The other D word…

During sex I would simply zone out. Think about what errands needed to be run, etc. The physical movements I know by rote. So I don’t have to even think about it to go through the motions. I definitely wouldn’t recommend that. I finally did decide that it was ridiculous. If I had to detach to have sex… why have it?

I’m pretty sure my detaching is putting a wall up.

I try to compartmentalize it all. Finances. Parenting. Errands. Home repair. Socializing. Each one I do WITH my H I try to keep my mind contained in THAT box. If we’re going over the budget I try to concentrate on viewing this as two financial business partners going over the finances. If there is a problem with the kids, I view him as the kids dad, not my H. If we are socializing, he’s a guy I have fun with.

Sometimes I think those things are the only things that keep me sane. Because when I start letting it all flow together I feel like I’m losing my mind.

And distract myself if I feel I am caring too much. One example… I have a thing about healthy living. My father died of a massive heart attack at 44. He started getting healthier two years before he died… but it was too late. So now that my H is not indulging in his SA, he is indulging in food. Wracking on the weight in spite of his family history and his DR telling him he is high risk for heart failure. It’s hard to say nothing. And this is going to sound really cold of me but when I start to get upset by it, I remind myself it is his life to destroy. Not mine. If he kills himself with his bad habits there is a 7 digit life insurance policy with my name on it.

So for me… detaching is about trying to make HIS choices have little impact on MY emotions. There is this huge gap between my H and I and I hate it. It breaks my heart. But when I’m not having a bad week like I am now… I can fully appreciate its ability to protect me. Even if it does make me sad. The more you detach, the easier it gets.

I have never had an interest in his recovery efforts. I can’t explain why. I never have, He does all sorts of things. He tells me about them. I listen. So I KNOW what they are. But I feel as if I could give a damn. I’d love to be proud of him but I think he’s just overindulging in recovery. It’ll wear off.

This week detachment skills have failed me. I’m hoping for a quick return and recovery!

Detaching is something I have to do on a regular basis for my own sanity. I have not had sex with my husband for a very long time and I don’t plan on it any time soon. I have no desire to do so and the thought of it just makes me want to run in the other direction. He has not asked for it either. To this day we are still in separate rooms and even though some of that was due to the three shoulder surgeries I’ve had, it would have been that way anyway because I don’t want to be in the same bed with him yet. I haven’t a clue when that will change.

The waffling happens all the time. We’ll go along doing great with our relationship and then bang he’ll do something really stupid and all those old feelings and excuses for divorcing him come flooding back into my head again. Mostly because whatever happened had to do with a total disregard for my feelings. The selfishness on his part is something that he’s having a hard time letting go of. He keeps doing things that I don’t know about (and nothing serious or having to do with acting out, just stupid shit) but I should have known about. Then he defends himself by saying “I’m sure I told you” or “I’m sorry, I thought I told you” or “I don’t know why I didn’t tell you about that”. Even if these situations were innocent enough, the fact that he doesn’t think to tell me brings back that insecurity of him lying by ommission and if he’s doing that with little shit, is he doing that with other big shit that I don’t know about. This probably doesn’t make any sense, but that’s why I waffle. And I hate that about myself, even though I guess it’s normal.

He’s been out of town the last two nights, and man . . . I’ve been so damned relaxed! I haven’t done shit (except for laundry, which I don’t mind doing) since he’s been gone. I’ve spent tons of time playing with the dogs, caring for the kittens, grooming the donkeys, cleaning pens, talking to the horse, and just being me. I’m loving it. But, he comes home tomorrow so my short lived vacation will be over.

It just makes me wonder, if he were gone permanently, would I really miss him? Hmmmm.

Claire

Claire,
I think you should spend tons of time playing with the dogs, caring for the kittens, grooming the donkeys, cleaning pens, talking to the horse, and just being you when he returns.

I can’t garner up enough energy to convince myself I am detached. I am just plain exhausted to the point that I’m not pretending not to care what he does sexually. I just don’t. My not caring is not the same as the “healthy” detachment the counselors are encouraging. Not something I consciously did for my own protection, but a result of my being unable to fight all the fires at once.

Now what? There’s nothing left to protect and detachment is unnecessary because I just don’t care about my H at all? I don’t hate him. I don’t love him. I don’t like him. I imagine I could watch him with another woman and feel zilch. Not like me at all. But what’s to be done?

