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I came home today from a very emotional therapy session. The therapist did well to help me calm down and explain why I’m feeling what I’m feeling. It was a good session.
Unfortunately, I had to see my STBXH, since I refused to bring him things to his trailer while he was on house arrest, he called this morning and we were both going to be in another local town, me for therapy, him to see his probation officer and I agreed to meet him in the parking lot at Target to give him his mail and other stupid items he requested from the house. It was like awful to see him. I didn’t want to look at him. I said very little.
So between the therapy appt. and seeing him, the drive home was emotional tearing up all the way. When I arrive home there are two messages on my home phone. One from STBXH’s EX WIFE, saying she just heard about him and wanted to know if I was okay. She said she didn’t want to pry just wanted to make sure I was okay. The other message was from his sister. She just said to call her back. Fuck that. He can tell his own family.
But now, I was curious why all of a sudden they knew something, so I called his EX WIFE back. Whoa . . . the things she told me . . .
First of all, the rumor around town is that he plead guilty and he’s in jail. I was more than happy to tell her EXACTLY where he is. I would LOVE for him to have to face people he thought he had snowed over. But then we started talking about being married to him. She was married to him for over 20 years and didn’t know his fettish with porn and other men. WHAT????? She knew all that and didn’t warn me? She said she had always wanted to tell me, but figured whose going to believe an ex-wife. Especially when STBXH told me the reason for their divorce was because she cheated on him and moved in with the guy she cheated on him with. Which she’s married to that guy, but she says they never even dated until they were separated. My whole life just came falling down again.
His kids have completely disowned him and don’t ever want to see him again and I told her I was glad to hear that. He doesn’t deserve to be a part of their lives or that of his grandkids.
She (his ex-wife) said I have a friend in her if I ever want to get together and just talk, have lunch or something and if I need anything to let her know.
I told her to call his sister and get her off my back. His sister needs to hear this whole crazy ass story from her own brother’s mouth. Right now his sister thinks none of this is true and it’s just gossip. I’m not talking to someone in that kind of denial. I just can’t do it.
Holy crap. This has been a total Xanax day. Just when I thought I couldn’t cry anymore.
It sounds like an awfully emotional day for you, Claire. But it also sounds so empowering that you have validation from the ex about you STBXH. I can see her point about not warning a new woman, because who believes the ex. It seems nice that she’s reaching out to you and giving you support. I agree to let his sister get the details from him. Not your problem!
I think you just took the next step in detachment. Ouch. It hurt. Like ripping off the bandaid so the wound can heal.
Oh God Claire…..it’s the ex wife syndrome. We believe the husband and it’s NOT what he claimed, all the while believing ex wife was a skank or she was crazy.
Take a deep breath, ………and another. She’s right, if she had told you, you would not have believed it. And so it goes. We believe our guy.
I know I did and mine, so far, was involved in only porn, that I could find anyway.
Keep her as an ally. She sounds sincere.
His sister keeps calling my house phone telling me she heard something about him and she wants to find out if it’s true. I feel bad for not answering it and letting it go to voicemail, but I really don’t want to talk to her. Should I feel bad about that? What is she tries to come over here to talk to me. Although, she lives in another town, an hour and a half away, but she’d do it.
I have a long uphill driveway with a gate at the bottom. I’ll keep it locked. But she could still walk up to the house if she really wanted to.
Or, maybe I should just tell her. Fuck.
Is there a news story you could just send her the link to?
Or you could just answer and tell her that she really ought to talk to her brother? Or how giving her his probation officer’s phone number? 🙂 Honestly, I would probably just answer and tell her he’s now a registered sex offender bc of child pornography- that’s public information now anyway. And tell her I’m sorry that I’m the one to tell you. Gotta go, bye.
I often wonder if I should warn dr e’s new “friend” especially since she has 3 teenaged daughters and he was following local teens on his twitter. Or if I should call their father instead. Or what… And the fact that they will just think I am the crazy ex is what keeps me from doing it.
Same ol’ story, over and over again. We all say we wish someone had warned us, but would we have listened?
Claire, what a tough day. I hope today is better. It will be nice when things start to settle down for you, but I have a feeling that that is going to take awhile.
Text her. Tell her the records are public and whatever she wants to know she can call her brother. Tell her you aren’t feeling well so you aren’t taking phone calls or visitors right now.
That’s a good idea, Bev, but I don’t want her to have my cell phone number. Bad enough she has the house phone number.
She should have his cell phone number, I wait and see if I feel differently about it later today and maybe I’ll just grow some balls and call her like Teri suggested with what is public record information.
The public record shows he’s in custody that’s why everyone thinks he’s in jail. But it will show that even when they are out on the adult monitoring system.
Now that I think about it . . . why don’t I text STBXH and tell him to call her and get her off my back. Duh.
So sorry for your day Claire. I wouldn’t return her call and letting him call her is a great idea. It’s his shit let him deal with it. I don’t even think I’d want to talk to his ex ever again. The sooner ANYTHING any remotely associated to him is OUT of your life the better, IMO. Protect yourself and don’t let anyone or anything invade your healing
space.
