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Bev, my two cents… Given her history, it’s quite possible that her husband had affairs and she stayed in the marriage. I don’t know what your husband told her but maybe because it appears like you’re trying to work things out she feels like she can relate to you. Just speculating. The more probable answer is that your husband did not tell the truth. Anyway if she’s someone that you care about and want in your life I would have lunch and be as honest as you feel like being. Like Courtney, it’s not your burden to carry their secret. At the same time there are some things we tell some people and not others. I would just figure out what category she’s in for you. You seem quite sensible, and I’m sure you’ll do what’s right for you
I truly believe he wants me to lie to his mother. He knows me and he knows I care for her and love her. He knows that if I just call and smooth things over that he gets a pass. He wants us together but he wants me to say ” we had some trouble and we are working on it…”
My honest input is this Bev. My husband too did not tell his folks until the last kick out. One of us is telling them. It better be you. I felt like it wasn’t fair that they were opening their home to him while being in the dark trying to support him/us.
There’s a lot of love, wisdom and support that can come from loving parents even toward a grown adult. He told them and I made her tell me what he said before I would continue the conversation. He had been very honest with them I learned.
A parents age makes no difference in how they worry and support their child(ren).
I think your mil is worrying more now being in the dark than she would normally be if she knew all the shit going on.
My suggestion?
Your husband makes a bullet point list to discuss with her.
A- I’m a sex addict
B- I’ve cheated on Bev our entire marriage
C- These were not just casual encounters. I paid prostitutes for sex as well
D- Bev hired a pi to confirm her suspicions and learned I spent many thousands of dollars of my sex addiction.
E- I’m in therapy to understand and overcome my addiction
F- Bev is in therapy to deal with the hurt and pain I’ve inflicted on her. She also is dealing with the realization that our marriage and life together were not what she believed to be all along
G- Bev is unable to guarantee we will stay married and I cannot blame her for not knowing. My actions have been deplorable.
H- The kids are unaware thus far of my sex addiction thanks to Bev safeguarding their emotional well being.
I- I am an assholeHe is to check off each one as he tells her.
When you speak to her and find he missed one point he is to move out.You have a good mil. Don’t let him hide behind his shame.
He did this horrific thing. He has to be accountable, man up and take steps to restore your relationship with his mom
His addiction, his mom, so it must be his voice his mom hears this from.
For-now, I love the bullet point list. It’s right on. Couldn’t get any clearer than that!
Straight and to the point.Good list FN, other than letter “I” should be letter “A” on the list. Actually, maybe sprinkle that same statement throughout the list just to keep it fresh in her mind. 🙂
It makes it easy that my MIL hates me – the family hasn’t spoken to me since DDay – other than for the email H posted to them and me about 6 weeks ago, which I shared here. I have no idea what he told them – and I know that he only told his mother because my son was going to – but what he said I am not sure about. That is the one thing that Minwalla taught me – it is his mess Bev – you have been cleaning up after his family for a long time enough – you tell her your truth not his – and let him go to fucking hell – I like the point list – but your truth will come from your hurt and your heart and if she really loves you she will be brave enough to hear it and continue to hold you dear – that’s my 2 cents xo
“He wants us together but he wants me to say ” we had some trouble and we are working on it…””
“WE” didn’t have trouble. “HE” had trouble because he couldn’t keep his dick in his pants.
That makes sense if he wasn’t fucking hookers or if one of you just wasn’t happy or just couldn’t get along.
Were you together when he fucked hookers and blew money on chicks calling him a piece of shit? Nope
Were you together when he was denying you affections because he had whores on the brain? Nope
The days of you getting his back ended with the bill you opened from the hotel.
Make him tell her. He OWES that to you.
I’d give you at least a quarter for that advice Meg. 🙂 I will never tell my MIL or expect my H to. She is an evil, hateful woman and I do not want her knowing anything about my life – good or bad. She would have no pity for me OR for him. She only loves herself. Her only concern would be whether the SA would somehow make her look bad.
Exactly Daisy. I only recommend telling if the sa can gain support by the parent knowing.
Or if by telling, it restores a relationship like in Bev’s case.
