns when I contemplate leaving. Wishing you luck Pam.
Liza, fabulous quote. Appropos.Hi Pam,
Here’s my take and it’s just my perspective and I don’t know your life.You need a really good attny that’s going to not put up with any of your h sh*t. Find out who that is am borrow the money from your boss.
Plan an exit secretly, one day he goes out for whatever he does and your gone with darling daughter and he’s immediately served divorce papers. He has no idea where you are and if you can be with close family or friends that would be best. If he shows up at your work, call the police your being stalked and threatened and your boss will say “yes she is”.
49% of zero is zero. His business is worth nothing. Go for the house and with a good attny and the law its 50% yours. I hope he hasn’t borrowed against the equity?
I think once you have the lawyer and plan in place this thing needs to go down fast so he has no time to think. IF he threatens you your lawyer will het you a restraining order. He’s a bully and he needs the sh*t scared out of him. I think this would do it.
Love, Nap
So if waiting few more months is what you need to finish up your exit planning then be it, as long as you are staying safe and focused on your goal, you are not losing through this time, on the contrary you are wining as now with the new knowledge of who your h is, you are gaining new insights on how to deal with him, ( I think I am finally understanding my h more than ever, as such I am not hurting anymore when he does not meet my expectations for the 1000 times, I know now exactly how he would responds and react, even though I have to admit lately he is changing)
for the longest you were in a big shock, you did know what hit you at first, now and only now when you made your decision to divorce, that storm inside you is settling, your emotions are beginning to settle but not yet settled, so practice how to keep your emotions under control, just like bev said, you now have to use your brain, not your emotions to deal with your h, and that takes a lot of practice, as you have been giving him from your heart for a long time so changing gears is not exactly easy, it takes a lot of practice, so use those months to practice, to grow and to trust your self, the beautiful wise, intelligent woman you are, and dont be afraid as they said in the green lantern movie, if the yellow ugly bad power senses your fears it will swallow you, so be trusting of your amazing power and strenght, i think you are your daughter will win, no question in my mind.
Love and peace ( you and your daughter are going to be safe, I trust that ultimate power out there that is looking after you both)Dear All,
thank you for all your loving support.
NAP– i think you are right on. He cannot be trusted with our standing agreement. I am back to the legal drawing board–on house– and it what is to happen.this a.m. – took my shoes and hid them. because I would not “listen to him”. correct. i will not listen to how I am at fault here. and blame language. futhermore, he attempted to go in my bedroom by threatening to take more of my stuff–my purse my keys — to stop me from getting to work.
i forced the door open and screamed at the top of my lungs to let me in. i got in. my purse was hidden. held my daughter (she slept w me). he then theatened to call my job. i told him go ahead. he left the room. i grabbed my purse and keys and ran out the door, jumped our fence to get to my car. hair still wet from shower.
last evening, when “i would not listen and corked him”, he stood over me in a threating manner “until I would listen.” sat on top of me to not allow me to move. I struggled to get free.
i need to document this stuff here. so much for good behavior until i move out.
my boss is out of town until next week. He is back to crazy. he promised not to take my things and threaten.
he can never ever be trusted in any way. I offered this guy the house — as collateral –to behave. it is not working.
i am going to check into shelters, alternative housing. whatever I have to do.
Yes, Pam, you must get out of the house with your daughter to a safe place. Get to a lawyer. Report abuse to the police.
Please be careful.Pam,
Take family emergency leave if you can, you are living in a crisis situation. Take you and your daughter back to Boston to your loving and supportive family and say ” I need your help”, tell them everything that you are living and let these people help you.Love, Nap
Wow, Pam, he is a full blown abuser, when it reachs to physical safey there is no compromise, get out of there as soon as possible, you should have called the police, did you?
please let us know when you get into a safe place,
i will pray for you and your daughter safety.Damn it. I was afraid something like this was going to happen. Oh, how I hope you are safe. Is there a way you can get a motel room for a week or so until you can find a furnished apartment?
Please let us know if you need any help. We’re anxiously waiting for your next post.
We love you and our hearts surround you.
Much love, Claire
OMG Pam – What a nightmare. True colors coming through-unfortunately, you are the brunt of it.
I agree with everyone. Get out now before he seriously hurts you. His instability is scaring me. Whenever a man has such an explosive personality, you never know when he will completely go over the edge. Don’t chance it! Don’t worry about tomorrow, just take care of today.
Prayers and love coming your way. Be safe. Let us know if we can help you.
Sharron
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