Am I better off? It seems so. Personally, I don’t see being dettached in a relationship as a good thing. I think it’s like being mini versions of them. Except that they can do it naturally. It’s like we are telling ourselves if we were as callous as they are, this situation would be managable. OF COURSE IT WOULD. THAT’s why they can do it, after all. And we couldn’t. Unless, mabye, we become good enough at dettaching. But I’m not with a counselor so maybe their version of dettachment is actually a good thing.

I have one or two more things to do with my artwork, and then it’s done. It has become more universal, and less about me. That has drained the emotion in many ways. It’s so much bigger than me, and as I look at it I feel the tide must turn. The public show opens next week so I don’t have much input yet, but the women artists there have asked to see it and i see the recognition in their faces and the pain and I am so sad for us all when I see it. For the whole of us, the relationships that never really were. The fairytales we tell eachother and the hope lost. I ache for innocence. Jaded is so huge and cold.

Sex and the history of my 3 months since this began. Week 1: None when I first found initial evidence of SA, for til H was in counseling and recovery.
Week 2: Then a craze of it for about a week, as some have described “recovering your territory”.
Week 3-4: Then there was another dribble of information in a badly botched “disclosure” that made me afraid of exposure to disease and furious about the extent to which H had minimized his behaviors when he told me. I put H out, sent him to a hotel for a week. No sex that week til both our STD tests came back negative. After that only with condoms.

Week 4 – 7: Intensive time with counselor, and H turned over the papers he read so sparingly from in first disclosure. I felt that was a move definitely in line with recovery and sex returned to normal, but the condoms were hurting ME. We tried 4 kinds. Seems I am very sensitive. We stopped using them as H was being more open and keeping all appointments and calls with recovery partners.

Week 8 – New York trip. Just the thrill of being in a new place, swanky hotel, and the adrenaline of being scared to death and this crazy situation and the only person to hold me and share this with was H. Sex then. It was very good and I do believe that I was dettached. It was surreal, like floating above the bed while I watched myself be with him.

Weeks 8-9: Another round of disclosures and I couldn’t for a couple weeks.

Weeks 10-now: And now, back to this, where I am just so tired of it all. Just want it to go away. All my attempts to escape, or prepare a better future are being headed off at the pass. I am feeling completely and totally held as hostage in this relationship and so I’m mentally and physically checked out. I honestly think I did have some kind of break last week, really struggling with short term memory and daily activities; like which do I do first, brush my teeth or put on a shirt? Where does my daughter go to school, again? Burned a pot on the stove yesterday. Sex, it’s so minor a thing now, if he wants it I don’t even blink. I’m on automatic pilot and my heart is not on the map at all.

No sex after the woman at work thing. But then again yesterday after he supplied the receipts that showed that he had used the cash he took out of the bank the day before for legitimate expenses. No hookers, no hotel rooms, not even lunch out together with anyone. Showed that the funds from retirement were for bills which I HAD told him to pay or else.

I feel like a total bitch to be demanding all this penny to penny comparisons and minute by minute accountability of his day. SO, my desire is absent. I feel like he’s become my child and that’s so NOT sexy.

Hi hadj608 – Just a quick comment to the SA fantasizing during sex. My SA keeps his eyes open and we look at eachother during sex, but I have had the feeling he is just sometimest not there.(That old gut feeling again). My therapist told me yesterday that a man can fantasize as well with their eyes open or closed.
I agree with the detaching philosophy. My therapist told me to quit divulging what we talk about in session, and I now have the don’t care attitude. This has made absolutely crazy! He, all of a sudden, is not interested in his addiction and is doing all of the things he should to adhere to his boundaries (not mine) and let it go. He is even initiating sex.
What will the result be?? Interesting to see. He knows March 28th is D-day for me. Out of the marriage if he doesn’t change 1. The addictive behavior – learn to manage it. 2. Total disclosure as things happen-no lying or minimizing. 3.Let go of his nasty temper and P/A behavior. A lot to overcome in two months.
His BPD/nasty temper still does rear it’s ugly head, but he is MOST cooperative with everything else.
It has occurred to me that maybe he wants to cancel divorce plans because he will have to put out $30,000. pay Insurance and car for life. He is still making two house payments, as the other has not sold. I hope that isn’t his motivation, but with my suspicious mind and remembering past experiences nothing would surprise me.

As soon as the timing is right and then, you take The deepest breath you have ever taken and then you JUST DO IT.

You know anyone outside the world of SA reading this thread would probably either laugh out loud or break down in tears…the way we try to make the unworkable work is quite a feat to behold eh girls? 😉 Love to all karen xx

Lol, Kim! We must be COSA’s nightmare. No cross-talking, beotches!