My own mother cannot understand how his family could have stopped speaking to me so callously. She keeps saying if the situation were reverse, for the sake of her grandson, she would have had a long talk to me about doing the right thing.
Bev, who gives a shit what he wants? You have worked hard to develop a relationship with his mother, independent of him. He does not get to dictate the terms of your relationships, no matter who they are with.
I had a crisis pregnancy when I was 19. My plan was to place my daughter for adoption and never tell a soul.
My Mom found out (another humdinger of an asshole story) and told me “you can lie to the people that love you, but I’m not going to, which may get pretty awkward”. God bless her for that.
He does not deserve to have this much power. Keep your own yard clean and let the chips fall where they may.
If they fall in his yard, let him clean them up.
For Now, your bullet points are spot on!
Bev, you have loved and cared for this woman (his whole f’n family) for 20+ years. You know that her card means that he didn’t tell her everything or else she wouldn’t be confused. I feel some scorched earth comin’ on. H didn’t fully reveal his betrayal of you to his mom. His mom sounds kind of salty, I’m betting that she can take the news from her favorite child (her biological children not usurping Bev).
You’re a southern woman that likes to host family get togethers. It’s in your blood. If his family knows and can have some time to process, maybe there can still be some family get-togethers. If you decided to divorce at some point, it would be nice to still have a warm relationship with your childrens’ grandmother so that she would feel welcome to come to family gatherings that perhaps h is no longer invited to.
My 2 cents at 1:10am when I can’t f’n get to sleep.
Eliza, that’s how my family feels, too. They cannot get their head around dr. evil’s family cutting off me and my kids.
Daisy, your MIL reminds me of my inlaws. I got pregnant a couple months before our wedding (we’d been engaged 7 months). He was 24 and I was 23 years old- older than they had been when they had their kids (but still too young, I admit, although lots of people in med school were having kids). We had actually been thinking about trying to get pregnant soon after the wedding, so we were happy about it (although scared and a bit in shock). The first thing they said was, “What are we going to tell people?”
This is a tough one Bev. You must be mad with him for not being completely honest when that was part of his programme.
I’m just not so sure that telling her the ins and outs of what happened is necessary. It might be the best thing for your husband because it makes him more accountable but your MIL is paying a high price for that. How old is she? At her age does she need to know? Personally I think it is enough for her to know that he cheated on you many times over and you are naturally having a great deal of difficulty coming to terms with it.
I really dislike my MIL but I still don’t want to upset an old woman. She has had a hard life and I don’t want to add to that by telling her of the devastating things her son has done and where it stems from .
Secondly I think it might increase the chances of your children learning about what has happened.Bev, I really can empathize with you. I played a similar role in my exsah’s family and was always very close to my MIL who I know loves me. But she is also a person who suffers alot of guilt and regret about her own life. I think she would blame herself and I dont want to cause her any more pain. I didnt tell her and Im sure whatever he said was minimized and simplified to the point of being just normal marriage problems. I simply dont have the heart to tell her otherwise. We are still in touch, and there is still love there, but things have definitely changed. I went to visit them last month and it was awkward and sad….
I can’t do awkward and sad because my children wonder where are all the people ( family) that usually show up at our house for every freakin’ holiday and birthday and whatever else.
I have to either hurt that woman, make him hurt her, or lie.
I am so pissed. I am off to see crazy doc. Maybe he has some advice? I confronted H with the card. It was maddening. He minimized everything to her. Then went into a song and dance about how sorry he is I had to tell my family ( he started it by telling my brother a bunch of shit. I never told my family until it was impossible not to because he opened the can of worms). He then said ..” I know you want me to hurt”. I kid you not. …
I blasted into him like an insane person. If I wanted to see you hurt stupid ass then I would have screamed this shit all over hell and half of Georgia. I could get you fired, have everybody we ever knew thinking you are are a perv, have all of it in open court and take my kids ( who would hate you) and leave.
I truly think I hate him. Maybe I don’t, but I do right now.
Oh, yeah, Bev, it’s your fault you want him to man up and tell his family. You just want to hurt him. It’s just all about him, the real victim here.
Glad you called him on it.
Hope the crazy doc helps. I’ll be interested in what he says- he is not your average psychiatrist.
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