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excuse me if I am posting a lot these days. As my decision becomes more a reality, I just feel the need to get things out and share points of clarity.
I realized something big today. I am not leaving because of infidelity. or communication issues. or money. or even battering and abuse. I am leaving for the UTTER SELFISHNESS of it all. That every decision in our life revolved around his selfish pleasures, his needs, his lies, whatever. The selfishness of these decisions took precious years and time and joy and children from me. over and over the addict’s selfishness played.
i keep remembering the words of a substance abuse counsler (recovering addict himself). “Eventually the addict finds himself alone. In a pool of selfishness and bad behavior. with no one left standing in his corner but his addiction. it as at that point, that some reach out for real help.”
The loss of me is the only consequence i can bring. the only way to justify the losses that i have suffered because of selfish not just addictive, compulsive pd stuff– SELFISH to the 100th power, behavior. i have lived my life ignored at best. only to be told ignore HIS needs. as i starve and he fattens himself in every way, he only needs more. and i am somehow responsible to give it. in his world. he will never ever get it. ever.
We know this is true, Pam. You have every right to reclaim your life. Maybe you’ll have a child one day with someone who knows how to love a child. You deserve that.
Pam – you are very strong and have so much clarity. He will be alone with his addiction and you will have a much fuller life without it in your life. His plea last night struck me as too little, too late.
Hi Pam,
I am in complete agreement. Truely when we decide to leave the addiction is not the reason. Its complete and utter lack of respect, to many lies, disrespect, lack of compassion, lack of empathy, to much water under the bridge, to much already been done. I think that while they do have an addiction present, it also shows some character flaws that maybe are not so good.In the end for me, it was not his addiction, it was his complete lack of respect for me, and lack of ownership on his part. It was not the addiction. But it was how he chose to deal with it, and chose to deal with it within our marriage. Its is true, the addiction is there own. But with addiction the addict will choose there drug over you everytime, and that filters into the marriage. Hands down. No way one can survive and be enriching.
So Pam, i agree with you. This may be your reasoning now to do it, but i truely feel as well that it is the right thing to do. For you and your daughter. I know a bit back you wrote about the situation you and your daughter have been living on. And it is crazy and bad. But the good is that you see it now for what it is. And the good is that you make a change with your new knowledge. And the good is the steps you take to move farther and farther away. The good is that you see this now and are going to take that step. There are many women who can;t, wont;t or are too afraid. You are forutnate enough to be able to have the choice to move forward into a better life.
Is it possible for you to chang eyour schedule.hours at work? Its it possible to make a geographical change…you seemed so happy after your trip to Boston.
Love,
FloraHi Pam,
I am kind of going through the same thing you are right now. I have also decided to leave and it wasn’t so much about the addiction, it was about the selfishness, lack of respect, everything revolved around him and his moods, no appreciation, the lies, blame……….while I was doing everything. Then he would complain that our married life was boring, but did he ever do anything that made it exciting like plan any activities, or bring in any friends, no it was always up to me. And I suppose to his fantasy sex reality is boring. When I looked back at my 11 years of marriage it was not a happy time, and not all of that was due to his addiction. He exhausted me.
Be strong……..I know it’s hard…………but there is happiness out there for both of us. (:Hi Jodee,
Yes same here. Made the money, cleaned the house, organized everything, took care of the kids, if we bought a care, it ook care of it, if we needed home repairs again me. I managed our finances…he was along for the ride. Its a sad day when you feel you have been used and almost feel as though fraud has been commited. But fo rme, i am happy i got out.
Love,
Flora
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