Love, napGod, Claire.. what a day you had. How weird to hear from both ex-wife and his sister on the same day. It’s like all of a sudden he was headline news. Personally I wouldn’t even text him to call her. Not your problem. You’ve got enough on your plate. Hang in there, sister. We’ve got your back. xoxo
Wow. What a day Claire? I suspect the ex wife is being honest. She probably wanted to speak up but was afraid to for the obvious reasons. She didn’t have to call. I think it was a kind gesture. At the same time, Nap has a point. Your objective has to be to move on from him and everything connected to him. Just the same, it might be nice to have a flesh and blood woman who understands and you need all the support you can get? You are not a stupid woman, Claire. I trust you to know how to proceed with all these other people AND your H. I actually see this as a difficult positive. Everything extra thing you find out about him helps you to get your head around the fact that a) he is truly a liar and b) you really don’t know him at all. You are going to find a way to get away from that psycho Claire….I KNOW you are. Hugs Karen
I just got off the phone with my step daughter. We spoke for almost 2 hours. We haven’t spoke or seen each other in I don’t know how long. We used to be close. When I was dating her Dad we used to joke that if we got married I would be her wicked evil step mother (WESM). She would send me emails addressed to WESM and I would sign them that way, it was really cute and just fun. Now she’s married and has a beautiful baby girl. She doesn’t EVER want to see her DAD again, she asked me never to refer to him as her DAD, just by his first name. Evidently, shortly after he was arrested in May 2012 and they confiscated our computers, the FBI contacted her to question her. They found a file on his computer written about her. That’s all they would say, except that is was authored by her Dad. She was a newlywed at the time and her husband (a navy man) was deployed in Afghanistan and she was living far from family. She described the panic she felt, no words can describe. The questioned her profusely. She told me about things she saw her father do when she lived with him like dressing in women’s clothing, she also walked in on him when he was doing his thing in front of a web cam that was placed up front and close to his crotch. Those are just a few.
We talked for so long about so many things and we ended with “I love you” each. She wants to see me, she lives out of town. We agreed that we would get together when the time was right. At this time, I’m just not sure how much I can handle. I can’t wait to see her baby and hold her. We have so much to catch up on.
It was scary, but good to talk to her. She said that she knew in her heart that we were still close, she just couldn’t reach out to me for fear he might pick up the phone or find out and she is afraid of what might happen if he found out she was reaching out to me.
I don’t know what to say anymore. Nothing else can surprise me, can it?
I felt, when I spoke to her and her mother the night before, that maybe, just maybe, I’m finally not all alone in this. Maybe they really do care.
It’s so much to take in. Hopefully you can enjoy a breather now for a while.
I’m so glad you’ve had these two conversations. Truly, it must be so amazingly affirming to hear that others have also experienced him at his worst, from whom he couldn’t hide his dark side. Sad too, I know, to hear of new info and that others knew these things about him before you probably even went on your first date. I wish the first step of “recovery” was a mandatory tattoo across their faces – RUN AWAY on the forehead and I WILL HURT YOU across their cheeks and nose (and maybe for the sake of art, a picture of a big asshole on their chin). That way, they couldn’t keep their previous victims hidden away and apart from each other quite so easily.
Wow, Claire.. the shit really appears to be hitting the fan for STBXH. Did stepdaughter call you out of the blue as well? So much heavy duty emotional stuff going on for you in the last couple of days. I hope you’re able to go and be with your babies for a while, and just breathe and regroup from all this. Big hugs to you and the babies. xoxo
I am so glad there is reaching out going on back and forth between you, the ex wife and her daughter. They sound like solid people with clear boundaries. Wrong is wrong to them and that’s good!
If sister in law calls or shows up just tell her that it’s hubby’s story to tell and you hope that she gets the truth out of him quicker than you did.
He was wearing women’s clothes? Holy shit!
Please tell me you never found any of your underwear stretched out. 🙂So glad others are validating you a bit. So sorry you had this happen to you. If my ex remarries I will tell her. I will keep it short and succinct but I will share if she wants to hear. This validates that.
Wow what a rough day.
It’s amazing all the damage one man can do. It is somewhat affirming that the daughter and ex wife have supported you. You will get through this, Claire.
Go with your gut. I kind of feel like you should steer clear of his sister. But I am not you, and only you can make that decision.
Wow. Thats all I can say…
Unbelievable, Claire
That stuff about the file on his daughter really shook me. he’s just so depraved.
Don’t one damn thing you don’t feel like doing. YOu are not the communications director for damage control on the sex offender.
Big hug.Ditto what Diane said.
I felt sick for his daughter and for you Claire. You owe him nothing. Do only what you feel comfortable with. I am glad that both mother and daughter reached out to you. It’s nice to know that others know.
Oh Claire. Oh my God. That stuff with his daughter is so damned awful and in such stark contrast to your loving, playful relationship with her. I’m so glad that she and her mother reached out to you. I can see why they’d be leery of it while he was still living there but now that obstacle is gone they probably feel free to be supportive. Jeez, what a horrible, twisted, warped THING he is. I am so glad you are getting free of him. And hell yes, let him handle his own communications. If he can handle a web cam and clearly he can, he can handle his own PR issues with his family and friends.
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